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VIDEO: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

Michael A. Novelli steps up to host the Movie Skewer and take over our coverage of the Twilight Saga: the continuing misadventures of a vacant, passive high school girl, the creepy vampire who controls her, and the werewolf/rapist-in-training who comes between them! In the third installment, Bella and Edward are engaged, which pisses off Jacob, while Victoria organizes an army of “newborn” vampires to kill Bella and get revenge on Edward. So yeah, pretty much the same plot as New Moon, only this time they pay Bryce Dallas Howard to stand around and do nothing.

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Tag: Twilight

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  • Michael A. Novelli

    Behold, y’all, my snazzy leather-bear outfit!

    • Mike

      Smexy

      • Michael A. Novelli

        I’m blushing…

    • Zorha

      I must admit I was rather shocked (and delighted) by the prominence of the Bear Pride flag.

      That being said I am holding Jacob’s shirt ransom until Twilight gives me something else worth appreciating.

      • Michael A. Novelli

        Well then, spread the word, good sir!

  • Paul Guest

    Very nice.

    Where’s Jet?

    • Michael A. Novelli

      Back in Australia, doing her own thing.

      We invited her back for a cameo, but she’s busy with school and doesn’t like having her picture taken…

      • I figured as much; pretty gracious of you, though, after what happened… 🙂

        • Michael A. Novelli

          Well, she and I settled our differences a long time ago.

          She’s not coming back to the site, though, if you had your hopes up. In the mean time, be sure to buy her Fallen Moon Trilogy, wherever fine fantasy novels are sold!

  • Olaf_the_Lofty

    Lots of good stuff here. A few remarks:
    The rain in Seattle is classic Hollywood fire-hose rain, that is, the work of a fire-hose squirting up in the air offscreen. Real rain rarely, if ever, looks like that.
    As you know, the next-to-last film is having its premieres at the moment. The women at Go Fug Yourself referred to it this evening very appropriately as “Breaking Dawn: Make It Stop”.
    The business about how Edward can’t have sex with Bella because he’s “too strong and would actually kill her” reminds me of Larry Niven’s essay on the implications of sex between Superman and Lois Lane, “Man of Steel – Woman of Kleenex”. And if you haven’t read that, you should.
    http://www.rawbw.com/~svw/superman.html

    • Michael A. Novelli

      I remember reading that while I was in high school. Really took my mind off of the algebra lesson, lemme tell ya…

  • Gasmaskangel

    The thing I hate, really really hate about this movie is how every one of the back stories we’re given here would make more a much better movie.

    • Michael A. Novelli

      I know, right?

  • Arcadiassx999

    Excellent bashing of this title, Mr. Novelli I enjoy yer reviews. This one is chock full of quotable insults for this terrible franchise. Thanks for the fun reviews.

    • Michael A. Novelli

      Thanks!

      Which insults would those be?

      • Arcadiassx999

        Insults like,……Ummmmm, Hm! Maybe i was just reading into your review a little too much and hearing things i wanted to hear. Maybe next time I’ll have three cups of tea before i start another Agony Booth vid review! 😀

        Any who love yer reviews. BTW the theme song for your “Mr. Mendo’s Hack Attack” is outstanding. I find myself humming that tune when i witness something insane going on like people who defend Michael Bey, George Lucas, J.J.Abrams, R.D.Moore, the current U.S. Administration.

        • Michael A. Novelli

          Ah yes, written by our own John Ames!

          Give him a hand, everybody!

  • kennzeichen1d

    So many questions.
    Ex-girlfriend?
    Financial obligations?
    The Dr.-Pepper-rule?
    Stan Ferguson a cheating bastard?
    Gambling debts?
    A Wiener-Mobile?
    Will this be explained in the next video? (At least the “Dr.-Pepper-rule”)
    No?
    O.K., Moving on…

    • Michael A. Novelli

      I can answer those right now:

      My ex-girlfriend (we’ll call her Arya) used to write for this site, in particular the Twilight recaps.

