Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) (part 11 of 11)

We find out that the reason for the guys skydiving out of the building was so that they could drop their parachutes over the eye of Shockwave, because apparently the snipers missed. The snipers who began firing after the jump. So I’m not sure why they were jumping out of the building.

Anyhow, Shockwave gets killed, and we go to Sentinel Prime, still gloating, and watching as Cybertron begins to come into view.

I have two problems with this. First off, this is, as mentioned, a pretty blatant rip-off of what Rassilon did with Gallifrey in the Doctor Who story, “The End of Time”. In that case he was bringing Gallifrey, a planet easily two or three times the mass of Earth, into Earth’s orbit. Sentinel is doing the same with Cybertron.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) (part 11 of 11)
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) (part 11 of 11)
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The second problem here is: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! The gravitational pull would start destroying both planets very quickly. Yes, Cybertron doesn’t look like it’s very solid, so it probably has a lower mass than Earth, but still! There is no way this plan is even remotely beneficial to either planet, and it’s a really stupid plot idea no matter what franchise is doing it.

While all this has been going on, the Wreckers apparently managed to get Optimus free, because he turns up and starts killing Decepticons left and right. Then he shoots and knocks down what I think is the main pillar, thus stopping the arrival of Cybertron and leaving what looks like one-third of it up in space.

Caption contributed by The Wily Badger

Don’t worry, we can send Bruce Willis up to destroy it.

Sentinel drops off the building and the big climactic fight begins between him and Optimus. Meantime, cruise missiles are still heading toward Chicago, and the Decepticons don’t seem to notice. Also, the humans arrive and start shooting at Sentinel and Michael Bay manages to find a way to make this even more like a video game.

Caption contributed by The Wily Badger

A screencap from the next Duke Nukem game, coming in 2012! Er… 2013. 2014. 2019?

The cruise missiles hit the various Decepticon ships, making me wonder why they weren’t fired long ago. Then we get one of the stranger shots in the movie: an extended shot of Carly standing out in the open staring forward open-mouthed while things explode. From the look on her face, it’s possible Bay whipped it out while filming her.

Caption contributed by The Wily Badger

This shot goes on for nine whole seconds.

Back at the damaged pillar, Sam and Dylan begin a fistfight, because that’s what you want in a movie about giant robots; two humans beating the crap out of each other. As they do this, Carly finds Megatron and reminds him that there’s probably only room at the top for one, and that one would likely be Sentinel. This bit of dime store psychology pays off, but at a tragic cost, for Megatron does go off to stop Sentinel, but kills Carly first. Actually, I lie again. He goes to kill Sentinel but leaves her alive for some reason. Maybe even he wants to fuck her.

In that scene, Carly described Megatron as “Sentinel’s bitch,” which seems about right. In the previous movie he was the Fallen’s bitch. In the first movie, he was out of action for most of the film. Really, throughout this series, Megatron has been one of the most constantly useless, pathetic characters on screen. He’s supposed be this giant menace, but instead he’s, well, just a bitch.

The various fights continue, and Sentinel winds up slicing off one of Optimus’ arms before pinning him to the ground. He says, I kid you not, “There can be only one,” and then as he’s about to waste Optimus, Megatron turns up and starts shooting at him.

Caption contributed by The Wily Badger

From bitch to butch.

Dylan and Sam continue to fight, and Sam wins, of course. Bumblebee then destroys the pillar, which causes everything to backfire, sucking Cybertron back into the vortex for some reason.

Caption contributed by The Wily Badger

Swirly thing alert!

Over at the bridge, Megatron has beaten five kinds of crap out of Sentinel, and then offers a truce to Optimus who, being the hero, kills him. He then shoots Sentinel in the head, as Sentinel is on his knees begging for mercy. I think that it’s possible that in addition to not fully understanding what robots are, Michael Bay might not fully understand the concept of a hero.

So, that done, everyone reunites, Sam and Carly kiss, Optimus makes a glorious speech, and then, after a brief shot of Simmons kissing Mearing and her having him arrested, our journey is over. Two hours, thirty-four minutes and twelve seconds. Jesus. H. Christ.

There are so many reasons this movie is bad. It’s badly written, badly acted, badly directed. It has massive shifts in tone, huge gaps in logic, even internal logic, the comedy generally doesn’t work, the robot designs on the Decepticons are terrible, their plan to bring Cybertron to Earth is stupid, there’s no reason given by Sentinel as to how the space bridge would have ended the war, the NASA stuff is insulting, there’s way too many human characters who do nothing, Megatron is nothing and Michael Bay appears to have learned absolutely no lessons from the previous movie, aside from not having Skids and Mudflap.

As with the previous film, there are many things that could have been changed to make this a better movie. One of those things is cutting down the run time. That last set of battles lasted nearly an hour. That could have been trimmed down to 30 minutes easy. If you added that to the 15 minutes and 54 seconds I would have edited out earlier, this movie could have lost about 46 minutes of runtime, bringing it in at about 1 hour and 50 minutes or so. That’s not bad. That’s not bad at all. That’s a reasonable length for a movie.

Rumors have begun circulating in the last few weeks about the possibility of another movie or two in the series, possibly with Jason Statham, who has apparently said something along the lines of “Oh, fucking god, no,” because even a man who would work with Uwe Boll must have some limits.

I wouldn’t mind another movie or two, but Michael Bay needs to be kept far, far away. It’s entirely possible to continue with this same continuity, but just change a few things. Bring in Unicron, as I suggested before. Merge Megatron and Sentinel into Galvatron. Bring in the Quintesons, as they could be really interesting. Do something, anything. But start by keeping Michael Bay as far, far away as possible.

And that’s that. Another movie endured.

Multi-Part Article: Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)

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