Which Avenger lost their virginity first?

Do people really care about the world being saved countless times? Not really; they’re too busy glued to their smartphones to even recognize what the sky looks like. If you were to even see the Avengers in real life, you’d assume it was cosplay for Comic Con or a group of swingers headed to a superhero-themed orgy.

Who cares that they have superhuman strength, unparalleled agility, and spout cheesy one-liners every five minutes? Today’s anxious society of mostly millennials wants to know which of the Avengers was first to lose their virginity.

So let’s start with the contenders and look into the possibly of who came first. Pun intended.

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Was it…

Black Widow

Not because she’s a woman, but because of the way she can crush a man’s skull with her thighs. She did it about 50 times during her introduction in Iron Man 2. She was also trained from birth in how to seduce a man or torture him, or both if he’s into that, so she’s certainly got the skills to make a man say “yes.” Followed by “noooooooooo!” Followed by “yes”. It’s a very confusing way to die.

Did she lose her virginity first?

No, her assigned conquests probably didn’t stay breathing long enough to complete the act.

The Hulk

Before becoming the Hulk, Bruce Banner was a renowned scientist, and scientists are sexy. Name me one scientist who isn’t sexy. See, it’s practically impossible. When Banner hulks out, he’s even more irresistible, with an undeniably massive… heart, which chicks dig.

Did he lose his virginity first?

No, he’s dedicated his life to studying gamma rays, not getting laid.

Hawkeye

If there’s anything Hawkeye knows, it’s precision penetration. He’s a consummate professional and perfectionist, which means he understands the importance of practice, practice, practice. Can there be any doubt this extends to his love-making prowess as well? The dude has been firing his arrows for a very long time.

Did he lose his virginity first?

Definite contender.

Black Panther

Animalistic instincts, unmatched physical stamina, and a killer bod. Not to mention money and power. It’s almost a shame he’s forced to put duty over booty. As king of Wakanda, he’s always under constant surveillance. If he got busted busting a nut and his people found out, it would bring great shame to his family name.

Did he lose his virginity first?

No way, he would get into too much trouble.

Falcon

Falcon can literally pick up ladies. Plus, he’s an expert in combat, tactics, and espionage. These are also skills you can use in flirtation.

Did he lose his virginity first?

Possibly; he’s got more charm than Captain America.

War Machine

War Machine can also fly, and he’s got a huge gun, if you know what I mean, to make up for his absolute lack of personality. Of course, being stuck in Tony Stark’s shadow can’t help.

Did he lose his virginity first?

No, he’s too rigid and boring.

Spider-Man

Virgin alert! No way this guy’s been laid yet. On the other hand, we’ve all seen his room, and there’s lots of evidence he’s finally hit puberty with all that white stuff dripping from the ceiling (oh wait, that’s webbing).

Did he lose his virginity first?

The web-slinger is still a virgin. He can barely hang out with a girl long enough to get her number before running away and shooting his web.

Thor

Thor is every woman’s fantasy: strong, flowing blond hair, and armed with a massive hammer. He’s the kind of guy you see on erotica book covers. The fact he can shoot thunder only adds to his alluring physique. But he totally failed to make a move on Natalie Portman other than a lame kiss on the back of the hand, so we can assume Asgard is a no-sex-before-marriage kind of place.

Did he lose his virginity first?

Not likely. At the very least, there’s some archaic Nordic ritual he’d have to perform first that would totally kill the mood.

Vision

Part robot, part… we don’t know. He was only born yesterday, but seems to have affection for Scarlet Witch. He’s definitely still a virgin since he doesn’t have a penis, but that’ll change as soon as Scarlet Witch grows him one.

Did he lose his virginity first?

Definitely not; he’s only recently been turned on.

Captain America

Good ol’ Steve. He hates swearing and anyone using God’s name in vain. He’s the epitome of a true American… 70 years ago. He hasn’t changed much since then, except for trying Asian food and Velcro shoes. He’s had his fair share of love interests, but being a soldier means you can’t mix business with pleasure.