      Mr. Mendo is a bit of a gambler, as we saw in Rubber.

      The Dr. Pepper rule is an optional rule in Egyptian Rat Screw that makes the sequence 10 2 4 a slap-able hand. Very few people opt to use it.

      Of course Stan’s a cheating bastard. Just look at those eyes, he’s clearly up to something.

      They won’t be explained in the upcoming video, as I explained them to you just now :-)…

      • kennzeichen1d

        Thank you, my capitain for them kind words.

        Just had to make that reference. So appropriate.

  • kennzeichen1d

    Off topic:
    Does anyone else her watch that
    Kyle Kallgren – series
    “BROWS HELD HIGH”?

    Could fit on this site, wíth the AGONY brought on by pretentious artfilms,
    could´nt it?

    • Michael A. Novelli

      I do and I agree 100%, especially since Oancitizen is a close friend of my upcoming guest hostess, Diamanda Hagan…

      • Randy

        I think he’s already booked with thatguywiththeglasses.

        • Michael A. Novelli

          Indeed he is! And more power to him…

  • Dan

    Thats actually the first time in over ten years that i’ve heard someone being called a smeghead…

    • Michael A. Novelli

      That’s what I get for watching Red Dwarf right before filming…

  • Monoceros4

    Man, I really tried to get through the first one of these Twilight movies with the help of Rifftrax but even that (and being intoxicated and with a friend) just wasn’t enough. We stopped after maybe two-thirds of the way. The kid playing Edward comes across like that sullen guy who maybe you thought was a total fox when you were sixteen but now he just seems faintly ridiculous, like maybe he practices smouldering in front of the bathroom mirror an hour every morning to get his act down. And there’s nothing to say about the Bella performance; there’s just nothing there.

    Still, I’d like to sort of keep track of what the fuss is about without watching any more of it, so this review is invaluable. I feel better now although I don’t suppose I’ll ever understand the appeal of this material.

    • Michael A. Novelli

      Yeah, the actors’ self-loathing really shines through every frame, doesn’t it?

    • Daweeka1

      I agree, how they sucked people into watching these movies, over and over and over again, I will never get. Perhaps it’s the music, Jacob is kinda hot too, but the acting, well has no depth, it’s like they learned the lines and that was it. I don’t think they suit one another as a couple either. Again, I think Edward has a creepy white ghastly flattened out face. He is ugly, plain and simple. This series aggravated the sh** out of me for another reason entirely, it began the trend of vampire love, which historically, comes from Vlad the impaler. Read up on him and then think of what a vampire is. It will both shock and disgust you and you’ll never look at another vampire show, or movie the same way, honestly. 

  • Cristiona

    Their song? I was expecting Every Breath You Take by the Police.

    • Michael A. Novelli

      Nah, Edward and Bella rock out to “Jungle Love”!

  • Youfeelingluckypunk27

    Some bits of the film I actually liked. Billy Burke is as loveable as ever as Charlie, as is Anna Kendrick as Jessica; the movie had a good opening and- admittedly- some pretty cool fight scenes. It also had a few funny moments like when Bella punches Jacob but breaks her hand. I can’t decide if ‘Eclipse’ or ‘Twilight’ is the least bad of the series so far. ‘Twilight’ had some good eerie moments but is so silly that it’s actually fun to watch.

    • Michael A. Novelli

      If I absolutely had to choose, I would go with the first one, as it had beautiful cinematography and the actors weren’t silently begging us to kill them yet…

  • Starofjustice

    To be totally fair to these movies that don’t deserve it, Jasper isn’t new at being A VAMPIRE, he’s new at being a vampire THAT DOESN’T EAT HUMANS.

    • Michael A. Novelli

      Ah. They could have done a better job explaining that, then…

      • Starofjustice

        Yes, they could’ve. Then again, it’s not like the books are any good at explaining themselves either.

