True Detective: Maybe Tomorrow

truedetective_title

FADE IN:

INT. BAR

An ELVIS IMPERSONATOR is on stage CROONING A COVER OF AMANDA MCBROOM’S “THE ROSE.” COLIN FARRELL is there too.

COLIN FARRELL
What is this? No, seriously, what’s happening? Am I suddenly playing an America’s Got Talent judge?

FRED WARD
You’re dreaming, son.

COLIN FARRELL
It feels more like I’m nightmaring. Wait, are you my dad? Fred Ward is my dad? Awesome! I loved you in Tremors!

FRED WARD
Now I will describe a completely different dream of mine about you dying in a forest.

COLIN FARRELL
A dream within a dream, eh? Careful, Leonardo DiCaprio might walk in here any second now.

FRED WARD
In this dream you get killed by trees or something? It’s to illustrate that you’re soft, Colin. You lack grit.

COLIN FARRELL
Please, have you seen the first two episodes? If my acting gets any grittier, I’ll be mistaken for a cement mixer.

FRED WARD
Okay, I think this David Lynch homage has gone on long enough.

INT. SEX BUNGALOW

COLIN comes to in THE CITY MANAGER’S BUNGALOW.

COLIN FARRELL
I’m alive! Urgh, the last thing I remember is getting shot in a transparent attempt to shoehorn in a shocking cliffhanger.

RACHEL MCADAMS
Yeah well, we’re immediately defusing that, which will rob it of any impact. You were shot with rubber buckshot shells, so you only have a few cracked ribs. What were you doing here? I run this task force so you run everything by me first! Run? Run, run!

COLIN FARRELL
I was running down a tip from someone who is totally not Vince Vaughn. Anyways, I’m off to go brood somewhere, so why don’t you and Taylor Kitsch team up for a bit? Introduce your dynamic, you know.

TAYLOR KITSCH
Great, that’ll give me an opportunity to make fun of Rachel’s e-cigarette!

RACHEL MCADAMS
Fucking hell, what does Nic Pizzolatto have against vaping? Did an e-cigarette murder his parents in an alley or something?

INT. FERTILITY CLINIC

VINCE VAUGHN is looking RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA with a STRAINED EXPRESSION on his FACE. This probably means he’s getting a BLOWJOB.

In the business, we call this the "way-too-close-up."

In the business, we call this the “way-too-close-up.”

VINCE VAUGHN
Hope you all enjoyed Taylor Kitsch looking dramatic while willing himself a boner, because now I get to do that too! HNNNGRGH!

KELLY REILLY
Sweetums, what’s the matter? It’s like I’m flossing with a wet noodle down here.

VINCE VAUGHN
This is unnatural and degrading! I don’t even understand what’s going on! Have you seen Delivery Man? I fathered 533 children in that!

KELLY REILLY
I hope you’re not implying that I’m the problem here! Your limp dick is as wishy-washy as your dialogue!

VINCE VAUGHN
You mean you don’t like it when I describe my performance anxiety as someone holding a gun to my head while I take a dump?

KELLY REILLY
Oh my God, stop.
(leaves)

INT. BAR

Once again, COLIN is meeting with VINCE VAUGHN in that DEPRESSING BAR.

COLIN FARRELL
I was thinking, maybe it isn’t wise for me to always meet with you in the same location. Might end up looking bad, you know?

VINCE VAUGHN
Just tell me what you found in the city manager’s bungalow.

COLIN FARRELL
Ooph, where do I begin? There was a sex swing, bunch of animal masks on the wall, recording equipment set up. Oh yeah, and someone FUCKING SHOT ME!

VINCE VAUGHN
I sense there’s a certain stridency at work here.

COLIN FARRELL
Frankly, I’m apoplectic.

VINCE VAUGHN
Jeez, we’re like two thesauruses talking at each other.

INT. RITCHIE COSTER’S MANSION

RACHEL and TAYLOR roll up to MAYOR RITCHIE COSTER’S MANSION, where his WIFE, AGNES OLECH, answers the DOOR.

AGNES OLECH
I am ten different kinds of wasted.

TAYLOR KITSCH
We can tell, ma’am.

AGNES OLECH
Well hello, Mr. Handsome!

RACHEL MCADAMS
Don’t even bother going there. Mind if I take a look around?

AGNES OLECH
Go ahead, I’m too apathetic to put up a fight.

RACHEL wanders UPSTAIRS and runs into the MAYOR’S SON, VINICIUS MACHADO.

What's the situation?

“What’s the situation?”

VINICIUS MACHADO
Whatchoo doin’, steppin’ up in here? I’ll break yo knees!

