VIDEO: Vampires Suck (2010)

We continue our long tradition of dumping on Seltzerberg movies by reviewing their latest, Vampires Suck. This time out, the boys are spoofing The Twilight Saga (or at least, two-fifths of it), and guess what? It’s not nearly as soul-crushingly awful as what you’re imagining! Watch as Winston O’Boogie risks all his internet reviewer cred by admitting to actually laughing at this thing.

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Tag: Seltzerberg Films
Tag: Twilight

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  • I personally thought Scary Movie 3 was their crowning achievement… Just sayin…Which, I know, isn’t sayin much. but… whatever.

    • I’m pretty sure Seltzerberg (and the Wayans) had nothing to do with Scary Movie 3 other than getting a “characters created by” credit.

      • The_Stig

        Good lord, how did Anna Faris’ career manage to recover?

        • Cheshirecat

          “Anna Faris’ career”

          Bit of an oxymoron if you ask me.

          • The_Stig

            She’s a big enough deal that she hosted Saturday Night Live last year.

          • Cheshirecat

            I realize that people like different things. For me, SNL stopped being funny in the early ’90s.

          • The_Stig

            Our personal feelings about Anna Faris are irrelevant. I was simply pointing out that with the fact that since everything Seltzerberg touches turns to shit it’s a miracle she still has a career at all.

          • Not to disparage Anna, but… Charles Barkley hosted SNL last year. It’s not exactly a sign of a career on the rise.

    • John Wilson

      Scary movie 3 is hilarious

  • Zero_miles_per_hour

    I’m sort of glad that Seltzer and Friedberg exist.  Before they showed up, critics attacked every less-than-stellar parody movie for not measuring up to exemplars of the genre like Life Of Brian, The Naked Gun, This Is Spinal Tap, Blazing Saddles, Amazon Women On The Moon, and so on, so that when Seltzer and Friedberg started making movies that actually deserved these attacks, the critics had no way of communicating it.

  • Sofie Liv

    I am honestly just avoiding Seltzer and Freidberg at this point.

    I mean just all in all.. you can litterately collect way clevere and way funniere more recent spoof on the enternet made by enternet fans today.
    The Star kids, Colleague humour, how it should have ended. All spoofs that is funny as heck and consitently so, why would I even bother with Seltzer and Freidberg no more, only good thing about them, they make the new net spoofers like that much better.

    • It’s true, if what you’re looking for is a funny satire of Twilight, there are many YouTube videos that do a much better job than this movie. On the other hand, if you’re charting the rise and fall of two ex-frat boy stoners who thought they could make millions out of putting forth as little effort as possible, and are now struggling to turn things around, Vampires Suck is somewhat interesting.

  • Youfeelingluckypunk27

    Just watching a review of this movie makes my brain hurt. It’s so disgusting, sexist and mind-numbingly bad that I just can’t watch any footage of this anymore.

  • StevePotter

    Very good point you made at the end there… Still, I think I’ll give them thirty years. By then they should be able to make a decent film.

  • I’ve never seen a movie by these people…this one looks mildly funny, in a weird, funny-because-it’s-trying-so-hard-and-failing way…eh. Gotta be better than Breaking Dawn.

    • It’s a tough call, but between Breaking Dawn Pt 1 and Vampires Suck, I’d rather watch Vampires Suck. That’s mostly because Breaking Dawn is 45 minutes longer, boring as hell, and it doesn’t have Jenn Proske.

  • Sharing the pain doesn’t make it any easier for yourself you know. 

    • What can I say? It helps a bit to know I’m not the only one suffering.

      •  You should just avoid movies with homoerotic dance pieces in the future.  Make it easier for everybody. 

        • Dude, you know many movies that eliminates? Everything featuring Patrick Swayze, off the table, just like that.

          •  It’s all about priorities I guess. 

  • Torgeaux

    Isn’t Seltzer and Freidberg a drink you make with  German cabbage liquor and fizzy water? 

  • Tedzey71

    I stopped caring after “Meet the Spartans.” Ironically, it seems like a bunch of the jokes used in this movie like Jacob having teets was in “Date Movie” (which was salvageable because of Alyson Hannigan). I like me silly slapstick to the point where I enjoy “Wrongfully Accused,” but they push it way too far by not giving a crap 😛

    • Oh, they totally didn’t give a crap when they made Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, etc. That’s what makes this one interesting. You can tell they actually DID give a crap this time around, and it still sucked.

      • The_Stig

        It just didn’t suck as much as Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, etc. By Seltzerberg standards I’d go so far as to say this is one of their better films. And by that I mean I actually didn’t want to gouge out my soul with a spoon. It’s still not a GOOD parody.

        Where films like Airplane, The Naked Gun and Blazing Saddles succeeded was that they parodied genres, not individual films, and that way they had their own self-contained stories that the gags worked to supplement, not the other way around. Seltzerberg just don’t get it.

  • TheCrazyFish

    I have actually heard people say before that, of all of Seltzerberg’s films this was the least awful. Unfortunately it still wasn’t good and at this point most (intelligent) people don’t feel like giving them a chance regardless.

    Nice review, Albert.

