Sportsball Time! USA v Ghana Twitter Recap

Ride, Captain, ride/ Upon your mystery ship!

The World Cup is happening, which means that for the next few weeks, we’ll get to see some of the planet’s finest athletes making some unbelievably graceful and athletic dives. Tens of millions of hearts will leap into tens of millions of throats as household names like Lazaros “The Builder” Christodoulopoulos, Bastian “Sebastian” Schweinsteiger, and Fred “Fred” (no last name, because Brazil) score goals without even using their hands!

It is a pretty big thing, as sports things go, and last night, the United States’ Men’s National Team played its first World Cup match of the year (soccer games are called “matches” for no good reason). We did not watch lots of the game, but we will recap it at you now with the help of Twitter, so you can feel connected to a quadrennial global event in which everyone just dives constantly. We will not, however, be hating on soccer like some people, even though we sort of hate soccer.

Okay! So the Americans were better at kicking the soccer ball last night than their opponents, Ghana, who is apparently pretty good? Good for you, Ghana! Also, you have an awesome team nickname, “the Black Stars,” how can the U.S. Americans get one of those? As far as we can tell, everyone just calls us “the Yanks,” which we think is maybe a dick joke.

“The Yanks” are also sometimes called the #USMNT.

Judah Friedlander had some important pre-game thoughts to share, and Bamz made a Vine!

U-S-A! U-S-A! Barack Obama has always been a tremendous fan of sport. On to the game! Usually, soccer makes you sit around forever until someone scores a goal, because they don’t let you use your hands or your arms at all (really!), so you have to take this stupid bouncy ball and actually kick it or otherwise nudge it into a box where there’s already a man standing. Even worse and also for no reason, the man in the box gets to use his hands, which sound pretty unfair to us, soccer. Anyway, this game was different because we only had to wait, like, literally (actually literally!) 30 seconds until someone scored, and hooray it was an American playing for America!

And Twitter went buh-nanas.

Yes, everything was soccer-ing right along for the U.S. American SoccerRoos, UNTIL DISASTER STRUCK. One of our brave soccer heroes was about to become a wounded warrior. American striker (that’s the cool name forwards get in soccer) Josmer Volmy “Jozy” Altidore went down with what appeared to be an injured hamstring. Garments were rent, teeth were gnashed.

Presumably, Ghana was pleased.

And then, oh noez! (GET IT?), there was another American player who deserved a goddamn Purple Heart for getting a soccer boo-boo, and it was Clint Dempsey, the same Clint Dempsey from the goal scoring we mentioned earlier. A stray soccer kick hit Clint in the face, and the blood, oh the blood.

Then there was about a billion minutes of boring in which nothing happened. Players kicked and headed and dived with all they had, but to no avail. The announcers had to fill this barren wasteland with commentary, and so they did with their pinched, nasal accents. “CRACKING FOOTIE,” as they say in Jolly Olde Englande or whatever. “SUCH SKILL” was uttered a couple times, probably, because that’s something you hear in every soccer game along with “WHAT CLASS,” and “CAN THEY BREAK THROUGH?” and other odd, bangers-and-mash-scented murmurings. This game was a big deal in Ghana.

And so you can imagine there were quite a few more pro-U.S. tweets than there were Ghanaian tweets throughout the game.

And then Ghana scored, and there was some celebration and questionable phrasing.

Yes, we seemed to be headed for another low-scoring tie, which is apparently what soccer fans think fun looks like. And then America went and ruined everything.

Shut the fuck up, Auburn fans, college football is the only sport we like less than soccer and golf. And then the Americans won and we did what we do best: we reveled in our victory over a country with a much smaller population than us, and we did so with a mixture of racism, Twisted Sister references, and terrible puns.

And they say soccer isn’t fun!

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