RACHEL MCADAMS
You’re laying it on a bit thick, aren’t you, Jersey Shore?

VINICIUS MACHADO
Alright, you got me, this is a total act. It’s part of my persona as an organiser of special events. I probably mean like sex parties and whatnot.

TAYLOR KITSCH
Can you go back to your guido shtick? That made me feel less bad about my acting.

INT. POLICE CHIEF’S OFFICE

COLIN is in a meeting with POLICE CHIEF AFEMO OMILAMI and MAYOR RITCHIE COSTER.

RITCHIE COSTER
That CUNT strolls into my house and muscles my son? I want her gone! She’s a CUNT!

AFEMO OMILAMI
What the mayor is saying is that you’re supposed to keep Rachel on a tighter leash.

COLIN FARRELL
How can I do that when she’s lead investigator and I’m a burnt-out wreck running on borrowed time, which my sobering doctor’s visit earlier illustrated?

RITCHIE COSTER
CUUUUNT! CUNT CUNT CUNT!

COLIN FARRELL
Good job on continuing to be the most entertaining character by a wide margin.

INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE

RACHEL is talking to ASSISTANT ATTORNEY GENERAL MICHAEL HYATT.

RACHEL MCADAMS
We accessed the city manager’s safety deposit box and learned that he had his fingers in a lot of red herrings. Mostly land deals with a private development group known as Catalyst, which you’ll note we’ve been name-dropping for a while already.

MICHAEL HYATT
Yes yes, that’s all fine, but let’s focus on the real issue here: Colin Farrell. I want to burn him to the ground, so do you have anything on him yet?

RACHEL MCADAMS
Honestly, so far, he’s doing a good enough job burning himself to the ground.

MICHAEL HYATT
We want a solid case against him, so maybe you can get a little closer to him? You know, lay on some of that feminine charm, make him think you’re DTF. There might even be a promotion in it for you!
(beat)
By the way, this request is actually coming from a woman who’s confusingly named Michael, so it’s slightly less bad than it sounds.

When RACHEL gets back to her DESK, she runs into RILEY SMITH.

Heeeeeey pumpkin!

“Heeeeeey pumpkin! I missed your scowl!”

RILEY SMITH
Hey, Rachel, umm, I just wanted to, ahh, drop by, seeing as how you haven’t been, like, returning my many calls. Do you want to, maybe, go grab a bite? I mean, that is, if you’re not, erm, too busy or anything.

RACHEL MCADAMS
Looks like I’m going to have to spell it out for you. Riley, we’re through.

RILEY SMITH
But you initiated this! You’re — you’re a SLUT!

RACHEL MCADAMS
Is this you trying to act tough? To ME? Oh you sweet summer child. Get out of my sight before I knock all your teeth out. Also I have like three knives on me right now, so I suggest you cut and run before I start doing the first part.

RILEY SMITH
(choking back tears)
YOU’RE SUCH A BIG MEANIE!

RILEY attempts to STORM OFF IN A HUFF, but ends up looking like a PETULANT TODDLER.

INT. FRED WARD’S HOUSE

COLIN visits his FATHER.

COLIN FARRELL
Hey, dad, I brought you your regular load of grass. Oh, I see you’re watching the 1951 noir classic Detective Story starring Kirk Douglas as a hard-nosed detective? Subtle!

FRED WARD
Psh, back then men were actually men! They got shit done and didn’t pontificate about it! I don’t know why you whippersnappers think you can still make a difference.

COLIN FARRELL
I actually already had a dream in which you communicated pretty much that sentiment.

FRED WARD
Why don’t you stay a while? I’m going to watch No Country for Old Men next!

INT. RACE TRACK

TAYLOR KITSCH is watching a DIRTBIKE RACE with his OLD WAR BUDDY, GABRIEL LUNA.

GABRIEL LUNA
Hey, so that business with you and the actress who claims she blew you to stay out of jail, is any of that true?

TAYLOR KITSCH
Of course not, and not because I’m gay or anything! It’s because of my moral integrity and my dedication to the letter of the law!

GABRIEL LUNA
Oh, naturally. Hey, remember those three days we spent in that village?

TAYLOR KITSCH
What was that about the Village People?

GABRIEL LUNA
No no, I mean that Iraqi village we occupied when we were with Black Mountain, the security contractor. I think about that time a lot, you know.

TAYLOR KITSCH
My face is awash with discomfort.

GABRIEL LUNA
Sharing that foxhole with you, the bond forged by combat strengthened even further by that deepest of connections, the unspoken —

TAYLOR KITSCH
GAH STOP IT I DENY EVERYTHING!

TAYLOR throws GABRIEL to the GROUND and RUSHES OFF. DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL.

