True Detective: Down Will Come

truedetective_title

FADE IN:

INT. VINCE VAUGHN’S HOUSE

VINCE VAUGHN and KELLY REILLY are talking to their GARDENER about the DEAD AVOCADO TREES in their YARD.

VINCE VAUGHN
What’s the problem, why won’t they grow?

GARDENER
I’m sorry, sir. The ground is too barren here.

VINCE VAUGHN
Barren? Oh Christ, this is another metaphor for how Kelly and I can’t conceive, isn’t it?

KELLY REILLY
Vince, maybe we can try something else? Anything to keep from having to do more fertility clinic scenes. What about adoption?

VINCE VAUGHN
Nah, fuck that. I don’t want to take on anybody else’s sins.

KELLY REILLY
How foolish of me to think you wouldn’t have some asinine philosophy about adoption all ready to go.

VINCE VAUGHN
I have to go to work. What’s on my schedule today?

KELLY REILLY
Mostly reestablishing your criminal ties. You have meetings with a Mexican drug dealer and an upscale confectionary baker who’s actually also a drug dealer. Oh, and my dipshit ex-boyfriend is in town to ultimately not invest in your club.

VINCE VAUGHN
You know, I feel like someone engaged the warp drive and I’m just navigating through the blur.

KELLY REILLY
(beat)
Really?

INT. GABRIEL LUNA’S PLACE

TAYLOR KITSCH wakes up in an UNFAMILIAR BED and realises he SPENT THE NIGHT WITH GABRIEL LUNA.

GABRIEL LUNA
Good morning, sunshine! Want some tasty waffles? I taped the game, perhaps we can snuggle up on the couch and watch it together?
(drapes himself over Taylor)

TAYLOR KITSCH
Ack! Sorry, dude, but I’m going to have to get really fucking grim to compensate for slipping up like that.

GABRIEL LUNA
Aw man, really? I think people are tired of you trying to stare down the camera. Just relax, you’ll feel better.

TAYLOR KITSCH
NO I MUST LEAVE NOW IN A MANLY FASHION!

When TAYLOR returns to the CLUB where he ran into GABRIEL, he notices that his MOTORCYCLE has been STOLEN.

TAYLOR KITSCH
Not my motorcycle! My symbol of macho heterosexuality!

He tries to CHANNEL RAGE, but ends up looking like he DROPPED HIS ICE CREAM.

FFFFFFUUUUUU

“FFFFFFUUUUUU–“

INT. IMPOUND LOT

COLIN FARRELL and RACHEL MCADAMS are discussing the TORCHED CAR.

COLIN FARRELL
Well, there goes that lead. What a setback.

RACHEL MCADAMS
Considering the amount of leads that has been piled on so far, I see this as progress, actually.

COLIN FARRELL
I know one of the remaining leads involves Mayor Ritchie Coster, but be careful when following up on that, okay? He can make your life a living hell. His family has been running Vinci for a century, which is why he lives in the biggest house in Bel-Air.

RACHEL MCADAMS
Really? So you might say that he’s — a prince?

COLIN FARRELL
Rachel, don’t.

RACHEL MCADAMS
No no, I mean, does he usually pull up to his house about seven or eight? You know, to look at his kingdom, he’s finally there, to sit on his throne as the prince of Bel-Air?

COLIN FARRELL
Great, thanks, now that’ll be stuck in my head for fucking ages.

RACHEL MCADAMS
Why don’t you go ahead and pick up Taylor before he grims himself to death? You can establish the dynamic between you two and close this triangle of true detectives.

COLIN goes to pick up TAYLOR.

COLIN FARRELL
Hey man, I’m thinking I’ll play the aloof-yet-caring-mentor in our dynamic, that cool? I’ll rub on some earthy wisdoms and wisecracks, maybe even let you tuck into the pharmacy-slash-liquor-store I keep in my glove compartment.

TAYLOR KITSCH
(takes a grim chug of grim whiskey)
Man, everything’s fucked. Fucking fuck fucker.

COLIN FARRELL
Ease up, Taylor. You keep coming off as constipated when you do that.

TAYLOR KITSCH
I guess that’s one way of calling my acting shit.