  • Steven Pryor

    It’s clear the talent with the Scary Movie franchise lied with the Wayans Brothers and the Zucker Brothers. I laughed absolutely once at this movie, and it was 72 minutes in. It was a joke about trying to rig the prom election, and it resulted in 69,000 votes being given in a class of 300 students. I got a good chuckle out of that. Now, Seltzer and Friedberg’s merit can only be seen by me as candidates for this generation’s Ed Wood (along with Uwe Boll and Tommy Wiseau). I can see them plummeting right back into stagnation with The Biggest Movie of All Time 3D, but that would imply they actually did something right.

    • Tedzey71

      I think they’re changing the title into “the starving games.” Guess what they’re parodying! 

      • Yep, it appears their Hunger Games parody is actually happening, filming will start this month: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2403029/
        I usually wouldn’t trust IMDb, but the page looks legitimate. Apparently, it’s going to feature “Nick Fury”, “Arnold Schwarzenegger” and “Jason Statham”. Can’t wait!

        • The_Stig

          You’ve got to love the subtle genius of their jokes. “Look, it’s Nick Fury!” *a cow falls on him*. Sublime.  You know what movie I wish Seltzerberg WOULD make?

          Good Movie.

      • Cristiona

        Can’t be any worse than this: http://www.amazon.com/The-Hunger-Pains-Harvard-Lampoon/dp/1451668201

        Having the cat say “woof” is the height of comedy.  Take THAT! felines of the world!

  • Monty39

    Oh, Dave Foley, WHY…?!

    • Immortan Scott

      Just be thankful he has clothes on unlike the last time he was in the Agony Booth.

      • Tedzey71

         Oh… Monkeybone 😉

    • Like I said, not even close to the worst movie he’s been in. The guy was in It’s Pat.

  • MichaelANovelli

    You know, it’s movies like this that make me wonder about the other ZAZ knock-offs that there were a lot of in the 90’s, like Don’t Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood.  Whatever happened to all that?

    • Scary Movie was basically the Wayans’ follow-up to Don’t Be a Menace. The original title was Scream If You Know What I Did Last Halloween or something like that. And a lot of the ZAZ knockoffs with Leslie Nielsen tanked (2001: A Space Travesty) so that’s probably why they stopped making them.

    • TheCrazyFish

       Okay, I have to ask. What is ZAZ? I tried Google, but all it says is that Zaz is a french pop singer which…yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s not what you’re referring to.

      • MichaelANovelli

        Zucker-Abrams-Zucker.  A production company.  They made the Airplane movies, among others…

        • TheCrazyFish

           Ah, okay.

  • MichaelANovelli

    I will say this: this is the only movie of theirs from recent years that didn’t make me feel like I needed a shower…

  • So, I’ll just leave this here for anyone who hasn’t seen it (check out who replied).

    https://twitter.com/agonybooth/status/252260948423888897

    • TheCrazyFish

      So, according to Jenn Proske, Friedberg and Seltzer make crap movies, but are nice people? Fair enough.

  • TheCrazyFish

     I agree with the guy who said he’s glad Seltzerberg exist so as to show critics what a REAL godawful parody movie is. It’s important to have both a top and a bottom standard when you’re reviewing things, otherwise you end up just despising everything.

    Think about it. Before Uwe Boll became popular and showed us what a truly jaw-droppingly bad video game movie looked like, people were trying to apply that label to movies like Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. Once we all saw how bad it could really get we realized that Spirits Within was actually a lot closer to the top of the barrel than we thought. A classic? Not really, but compared to Boll’s Postal it’s a freakin’ masterpiece.

    Similarly, before Seltzerberg showed us just how awful parody movies could be, the average person thought “the worst of the worst” included stuff like 2001: A Space Travesty and Spy Hard.

    The point is, if you’re so critical that you consider, say, Will Smith’s Wild Wild West a “one out of ten” movie, then what could Epic Movie possibly be? A negative one million out of ten? Seltzerberg might not have given us good movies, but they did give us perspective which is, while not as good, far more important.

  • Tim Terrell

    How could you recommend ‘Vampires Suck’ to anyone when thee were only two jokes out of the ones that you ‘liked’ that you didn’t end up admitting Seltzerberg ran into the ground. The problem with recommending shit movies are that there are so many good movies out there really worth seeing. You are just encouraging people to waste time when they could be discovering real classics…or volunteering to help the less fortunate, exercising, getting involved in community activities. Okay, at the very least getting caught up on breaking bad or writing that screenplay or novel they have been meaning to get to. It’s gotta be better than this.

    btw pointing out other bad comedies is a moot point. You are just deflecting. No one really said Seltzerberg are the only people who make bad movies. And other bad movies existing doesn’t make them any good.  Every example of bad comedy that came out in those 4 years was better than any Seltzerberg movie. In 30 years the movies, Year One, for example will be a bad movie about prehistoric cavemen. But people will get it (like we would understand the jokes in Ringo Starr’s horrible movie “Cave Man” today). But 10 more years from now (I’m being generous) no teen or 20 year old will understand the pop culture jokes in Seltzerberg movies that expire before this movie even hit theaters.

    Also, those other movies you showed as examples have story structure, infinitely better actors, a decent production budget and half competent directors that TRY to make with the funny.

    What’s annoying about “critics” like you and Lunatic Fringe is that you waste your time and try to waste the time of others defending garbage like this and Batman & Robin and by attempting to get them to watch this dreck..