TV Show: Game of Thrones
The real world isn’t quite as far from the Seven Kingdoms as you might think. In fact, many of the characters are shockingly similar…
Chances are, if you grew up during The Wonder Years (whether the actual time the series was set in or watching it), then you also remember Murder She Wrote and Sunday nights when the whole family could gather around ye olde television set without embarrassment because this was before Sundays were for mafia kingpins or meth labs or bipolar CIA agents who made bad choices…
This finale was like my jeans after Thanksgiving dinner, bursting at the seams with good stuff (and not so good stuff), but super satisfying. Long-held theories confirmed? Sure! The demise of people you hated? Check! Creepy kids? Sure! Lyanna Mormont proving she’s cooler than everyone else on the show? Yup!
We’ve been waiting all season for this one. Ramsey DIES! Sansa gets REVENGE! The Starks retake Winterfell! Davos finds a TOY! Dany burns some boats and gets hit on by a girl! Everybody gets their just desserts in GOT’s bloodiest hour to date, except me, because I lost my appetite.
This week on GOT, Arya finally quits her job at Burgerless White Castle, Tyrion reveals his idea for a spinoff series, Tommen screws his mother (but not literally, because only her brother does that now), everybody gossips about how hot Jamie Lannister is, and all the best deaths happen off-screen.
This week, Ian McShane becomes Drew Barrymore’s character from Scream. Arya learns to develop a healthy fear of old people. The High Sparrow gets pervy. Everyone’s favorite “canine” character returns to make up for all those dead direwolves. And I choose a new favorite candidate for the Iron Throne.
This week, Bran fast forwards Warg DVR to reunite with a relative; Arya gives acting notes to a porn star; we meet Sam’s dad Archie Bunker; Tommen becomes the poster child for incest baby brain damage; and Dany gives her pregame speech while on a dragon, because walking is for pussies.
In which Bran Stark, binge-watcher of Warg-DVR, taker of naps, tree-hanger-outer, RUINS EVERYTHING! Also, Sansa throws some much-awaited shade at Little Finger; Arya watches a porn version of Season 1 of GOT; and the winner of the Kingsmoot gets the medieval equivalent of a toilet bowl head-dunk swirly.
In which everyone in Westeros experiences something more rare than a double rainbow or boobies that are completely immune to fire damage . . . a good day. Well, at least everyone whose name isn’t Osha, Nameless Dead Dothraki Dudes and Loras with the Bad Hair . . .
This week, we bid farewell to the most adorable of Shaggydog(s) and the most odious of Olliepops. Also, Jon Snow has a small dong. Dany meets a Dothraki Regina George. And Bran realizes that playing Back to the Future could have Butterfly Effect consequences Ashton Kutcher never dreamed of!
This week on Game of Thrones, Jon Snow LIVES! Roose Bolton DIES! Tyrion doesn’t get eaten by dragons. And Hodor expands his vocabulary, sort of. One of the benefits of posting a late recap, is I can spoil big plot points right off the bat, and only feel mildly guilty about doing it.
GOT’s sixth season premiere offered a little something for everyone: long awaited reunions, kick ass females, gory murder sequences, quotable one-liners, adorable dire wolfs, more grist for the Jon Snow dead or alive speculation mill, and naked old people. Because some folks are just really into naked old people.
This week on the Game of Thrones season finale, everybody and their mother dies. Except for Cersei, who learns just how tough (and naked) the Walk of Shame can be. And Dany, who finds herself a brand new army. But everyone else is pretty much dead.
King Stannis learns the meaning of the word “sacrifice,” one of Arya’s prayers is about to be answered, Jon Snow is down to his last friend, and Dany’s got herself a new ride.
The zombies are coming! Zombies warriors! Zombie babies! Zombie moms! Soooo many zombies! Oh, and Tyrion finally gets to meet Dany on the other side of the world. But mostly zombies.
This week, Game of Thrones featured many of the good citizens of Westeros attempting to obtain pardons for their sins (and the sins of others) with highly variable rates of success, ranging from Jorah’s violent but hopeless attempt to win back Dany to Gilly’s much appreciated thank you roll in the hay with Sam.
This week on Game of Thrones, the series’ war on weddings with poor Sansa Stark the latest victim. Also, Arya gets a promotion, Margaery gets a demotion, Bronn and Jamie play dress-up, and Tyrion and Jorah make some new friends with benefits, but, perhaps, not the kind of benefits they were hoping for.
This week on Game of Thrones, Dany feeds her dragon kids a gourmet lunch. Greyworm lives to be ball-less another day. Jon Snow grows a pair. Sansa comes to terms with just how badly her life sucks. Tyrion grudgingly acknowledges the perks of being held hostage.
GAME OF THRONES: Population Control
This week’s Game of Thrones features Arya doing a little housekeeping, Sansa getting engaged again, Tommen getting a whole lot of nookie, Jon Snow getting a little head, Margaery beating Cersei in a verbal smackdown, and a High Septon being quite literally beaten by his religion.