INT. HOOKAH BAR

COLIN has joined RACHEL for a TAIL on EMILY RIOS, who is THE MAYOR’S DAUGHTER.

COLIN FARRELL
Sooo, were you listening at all when I told you to be careful when following up on the mayor? Did any of that register?

RACHEL MCADAMS
Do I look like I’m going to let a man dictate my actions? When did my acting ever communicate that?

They follow EMILY inside a HOOKAH BAR.

RACHEL MCADAMS
Emily, mind if we ask you some questions?

EMILY RIOS
I just took a big hit from this hookah, which lowered my inhibitions, so go right ahead!

"Got any chips or cookies or crap on you?"

“Got any chips or cookies or crap on you?”

RACHEL MCADAMS
Excellent. Did you or your brother know the city manager?

EMILY RIOS
I knew him a little, but I don’t think Vinicius did.

COLIN FARRELL
Really? You know, Vinicius Machado was boasting about organising depraved sex parties, the kind that was gleefully attended by the city manager.

EMILY RIOS
Look, bottom line, my father is a scumbag asshole, which I think should be abundantly clear.

RACHEL MCADAMS
What about your mother? I’m assuming the perpetually wasted Russian chick at your house is not her.

EMILY RIOS
No, my mom hanged herself in the clinic where she was being treated for schizophrenia. Then again, I suppose I’d hang myself too if Rick Springfield were my doctor.

RACHEL MCADAMS
Ah, Rick Springfield knew the mayor? That at least tightens up this tapestry of leads a bit. Thanks!

INT. DINER

TAYLOR is meeting with ADRIA ARJONA.

TAYLOR KITSCH
Adria, I don’t blame you for what happened. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching as of late, and I think you realised before I did that my troubles in our relationship stem from the fact that I am in denial about —

ADRIA ARJONA
I’m pregnant.

TAYLOR KITSCH
(beat)
OH MY GOD THAT’S AMAZING! LET’S GET MARRIED!

ADRIA ARJONA
What? Are you fucking kidding me?

TAYLOR KITSCH
Adria, will you do me the honour of being my beard? I mean, my wife?

ADRIA ARJONA
(sighs)
I guess.

TAYLOR KITSCH
Whew, all is right with the world again. Hah, isn’t it ironic that I managed to knock you up while you were on the pill when Vince has tried and failed at everything under the sun to conceive?

VINCE VAUGHN
(applauds)
I’m so fucking happy for you, buddy.

INT. PANTICAPAEUM RETREAT FOR THE GULLIBLE

COLIN and RACHEL are talking to DAVID MORSE.

"Have you hugged a tree today?"

“Have you hugged a tree today?”

RACHEL MCADAMS
Dad, we’re here to discuss our case, so please don’t use this as an opportunity to throw more shade my way, okay?

DAVID MORSE
Alright. The city manager used to hang out with Rick Springfield and Ritchie Coster’s father in my commune as well as others, which isn’t as peculiar a coincidence as the fact that MY DAUGHTER BECAME A SHERIFF!

RACHEL MCADAMS
Daa-haad!

DAVID MORSE
Sorry, I just can’t help myself. Let me shift my attention to Colin, who has one of the biggest AURAS I have ever seen! It’s GREEN! And BLACK! OH MY GOD, THE COLOURS!

COLIN FARRELL
(to Rachel)
Can we go now? Please?

INT. ALEX FERNANDEZ’ OFFICE

When RACHEL returns to the STATION, she’s called into ALEX FERNANDEZ’ OFFICE.

ALEX FERNANDEZ
Rachel, it appears a sexual harassment complaint has been lodged against you.

RACHEL MCADAMS
Who was it? What dickless excuse for a man felt he had to run to the law like a little bitch tugging at his mommy’s skirt? I mean, sexual harassment? MOI?

ALEX FERNANDEZ
The complaint came from Riley Smith, who claims you coerced him into a relationship with you. He says, and I quote, you’re “such a big meanie.”

RACHEL MCADAMS
That wormy piece of shit! I’d launch into a considered argument about gender politics in the office if I wasn’t so incandescent with rage right now!

