TV Show: Once Upon a Time
This week on Once, the writers bastardize Beowulf (which, in their defense, couldn’t be made much worse than it already was). Also this week, Rumple tries twice to prevent his kids from becoming assholes...
This week on Once, we finally found out who murdered Prince Charming’s dad, and it actually wasn’t who you thought it would be… until it ended up being exactly who you thought it would...
Welcome back to Storybrooke, folks! It’s a magical, mystical land where characters leave, die, and return from the dead, age (or don’t) whenever they feel like, a place from which Continuity and Logic escaped...
This week on Once, Belle’s “baby” keeps haunting her dreams, while not so subtly hitting on her, and no one is supposed to think that’s weird. Aladdin becomes a Genie, and moves into a lamp, which I guess beats his prior job of living in a cave and being unemployed.
Last week on Once, while I was in Spain, the Evil Queen cast a curse on Snow White and Prince Charming, so that they could never be awake at the same time. Specifically, every…
This week on Once, Captain Hook learns that, contrary to popular belief, the best way to make friends and influence people is not by taking their Pop-Tarts and murdering their dads.
This week on Once, Aladdin lets Jasmine check out his Man Cave. Hook gets crafty with a pair of Emma’s scissors. The Evil Queen and the Wicked Witch get mani/pedis from Goldilocks. And a popular fan theory is swiftly debunked.
This week on Once: The Beast tries to win back Belle’s heart by incarcerating her. (Hey, it worked last time!) Snow White learns that she’s a terrible teacher, when the subject is anything other than making a birdhouse. The Evil Queen’s kryptonite is finally revealed. And yet another sort-of villain is given a hasty partial redemption arc before meeting his untimely demise.
This week on Once, Cinderella goes POSTAL… for a few seconds. Also this week, Hook and Emma get baby fever. Rumpel makes Belle a mix tape. And the Evil Queen comes up with a nefarious scheme… to perfect her adopted son’s bad posture.
This week on Once, a sex-deprived Evil Queen hits on everyone from a newborn baby to herself. Also, the writers kill another sexy male guest star because, apparently, they hate me.
Time to head off on new adventures, battle evil villains, make questionable fashion and hair choices, and egregiously bastardize even more increasingly obscure bedtime stories from your youth.
The war on magic starts today, folks! Until we decide that we actually like magic. Then, the war on magic ends. And we start a war against something else . . . people with multiple personality disorder, I think. Also, vanilla ice pops. We hate vanilla ice pops!
You get a Dead Boyfriend! And you get a Dead Boyfriend! And you get a Dead Boyfriend! This week, the writers of Once celebrate Mother’s Day, by murdering a handful of the show’s menfolk. Because, in Storybrook, girls run the world, and boys are just there to look pretty.
This week on Once, all the disjointed plot points line up in just the right way for everybody to conveniently get out of the Underworld . . . well, everybody except the guy they went in to get in the first place. Also, we learn the true inspiration behind Emma’s fashion choices.
This week’s installment of Once is all about The FAM: sisters, daughters, mothers, fathers, sons, evil twin brothers we accidentally turn into sperm. There’s enough complicated familial exchanges in this hour to fill up an entire year of therapy sessions. And you thought YOUR PARENTS SCREWED YOU UP FOR LIFE?
Because when you are really hot, look good in red, and occasionally turn into a murderous wolf, finding True Love only takes an hour tops (actually more like 45 minutes, and a few commercial breaks).
This week on Once, we get to watch the man who died after being turned into a rose, kick the bucket a second time, when he gets turned into a giant sperm. It’s actually kind of romantic, in a weird way.
Who knew the Lord of the Underworld was just another dumb schmuck looking for love in all the wrong places?
Take a break from biting the heads off chocolate Easter bunnies to come on a high seas journey, where the water is always choppy, everyone smells like mildew, and no one knows how to steer. But hey, we’ve got brothers with dorky hats and Irish accents. Totally worth the seasickness / possible death by drowning, right?
This week on Once: a daring rescue goes awry; a reunion between old lovers reminds us just how incestuous this show actually is; Regina gets a new job as a horse whisperer; and a female character’s “secret” pregnancy is revealed by looking at her husband’s balls.