Top Chef Recap: Shrimping Is Not Just A Sex Act Anymore

It is time once again for a Top Chef recap of Season Eleven Episode Four, because of how it is “Thursday,” and that is how we do. Just stone cold Top Chef recappin’, all Thursday long, with the recaps, and the Top Chef. So what was awesome about Top Chef last night? That it was not boring, unlike last week’s, which was the pits. Also, we were high. That helped a lot! But also, it was not boring and did not include Tom Colicchio’s Resting Bitchface about a Sloppy Plate. Instead, Tom Colicchio had Resting Bitchface about some broken rice. As you do.

Let us begin.

Oh, look who gets the call home now. It is Nick, who apparently exists! He seems young to be a put-upon dad type overwhelmed by his family responsibilities and his family thinking he’s a terrible loser. That is a lot for one young man to have on his plate! Sorry you are going home now, Nick! Because of the fambly phone call … OF DEATH.

Nina thinks Emeril Lagasse has a secret room in the Top Chef house. You know he does and that place is so pimp. Right now, you can see his nips on his moobs through his pink polo shirt, and he’s still a fucking stud, that is how awesome Emeril Lagasse is, no joke. You know he would be Big Fun in bed. (Bam cetera.)

Top Chef Recap: Shrimping Is Not Just A Sex Act Anymore

Emeril is all like “ayo, here is our guest there is no Quickfire I am just gonna stand here sounding like a New Jersey mobster for a while ayo.” The guest is Eddie Huang, host of Fresh Off Boat and chef at Baohaus. They are gonna be making Vietnamese food, y’all, and some of the chefs have never even had Vietnamese food and they are scared! But you know who has definitely had Vietnamese food? Travis, the Asian-fetishizing guy who ONLY LOVES ASIAN MEN, somewhat interchangeably. (That’s racist.) Also, he does not seem to particularly care for Eddie being Mr. Asian Expert when in fact it is TRAVIS who is Mr. Asian Expert, because of how he likes to do sex with Asian men’s bottoms or possibly the other way around, we do not know since unaccountably Travis has actually left this to the imagination.

Oh, Travis the Asian fetishist is bragging. Breathe easy Nick! Travis will be going home instead! Vietnamese is his FOOD. He is gonna SCHOOL the dude what owns the Asian restaurant and has the show about Asian foodstuffs. Whatever would we do without such an expert among us?

Carlos has never eaten Vietnamese, how will he make a menu oh no! Time to win, Carlos, and also please kick off Travis. That is the rule of Top Chef, right? The winner chooses who goes home? Okay, good.

Now they are in a weird party bus to go have a Vietnamese feast all day. Once again, the women make up a whole team, and once again they will be killin’ it, hear them roar. (Or at least “hear them plan their menu well ahead of time, because they are capable and efficient and also know some shit about Vietnamese food.”)

Nina thinks Michael is “faker than Pamela Anderson’s breasts.” Well, I do like a girl who says what she thinks! She got that all just from him being all, “look at me Emeril, I am from here and am familiar with this bakery, did you notice me and that I am from here? We are best friends forever now, okay!”

Uh oh, Sara who looks like she is from Project Runway is cold giving side-eye to Travis the Asian Fetishist for thinking he could use Romaine in Vietname food. Somebody is going to get showed up tonight. Who will it be? Will it be Travis the Asian Fetishist? (Yes.)

Oh, here is some gross footage of how shrimps come out of dirty old boats.

shrimping: not just a sex act!

Now we have seen some stuff and we are back on the party bus, and MAN, Travis is rubbing Sara the wrong way. Everything he says, she flares her nostrils and just barely stops herself from rolling her eyes. She is not warm to him, no, but she is exhibiting self-control. Good for her, I wonder if it will last. (It will sort of last?)

Uh oh ok. Janine the Playboy-model looking contestant from Perth is concerned about Travis the Asian Fetishist’s idea for a tomato-based sauce. Like Janine, I have never had a tomato-based sauce in a Vietnamese dish. But then she is all, “weeellll, I will just cede complete control of our team to Travis and Sara, what could go wrong.” She then stares worriedly into the distance.

Carlos is about to stroke out with anxiety.

