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'The Voice' Recap: Finally, the Finals

We thought this “Voice” recap would never come. After weeks and weeks of watching and writing about “The Voice,” it’s finally the big ol’ finale. At the start of the week, we were down to the final three, the cream of the “Voice” crop who battled for bragging rights and a record label contract.

After an annoying performance by the coaches of Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar On Me,” we paused for some reflection on Ceelo’s Crayola red boots and his overall atrocious attire. How does he get away with it? How can he have that much self confidence? How can anyone? It’s amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LfXbZ9sqAI

Anyway, first up was Tessanne Chin singing Pink’s “Try,” the same song that got chairs turned during her audition.

'The Voice' Recap: Finally, the Finals

Now, we believe we’ve been calling Tessanne The Voice for at least a month, if not two. Even her coach Adam admitted he’s had the easiest coaching job of all because Tessanne is just perfect, possibly even not just the best singer on “The Voice” yet but one of the best singers ever. Why is she even on this show? Seriously. Someone just book the Staples Center and get it over with.

“You’re so good you make me want to be better,” Adam said. “Honest to God I just think that what you have is exceedingly rare. I have never seen anything like it in my life.” Plus, he said, she is a wonderful human being. Awwww.

Will 1

Will Champlin, too, sang the song that got him on the show, Gavin DeGraw’s “Not Over You.” It’s hard to imagine Will ever having swagger, ever taking on the cockiness that one needs to be a male rockstar. He’s got the chops, but can he be as big a douchebag as Adam Levine or John Mayer or any number of other male singing stars? The biz may eat him alive.

Jacquie Lee sauntered across the stage with a newfound confidence since the last time we saw the 16-year-old belt out Amy Winehouse’s “Back to Black” at the start. “I love this girl so much,” Christina said right off the bat. “I get so much joy seeing you do what you do.”

Jacquie 1

Please, please Jacquie Lee, do not pull a Demi Lovato on us some day. Please take care of yourself Jacquie Lee.

From there, the coaches stepped up and dueted with their peeps. Adam and Tessanne slipped a little reggae into their version of The Beatles’ “Let It Be.”

Tessanne Adam 2

Christina and Jacquie Lee sang Christina’s “We Remain” in complimentary red dresses.

Jacquie Christina

And Adam and Will ripped into Elton John’s “Tony Danza,” we mean “Tiny Dancer.”

Will Adam

And that was all well and good.

And then Tessanne killed Whitney Houston. Well obvs not literally killed Whitney Houston. Whitney took care of that herself. “It’s unlike anything I’ve ever heard before,” Adam said. There is no song too huge for this woman’s vocal chords. Adam even declared that in his mind and heart, she’s already won the show.

Oh, but up next: Will Champlin. Awkward. Adam’s other remaining contestant heard his coach bail on him seconds before he performed. Undaunted, he rose to the challenge of the most irritating song in the world, Bryan Adams’ “Everything I Do I Do For You.”

Jacquie tore into Jennifer Hudson’s “You’re Going to Love Me” magnificently. This is going to sound corny, but, seriously, can we just call all three of these people the winners of “The Voice?” We would not want to be the people in America willing to part with their hard earned cash to call, text or buy an iTunes song that counts as a vote. No, we would not.

Sure, we knew Tessanne was going to win it, but seeing 16-year-old Jacquie melt everyone’s eyelashes off with that Jennifer Hudson song left absolutely no doubt that Selena Gomez should not be such a big star. Jacquie Lee delivered the shivers out of nowhere, upstaging Tessanne as much as humanly possible, which is pretty much impossible. That girl sang her little teenage ass off.

Then a bunch of bands, boy groups and celebrities showed up on night two of the finals, but we know you give even a smaller portion of a rat’s derriere about that then the rest of this crap.

And we don’t even know what to say about this:

Screen Shot 2013-12-18 at 2.20.34 PM

They only met because Lady Gaga came on the show. What was interesting was that cold, cold Christina went out of her way to tell everyone that Lady Gaga is cool as shit, “lady to lady.”

We’ve actually caught ourselves lately telling friends that Christina actually [shudder] seems like a nice person, which is a big switch from our prior indelible feelings that Christina is the Diana Ross kind of crazy. Maybe “The Voice” is helping her tiny little heart grow two sizes, as well as ours.

The diva’s maternal attachment to Jacquie Lee — she said she thinks of her as a little sister, but she’s 20 years older, so uh — makes her seem much softer than before. So yeah, we’re sitting in a tree with Christina Aguilera now. Great.

Then they revealed the artist in third place, which was of course Will. We actually typed that before Carson Daly even announced it. After Monday night’s show, and of course his coach letting him know his time was limited a while earlier, we already knew we we’re saying our short goodbyes.

And the winner was… Tessanne Chin.

End Shot

See, we were right. And now we have an entire season of Adam gloating over Blake Shelton in the sexiest way possible to look forward to. We blame America.

TV Show: The Voice

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