Top Three Movies That Won’t Have A Criterion Collection 25th Anniversary Edition Issued This Year

i'm not a bimbo!

1. Vibes (1988)

This movie had everything going for it: an experienced comedic screenwriting team, a cast of charismatic and talented actors, and exotic locations. And yet there’s something missing. We know that Cyndi Lauper, looking young and adorable, will end up in the arms of Jeff Goldblum, looking young and… tall, 15 minutes into the movie, because we have all seen movies before. So why does it take so long? Why are there so many people getting killed in what is supposed to be a comedy? And why did Peter Falk choose to do this movie, coming off classics Wings of Desire and The Princess Bride?

Not Getting the Criterion Treatment Because:

Mere presence of Steve Buscemi in bit part does not qualify this movie as an “indy” film.

Criterion Collection 25th Anniversary Special Features that will never be:

  • Round-table discussion with Cahiers du Cinema critics Robert Bresson, Jean-Luc Godard, and screenwriters Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel
  • Audio commentary featuring Jeff Goldblum praising the performance of Jeff Goldblum

2. Hot to Trot (1988)

Moderately diverting talking-horse movie with John Candy as the voice of the horse and Bobcat Goldthwait as his stockbroker friend. Cameo appearances by alleged funny people Mary Gross, Tim Kazurinsky, and Gilbert Gottfried. “It’s like a cross between Splash and Trading Places” someone must have said in a pitch meeting, somewhere. Helped along by a Danny Elfman score, a witty performance by John Candy and some funny bits, the movie moves at a decent pace.

Not Getting the Criterion Treatment Because:

Elite film-snob prejudice against talking-horse movies

Criterion Collection 25th Anniversary Special Features that will never be:

  • Mr. Ed, Francis the Talking Mule, and Don the Horse – a symposium with Pauline Kael
  • 20 minutes of rare on-set footage featuring the guy who put peanut butter on the horse’s gums to get the talking effect

3. Casual Sex? (1988)

Marty McFly’s nympho mom goes to a health spa with the blonde ukulele-playing twit from old SNL reruns. While there, they run into Andrew “Dice” Clay and Tom Cruise’s burger tycoon friend from Born on the Fourth of July (Hey Ronnie, ya gotta look out for numbah one, Ronnie). Not enough hijinx ensue as they listen to Buster Poindexter over and over on the soundtrack. Alleged funny person Mary Gross has a cameo appearance. Victoria Jackson’s nude buttocks have a cameo appearance too.

Not Getting the Criterion Treatment Because:

  • Liberal media conspiracy against Republican patriot Victoria Jackson
  • The movie kinda sucks.

Criterion Collection 25th Anniversary Special Features that will never be:

  • 15-page booklet featuring essays by Peter Bogdanovich and Andrew Sarris
  • The Cinema of Andrew “Dice” Clay featurette

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  • msanthropesmr

    The late eighties were a bad time.

  • Estproph

    But when is the Criterion Collection of Breakin II – Electric Boogaloo coming out?

  • Chow Yun Flat

    One movie that needs a Criterion Collection 25th Anniversary special edition next year is “Let It Ride”, if only for Mary Woronov’s cameo and Cynthia Nixon in two scenes.

  • But what about Howard the Duck? That movie was way before its time.

    • msanthropesmr

      That movie never had a “time”, never will have a “time”, and all of the extant copies should be set alight, the ashes should be ground into dust and shot into the sun.

      • Oh c’mon… This is the movie that cemented Tim Robbins as a serious actor!

  • ThreeOranges

    Mary Gross’ best performance was, of course, in Feds.Although her smaller role in Club Paradise was also a treat.

  • WHAT’S BOBCAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pu8KFlfzk3Y~

  • kindness

    Any movie titles Casual Sex starring Victoria Jackson did not have the foresight to know what a basket case Victoria Jackson would be in 2013. Someone would have to stick up a big drug store and take all their viagra to even think it might be a good idea to see Victoria Jackson in action.Ewww, gross. That is so sick it’s demented kinky….and not in the good way.