Did he lose his virginity first?

No, he’s too stuck in his morals.

Scarlet Witch

She can literally do anything in the Marvel universe, but the real question is, can she get laid too? Well, she was confined by HYDRA for many years, which probably made her sexually frustrated enough to fall in love with the first guy she met: a robot.

Did she lose her virginity first?

No, she’s in love with a robot. I mean, that tells you everything you need to know.

Iron Man

The self-proclaimed playboy billionaire philanthropist has always been a bad boy. Not only can he build anything, but he’s confident, witty, and attractive. No doubt he had his fair share of inputs and outputs, downloads and uploads, and viruses well before the internet came along.

Did he lose his virginity first?

YES! Of course it’s Tony. He’s had women for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

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  • Now this is the kind of random, weird, and funny content I never expect to read but I’m always pleased to see when it shows up.

  • Schwanwald

    Personally, I’m convinced movieverse Steve Rogers is stil la virgin, and asexual (and gay). He just has that not-interested-in-sex-all-that-much-if-at-all vibe. Not to mention the whole “no sex before marriage” rule he grew up with, which as a lawful good paladin type of character he would totally follow.

    Before he became a super soldier, he was shy around women and so small and frail that he didn’t look like lover material to 1940s girls. Not likely that he ever had sex then. After he became Captain America, he was far too busy with being a government propaganda puppet and then fighting comic book Nazis with alien laser rifles. Didn’t look like he used his fame to get laid back then. Then he became a popsicle for 70 years, and after he was thawed out and had his own apartment, he showed more interest in punching sandbags that in his sexy female neighbor when she came on to him (she turned out to be a spy, anyway). And since then he has been busy with punching Hydra operatives, punching Tony Stark, and growing a beard.

    Heck, if any of the MCU characters finds the time for romance during ‘Infinity War’, it should be Bruce Banner with his new Aesir grlfriend/bodyguard.
    But I would pay good money to see Loki being seduced and laid by Tony Stark.

  • The_Shadow_Knows

    “We can assume Asgard is a no-sex-before-marriage kind of place.”

    Even if that’s true, Thor is married to another Asgardian and much older than any of the other characters. So I would say it’s unquestionable that he lost his virginity first.

    • Schwanwald

      Thor isn’t married in the MCU.
      The movie-version of Thor and Loki, Odin, Heimdall, and Hel etc. have nothing whatsoever to do with their counterparts in the Norse mythology. In the Norse Edda (the Islandic Snorri Sturluson version), Thor’s wife was Sif, she was a harvest goddess and canonically blonde; oh, and had she sex with Loki while Thor was away beating up giants, which apparently happened quite often. (Loki “plowed her furrow”, then cut off her hair until only stubbles were left… which he later replaced with new hair spun from living gold, crafted by the dwarves.) Thor and Sif had a daughter and son, which movie-Thor certainly does not.

      But yeah, I highly doubt Thor has been chaste for thousands of years.

      • Schwanwald

        Let’s be glad they didn’t go with the Edda version of these characters. In the Edda, Loki the shapeshifting trickster god wasn’t Thor’s brother, he was neither an Aesir nor a Vanir, but he was married to an Aesir women and had two sons with her (who were both later murdered by the Aesir when they bound Loki to a rock with the entrails of his son). And a mistress, who was a giantess, who bore him three children: the Fenris wolf, the Midgard serpent, and Hel the goddess of the (rather boring) Underworld where those end up who don’t die heroically in battle.

        So in mythology, Loki is the father of Fenris the godslayer wolf who will eat the Sun during Ragnarök, father of the Midgard serpent, father of the goddess Hel… and the mother of Odin’s eight-legged horse Sleipnir. Did I mention Loki was a shapeshifter… which included turning into a mare in rut that one time to lure away the stallion of a Giant stonemason.

        I doubt Marvel could have worked that into the movies while keeping it PG-13.

  • I am going with Black Panther.
    Did anyone else see “Coming to America”?
    Imagine that, but unironically and with a dude who is not a spoiled creep.