True Detective: Night Finds You

truedetective_title

FADE IN:

INT. VINCE VAUGHN’S HOUSE

VINCE VAUGHN is lying in bed with KELLY REILLY. He is WIDE AWAKE.

KELLY REILLY
What’s the matter, pookums?

VINCE VAUGHN
Oh you know, just my existential crisis robbing me of my sleep.

KELLY REILLY
Well, I’m not a doctor, but I played one on a short-lived ABC drama series, so why don’t you tell me what’s ailing you.

VINCE VAUGHN
See those water damage stains on our ceiling there? In addition to a reminder that I’m double mortgaged on a house I can’t afford to get repaired, it also brings back memories of when my dad used to lock me in the basement whenever he got drunk. One time, he got arrested while I was in there and I was stuck for days on end.

As he’s PONTIFICATING, the CAMERA zooms in on VINCE’S FACE until you can COUNT HIS NASAL HAIRS.

VINCE VAUGHN
While I was asleep on the third day, a rat came and nibbled on my finger. I grabbed it and smashed it into a fine paste.

KELLY REILLY
Ah, I guess that’s a metaphor for how you react with excessive violence whenever something comes at you.

VINCE VAUGHN
I was thinking maybe I’m still stuck in that basement and I’m really just dreaming this life I have.

KELLY REILLY
I suppose, if you want to get really idiosyncratic.

VINCE VAUGHN
I don’t think this show knows any other thing.

INT. OFFICE

A bunch of SUITS are sitting in an OFFICE and gearing up to BORE THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER.

AFEMO OMILAMI
Okay, we’re about to introduce a metric fuckton of bit characters to cover the jurisdictional circlejerk that concerns the investigation into the city manager’s murder. Let’s go around the room, shall we? I’m the state police chief.

JAMES FRAIN
And I’m his lieutenant. We’ll be running Colin Farrell’s end on this.

ALEX FERNANDEZ
I’m with the county police department, so I guess I’m representing Rachel McAdams.

C.S. LEE
I’m the attorney general and also one of the worst things about Dexter.

MICHAEL HYATT
And I’m his assistant. The two of us will be approaching Taylor Kitsch as our link to the investigation. Just to make things more complicated, I’ll also be horning in on Rachel.

My name is Michael.

And to make matters EVEN MORE complicated, Michael is the one on the left.

AFEMO OMILAMI
Great, let me just bottomline the levels of jurisdiction conveniently represented by the protagonists so everyone can immediately forget about all this. Rachel is county, she runs the task force. Colin is state, he runs second. Taylor is local, so he just runs around. Everyone up to speed? Next scene, fucking please.

MICHAEL HYATT
Wait, I have some more stuff about the history of Vinci. It was founded in the early 1900s as a–

AFEMO OMILAMI
NEXT SCENE!

EXT. INDUSTRIAL PARK

COLIN FARRELL is meeting with VINCE VAUGHN.

COLIN FARRELL
Can we make this quick? I just got out of a meeting with Vinci mayor Ritchie Coster about industrial rezoning and county tax revenues or some shit. Seems like I’ll have to answer to both the police and the mayor’s conflicting interests.

VINCE VAUGHN
Actually, you’ll be dancing to three tunes. I was dealing with the city manager on a railway project upstate, so I need you to look out for my skin in this investigation too.

COLIN FARRELL
Fuck me, did I accidentally wander into an episode of 24?

VINCE VAUGHN
Remember who signs your paychecks!

COLIN FARRELL
The Vinci police department?

VINCE VAUGHN
Okay, bad figure of speech. Remember who slides you envelopes full of cash across the table!

COLIN FARRELL
You got me there.

INT. RACHEL MCADAMS’ CAR

COLIN is RIDING SHOTGUN in RACHEL’S CAR.

COLIN FARRELL
Hah, riding shotgun. Foreshadowing!

RACHEL MCADAMS
What?

COLIN FARRELL
Nothing! So what’s our first move, partner?

RACHEL MCADAMS
The city manager was tortured and his fuck palace was turned over, so whoever killed him wanted something from him. Let’s start by going over his whereabouts the last few months.
(tugs on an e-cigarette)

COLIN FARRELL
Jesus Christ, you vape? I tried that once. Felt like I was smoking me. Like I was sucking on a robot dick.

RACHEL MCADAMS
Seriously? Being philosophical about a fucking e-cigarette is bad enough on its own, and you turn it into that? “Sucking a robot dick.” Good grief.

TRUE DETECTIVE: Night Finds You

“It’s almost enough to make me pine for a regular cigarette again.”

As they’re driving, the CAMERA tries to do for VINCI what DAVID SIMON did for BALTIMORE.

INT. HANGAR

W. EARL BROWN and TAYLOR KITSCH are hanging out in a HANGAR, which doubles as THE TASK FORCE HEADQUARTERS.

TAYLOR KITSCH
So I got the city manager’s bank records. Oh, guess what? Some faggot at the bank came on to me like a fucking fairy. Can you believe that? Almost punched the guy’s lights out.

W. EARL BROWN
Jeez, why don’t you just wear a big sign that says “I’m gay and in denial.”

TAYLOR KITSCH
What the fuck did you just say to me?

W. EARL BROWN
You can’t get it up, not even for a fine woman like Adria Arjona, and we just got a glimpse of your relationship with your mother, which would make Oedipus blush. You’re so far back in the closet, you can see Narnia.

TAYLOR KITSCH
I’m not in denial!

W. EARL BROWN
See?

COLIN and RACHEL walk in.

COLIN FARRELL
Look at that, the gang’s all here. I’ve cross-referenced the city manager’s withdrawals with his calendar, which leads me to believe he’s been soliciting escorts once a month. But I’ll be taking that to Vince to follow up on, so does anybody have anything else?

