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The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 1 (2011)
Dr. Winston O'Boogie
on Friday, November 16, 2012
After three years of assisting on Twilight reviews, the Doctor finally takes the series head-on with The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 1. Stephenie Meyer's novel gets split into two movies to extract an additional billion dollars from Twi-hards who line up for these things no matter how tedious or repulsive they get. And this one is certainly repulsive, as Bella gets pregnant with a half-vampire baby who treats her womb like a bouncy castle, Edward performs a Cesarean with his teeth, and Jacob embarks on an 18 year quest to groom his future wife.
The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
“My prediction at the end of my Twilight recap was correct: This movie did indeed suck harder than its predecessor. In fact, it sucked so hard that it made me wonder why I ever liked the first one to begin with.”Will the new Dracula suck?
“As long as it’s not Twilight, it’s hard to mess up vampires, right? Well... don’t count on that.”The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
Edward decides his kind is too dangerous to be around Bella, so he goes into contrived self-exile, leaving Bella to screech like a maniac for months before finally finding comfort in hot werewolf Jacob. Alas, Sofie's endless mocking of the movie earns her the wrath of Pia (played by Sofie Liv), a scantily-clad airhead who breaks into Sofie's house to share a love of all things Twilight!Cosmopolis (2012)
“As he points his gun at Packer’s head, I felt like he was also pointing a monologue gun at my own head, softly and rapidly firing word bullets into my brain.”The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 1 (2011)
Together with the Porn Critic, Sofie witnesses such exciting things as... a marriage! And a pregnancy! And pedophilia! Oh, Twilight, what will you come up with next?The Howling: New Moon Rising (1995)
"Ladies and gentleman, we have just witnessed how to stage a werewolf attack with only two dollars and fifty cents."
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