ALEX FERNANDEZ
You won’t be pulled off the task force, but you can’t enter this office pending the investigation.

RACHEL MCADAMS
Great, I’ll just work out of that cardboard box in the alley then?

INT. POLICE OFFICE

RACHEL joins COLIN and TAYLOR for a BRIEFING.

TAYLOR KITSCH
Okay, I got really bored with all the existing leads in the case, so I came up with an entirely new one! Turns out some of the city manager’s possessions were pawned off by a Mexican smalltimer known as Cesar Garcia.

W. EARL BROWN
Right, that’s it! The city manager was killed by a beaner! Case closed! Good job, everyone! What political conspiracy?

RACHEL MCADAMS
This is only the fourth of eight episodes; nobody’s buying that.

COLIN FARRELL
Excuse me while I go take this straight to Vince.

INT. BAR

COLIN meets with VINCE in the BAR, which seems to have gotten EVEN MORE DEPRESSING.

COLIN FARRELL
We fingered a Mexican smalltimer as the possible killer. Go ahead and chase him down on your own if you want, derail this entire investigation, whatever.

VINCE VAUGHN
You know, I’m getting back into my career criminal shtick. I could use a guy like you as, say, an enforcer? Shake down people for money, that kind of thing. It’ll pay well.

COLIN FARRELL
Do I get dental?

VINCE VAUGHN
(finger guns)
Ayyyy.

COLIN FARRELL
(finger guns)
Ayyyy.

EXT. WAREHOUSE

COLIN, RACHEL, TAYLOR and a bunch of EXPENDABLE COPS are getting ready for a RAID on CESAR GARCIA’S PLACE.

TRUE DETECTIVE: Down Will Come

“Don’t worry. Unless you didn’t get first billing. Then worry.”

COLIN FARRELL
Hey Rachel, I’m worried about something you said earlier.

RACHEL MCADAMS
What?

COLIN FARRELL
You mentioned that this is the fourth episode. In the first season, that episode had the intense six-minute tracking shot that everyone talked about for fucking ages afterwards.

RACHEL MCADAMS
Yeah? So?

COLIN FARRELL
What if this season is planning to top that?

A GUNMAN appears from a WINDOW and starts SHOOTING AT EVERYONE. This KILLS W. EARL BROWN in an admittedly HILARIOUS FASHION.

RACHEL MCADAMS
OH SHIT! THIS IS GONNA GET BAD!

TAYLOR KITSCH
Ah, a warzone! My time to shine!

When they RETURN FIRE, the TOP FLOOR of the WAREHOUSE suddenly BLOWS THE FUCK UP.

COLIN FARRELL
What the fuck was that? Does this gunfight follow Michael Bay logic? Nobody shoot at a car, okay?

TAYLOR KITSCH
Maybe Heisenberg was making a point with mercury fulminate up there?

RACHEL MCADAMS
Heads up, they’re speeding off down that alley!

The BAD GUYS drive away, but then CRASH into a CITY BUS near a PROTEST MARCH. They get out and INDISCRIMINATELY START KILLING EVERYONE.

RACHEL MCADAMS
Fuck, why did this season have to focus on the U.S. transportation system so hard?

They engage in an EPIC FIREFIGHT while MICHAEL MANN FURIOUSLY MASTURBATES IN THE CORNER. When it ends, only CESAR GARCIA is left standing. He grabs a HOSTAGE.

CESAR GARCIA
Hah, I have a gun to the head of the single innocent bystander who hasn’t already been brutally killed in this senseless act of violence! Back off or he’ll join the others!
(beat)
Oh fuck it, might as well go all the way.

CESAR kills the HOSTAGE and is then GUNNED DOWN by COLIN and TAYLOR.

COLIN FARRELL
Whew, thank God for plot immunity.

RACHEL MCADAMS
Aw man, I didn’t get to knife anybody.

TAYLOR KITSCH
Maybe we should check on the bystanders instead of just standing around and contemplating the horror of what just happened? Maybe we can still stabilise some of these people before they bleed out.

Nope, they just KEEP STANDING AROUND.

FADE OUT

TV Show: True Detective

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