  • Michael A. Novelli

    So, I’m a guest on the latest Bunny Perspective with Todd in the Shadows, Oancitizen and Cin Wicked: http://blip.tv/the-bunny-perspective/the-bunny-perspective-gigantic-a-tale-of-two-johns-5752850

  • Connie333

    There are lots of things that I don’t get about the popularity of theTwilight franchise.
    The fact that even the actor playing the protaganist is creeped out by it being the author’s wet dream. The as-subtle-as-a-sledgehammer pro sexual abstinance and anti abortion message. The “hero” being so controlling as to disable the “heroine’s” car and actually sneak into her bedroom at night to watch her before ripping her child out of her with his teeth so that her other boyfriend can instantly fall in love with it.
    All of this pales in comparison to the fact that these films have made a ridiculous amount of money and still the werewolf and vampire effects still don’t look much better than the average syfy mockbuster film.

    • Michael A. Novelli

      You have to remember, the books were written by someone with only a passing knowledge of the English language. Clearly their fans will buy anything…

      • Starofjustice

        Not to mention only a passing understanding of how fiction works…

        • Michael A. Novelli

          Be grateful she doesn’t attempt non-fiction…

  • I have to react to the “Switzerland” thing. No, not talking about it like she means her vagina. The simple fact that she claims she’s neutral between the two groups of supernatural creatures. When the boy she’s picked belongs to one and she plans to trade in her species to match his. In what universe is that considered “neutral”?

  • LobsterJesus

    Criticising the Twilight franchise is like dissing Vern Troyer’s basketball skills. What do you expect from movies created to cash in on the blinkered crush mentality of illiterate little girls?

    • Michael A. Novelli

      Effort…

  • loismustdie

    You know, I actually liked this movie, compared to the other Twilight films, if for no other reason than Jasper being so much more of a badass hero character than any of the lead characters. That being said, this movie still sucked.

    But, and this bugs me immensely, as someone who’s actually been set on fire twice in a very similar fashion to Victoria, and as someone who’s a pyromaniac, people don’t burn that quickly and easily just because you throw a Zippo at them! If they did, my brother would be in jail and I’d still be recovering from a mass amount of burns. Or I’d be dead.

  • Just like Spoony said… if you’re worried about killing her Ed… LET HER GET ON TOP!!!

    • Michael A. Novelli

      Oh, that Spoony, is he ever wrong?

  • Frankie

    Robert Pattinson, I agree with your views on the Twilight franchise but for the LOVE OF GOD let somebody wax your eyebrows. They make you look about forty years old.

  • Kellylove

    this thing is worst website i ever been to they dont even let you see the movie its just som fake movie by a fan

    • Michael A. Novelli

      You do know this is a “review” site, right? We *review* the movie, we don’t just let people watch the whole thing. That would be illegal…

  • SeXy-SoNyA-GotZ-sWaG

    worst website ever!!!!!!

    • MichaelANovelli

      I disagree…

    • Earthbound_X

       You two aren’t making Twilight fans look good you know?

  • Daweeeka1

    My daughter and I are extremely close, and she dragged me to all of these movies, except the one that just came out recently, I loved your review for this movie series. It was very accurate, you did come off as not liking it to begin with, but that’s exactly what a critic does, is look for weaknesses in the acting, plot and general overall crap that is wrong with the movie. Apparently there are children who are supposed to be in their pyjamas or doing their homework who wound up on this site. As it is clear they don’t know what a critique is. The acting in this movie is pathetic, I’ve yet to see a movie with this type of actors in it that didn’t flop. The two main characters Edward and Bella are the most seemingly inexperienced actors I’ve ever seen. Edwards face looks like the formative nine months were spent with a brick on his face, FLAT! Yuck. I think I do like jacob, and the actor who plays the doctor are cute and both at least appear to have experience in acting. Thumbs up for the review. I’ll be back for more. You can just tell these posts are from kids, so don’t take them to heart, they are trying to goad you,don’t be offended, just remember where it’s coming from……. 🙂

    • MichaelANovelli

      Sorry about the delay, but thank you!