EXT. MOVIE SET

COLIN and RACHEL have chased down a LEAD to the SET OF SOME SHITTY MAD MAX RIPOFF. They speak with the DIRECTOR, PHILIP MOON.

I am a tool.

“I already hate this conversation.”

PHILIP MOON
What the fuck do you skidmarks want? Can’t you see I’m busy yelling at people and probably underpaying them?

RACHEL MCADAMS
The car that was used to drive around the city manager’s corpse is registered to this production.

PHILIP MOON
Yeah, so fucking what?

RACHEL MCADAMS
Did you know the city manager? He was closely involved with the finances of this film, because obviously there aren’t enough red herrings in this investigation as it is.

PHILIP MOON
Only from the decadent parties he organised. Guy was slinging wall-to-wall pussy and of course I partook.

COLIN FARRELL
Okay, what’s going on here? You and your ponytail look too much like first season director Cary Fukunaga for that to be a casting coincidence and you’re being a raging dickhead.

PHILIP MOON
What are you worthless pieces of shit getting at? My time is a precious fucking commodity here!

COLIN FARRELL
I don’t know, maybe people are cottoning on to the fact that True Detective’s first season struck such a chord more due to the combination of Fukunaga’s striking yet humble direction and the charismatic acting prowess of its two leads, and less due to the writing of Nic Pizzolatto. Now that Nic’s on his own, it seems he’s trying to assert himself with a cheap shot.

PHILIP MOON
GET THESE FUCKING FUCKS OFF MY FUCKING SET!
(rails a line of coke, punches his DP)

INT. CLUB BASEMENT

VINCE has gathered AN ASSORTMENT OF CRIMINALS in the BASEMENT of his CLUB. One of them is PEDRO MIGUEL ARCE, that PIMP WITH THE “FUCK YOU” TEETH GRILLS.

VINCE VAUGHN
Everybody, listen up! The city manager’s death is causing a lot of problems for me and now I’m making them your problems as well. You see, I’m wondering what prefigures my predicament in a causal sense.

PEDRO MIGUEL ARCE
Why you gotta overexplain everything, Vince? Seriously, it’s like you look up words in the dictionary and use the definitions as dialogue.

VINCE VAUGHN
You better step off, Pedro. I want you and the others to go out and pound the pavements.

PEDRO MIGUEL ARCE
Why don’t you go pound sand, Vince? You ain’t a criminal. I’ve seen that shitty Starsky & Hutch movie, you can’t fool me!

VINCE VAUGHN
I guess I’ll have to reestablish my stature and also prove my manhood by pounding on you then!

PEDRO MIGUEL ARCE
Oh you wanna go? You wanna fucking go, klaxon?
(beat)
This isn’t pre-battle trash talk, I’m actually wondering whether you want to do this Fight Club knockoff.

VINCE VAUGHN
Well, I talked about smashing that rat to death when I was locked in the basement as a kid, and now you’re coming at me in a basement, so I guess we have to. I didn’t lay down all that foreshadowing for nothing.

VINCE proceeds to KICK PEDRO’S ASS and then decides to YANK OUT HIS TEETH GRILLS.

TRUE DETECTIVE: Maybe Tomorrow

“Yeah sorry, Rachel did some foreshadowing about teeth.”

EXT. RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBOURHOOD

No thanks to PHILIP MOON, COLIN and RACHEL have tracked down the KILLER’S CAR. They arrive just as it’s being TORCHED by a GUY wearing a WHITE KAONASHI MASK.

RACHEL MCADAMS
Colin, that’s our fucking guy! He’s hopping a fence! After him!

COLIN FARRELL
Shit, and I can’t do any proper physical stuff because of my injuries! This emasculation theme is firing on all cylinders here!

RACHEL MCADAMS
Then I’ll take the lead, just like in the task force!

COLIN FARRELL
Talk about RUNNING the investigation, am I right?

RACHEL MCADAMS
Hey-oooooo!

RACHEL chases down the MASKED GUY, but he GETS AWAY.

INT. VINCE VAUGHN’S HOUSE

VINCE returns HOME, where KELLY REILLY is waiting for him.

KELLY REILLY
Honey? Want to talk about what happened at the clinic?

VINCE VAUGHN
(silent)

KELLY REILLY
Sweetheart? Is everything alright? You seem kind of fired up. Did you resort to excessive violence when someone challenged you?

VINCE VAUGHN
(silent)

KELLY REILLY
Soooo maybe this is that violence-begets-sex cliché where you’ve suddenly recovered your mojo because you beat some guy to a bloody pulp?

VINCE VAUGHN
(silent)

KELLY REILLY
No? Nothing?

FADE OUT

TV Show: True Detective

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