RACHEL MCADAMS
Looks like he was seeing a shrink in some fancy private clinic.

TAYLOR KITSCH
Hey, guuuys, mind if I skedaddle? That’s right, I’m already treating this opportunity like a 9-to-5 job.

COLIN FARRELL
I’m off too. I have to go meet my ex-wife for a fucking intense scene about our son. HE’S MY SON, I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS!

INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE

VINCE VAUGHN is meeting with MAYOR RITCHIE COSTER.

RITCHIE COSTER
I know it’s early in the day, but seeing as how open I am about being a corrupt scumbag, I shouldn’t feel bad about mixing myself a drink!
(remains perpetually hammered)

VINCE VAUGHN
Relax, it’s making you the most entertaining character so far, and Lord knows we can use some levity. Anyways, here’s your monthly kickback.

RITCHIE COSTER
You’re 10,000 dollars short, Vince. You better come through or I might just sell your casino out from under you. Thus passes the glory of the world.

VINCE VAUGHN
What the hell was that? Are you trying to be the Matthew McConaughey of this ensemble cast?

RITCHIE COSTER
Hey, at least it beats “sucking robot dick” into the ground.

INT. PRIVATE CLINIC

COLIN and RACHEL drive up to the FANCY CLINIC to talk to THE CITY MANAGER’S THERAPIST, who is played by RICK SPRINGFIELD.

COLIN FARRELL
No way, Rick Springfield? Wearing sunglasses indoors? That’s like a douchebag double whammy!

RICK SPRINGFIELD
Of course I’m going to chew the scenery, but more to come across as utterly sinister about everything, even though our conversation will seem entirely straightforward and aboveground.

RACHEL MCADAMS
What were you treating the city manager for?

RICH SPRINGFIELD
Oh, this and that. Compulsive sexual behaviour, mostly.

RACHEL MCADAMS
I wouldn’t know anything about that! The crevice in that geode on your desk definitely isn’t making me think of a vagina either, who said it did?

COLIN FARRELL
Thanks for your help, Mr. Springfield.

RICK SPRINGFIELD
No problem at all, officeeeerrrrssss.

Sunburn

“Hey, anybody remember Zoot?”

RICH takes off his SUNGLASSES and ends up looking like a SUNBURNT BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH. RACHEL and COLIN get back to their CAR.

RACHEL MCADAMS
Look, I know this is another car scene, but no more grade school philosophising, okay?

COLIN FARRELL
I was actually going to explicitly lay out my backstory again. Maybe add in a jab at feminism while I’m at it.

RACHEL MCADAMS
If this was a first date, I’d be screaming for the check.

Meanwhile, TAYLOR KITSCH breaks up with ADRIA ARJONA because of his MOMMY ISSUES. Or maybe his CLOSET HOMOSEXUALITY. Or maybe his POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER. TAKE YOUR PICK.

INT. BAR

COLIN is meeting with VINCE in that DEPRESSING BAR AGAIN.

VINCE VAUGHN
I tracked down that hooker angle you gave me. Believe me, it wasn’t easy.

COLIN FARRELL
Did the city manager cover his tracks?

VINCE VAUGHN
No, it involved talking to a pimp who had teeth grills inscribed with “Fuck You.” Took everything I had to take him seriously.

COLIN FARRELL
Funny, it’s taking everything I have to take you seriously as well. Vince Vaughn.

VINCE VAUGHN
I found out that the city manager had another house where he liked to take girls. I want you to go there and check it out for anything related to my railway deal.

COLIN FARRELL
Ugh, I guess.

VINCE VAUGHN
I’d tell you not to fuck up, but I’ve already started putting some of my other guys on this, so I probably think you already did.

LERA LYNN
Here’s another bleak song, everyone.

INT. SEX BUNGALOW

COLIN works his way into THE CITY MANAGER’S HOUSE, which is SOUNDPROOFED.

COLIN FARRELL
Hmm, there’s a large pool of blood in the middle of the living room. I better keep my guard up. No wait, I’m a protagonist! I’ve got plot immunity!

He holsters his WEAPON. Just then, a MAN wearing a BIRD MASK appears. Let’s call him COLONEL CHESTBRIDGE.

COLONEL CHESTBRIDGE
I brought my sit-down gun!

COLONEL CHESTBRIDGE blows away COLIN with a SHOTGUN.

COLIN FARRELL
Fucking ow!

COLONEL CHESTBRIDGE
Got you!

COLIN FARRELL
No, wait! Just wait one second!
(pulls out smartphone)

COLONEL CHESTBRIDGE
What the fuck are you doing? I shot you, die already!

COLIN FARRELL
Just fucking hold on! Argh!
(browses to YouTube)

COLONEL CHESTBRIDGE
Oh for fuck’s sake.

Plot immunity.

“If I had chosen the fox mask, my shotgun would be a lot more effective.”

COLONEL CHESTBRIDGE stands over COLIN and fires a SECOND SHOT RIGHT INTO HIS CHEST.

COLONEL CHESTBRIDGE
There, that ought to do it.

COLIN FARRELL
Almost there, hang on!

COLONEL CHESTBRIDGE
WHY WON’T YOU DIE?

COLIN holds up his PHONE and shows COLONEL CHESTBRIDGE the SEASON TRAILER FOR TRUE DETECTIVE.

COLIN FARRELL
Hah! See? I’m in a lot of scenes we haven’t gotten to yet! Plot immunity, bitch!

COLONEL CHESTBRIDGE
Fuck, did I load my sit-down gun with rock salt by accident?

FADE OUT

TV Show: True Detective

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