Sara has had enough of Travis the Asian Fetishist’s shit. “If he’s gonna be Captain Vietnam, he better bring it,” she sneers, to the camera, but not to him. She stares evilly. Huh, I am starting to like Evil Sara!

Oh shit, shopping! Sara is large and in charge dude, and she is bossin’ everyone, in a very matter of fact way. “Nope nope nope, this, not that, let me check your work,” she is schoolmarmin’ and she is rockin it.

No-talent Michael isn’t doing a plate, he is taking one for the team and doing prepwork only, because of how he has no talent and is a phony.

OK, three interesting things just got tied up together. (In related news, I was high.) The lemongrass is missing, oh no! And it was SARA who made them take it out of their cart! WHUT SARA WHUT.

Then Justin was like I HAVE SO MUCH LEMONGRASS but they did not ask him so he did not offer. Can we agree that that is a fair level of helpfulness? Like, it is most interesting when the chefs help out their opponents because they want to win for BEING THE BEST, and it is the suck when they actively are evil, but there is nothing wrong with not volunteering? We think that is fair.

Wait, Sara is mad at TRAVIS for saying she left the lemongrass, when directly asked? No, you have crossed over to the bad boss who blames her underlings for her fuckup, NOT OKAY.

And Justin with another level of fairness: he is not going to volunteer to the other team that they should not sauce the deep-fried food, IDJITS. But he does not call them IDJITS, because that is ableist, and he is nice.

Taste taste taste I forget what just happened, because I am high and also some girls from Moscow just came for some AirBnB, and my friend Paul just mansplained at them SO BAD about how they had to take the 1 to San Francisco (which they should, it is the best, but also they do not WANT to drive an extra five hours, and they are not really very good at driving, and Paul is not listening to them at all, or taking into account their wants and needs, he is just bullying them and bulldozing them, and I have to take some time to YELL AT HIM to STOP MANSPLAINING THE NICE RUSSIAN GIRLS, JESUS PAUL). So I’m not really sure what happened in this part, except that the girls team killed it and everyone else did not. Also, the nice Moscow girls have decided they are taking the 1 after all, which they will enjoy, because Paul is the worst.

“Can we talk about this atrocious rice?” Padma asks. “It feels like they oiled the water!” Oooh, Padma, let’s! Because unlike on “Chopped,” you were not OFFENDED and OUTRAGED by the RICE. Instead you just wrinkled your pretty little nose at it, which we think is a fair level of butthurt to have over RICE.

Oooh, Sara, your ground meat is bland. YOU SAID YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING BUT YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING. Why do you lie?

Some things happened. Sara’s team fucked it. Shirley’s team killed it from awesomeness, they are obvs the winners. (Along with Justin, who, again, was not unethical.) Shirley wins, which is good, because she just had a major coke-grind-jaw-tensing at the prospect of Not Winning, and it was clearly Important to her, because “Asian stereotype about competitive drive and parents and whatnot goes here.”

Oooh, Sara your team is Loses. Sara walks in like a dyke on a byke. She is straight up pimp-rollin’, aggressive like, for like four seconds, and then the aggressiveness is drowned in a sea of Sara’s tears, as Sara weeps to the judges, really weeps, “We got to cook our food, our cuisine, we were so excited.”
“How does this ‘we’re so excited’ end up with a tomato-based italian dish that tastes like minestrone?” some judge asks or whatever, or something like that. “I’ve had that in central Vietnam [a number that we did not write down] times,” lies Travis. “YEAH WELL THEY HAVE McDONALD’S THERE TOO, BAM!” snap the judges, and oh lord, somebody get a fire extinguisher because Travis YA BURNT.

green team losers

Janine the hot one twice-fried her shrimp. This is bad. Shrimp should be “bouncy,” say the judges, which just reminds us of Dirty Pillows. No, we don’t know why either.

Eddie Huang calls their dessert “janky ratchet Asian dessert,” and wow Eddie Huang. Travis the Asian Fetishist was right. You really are a douchebag. In addition, you are a walking human-shaped pile of nonracial transcendence!

Padma’s high as fuck. She is slurring Palin-styley.

“There is a roob fill of rice eaters!!!1! I’s suprise none of them threw it back a’ thum.” And then she is basically all like WAAAASSSAAAAPPPP.

Sara grabs all their hands and closes her eyes to pray … that it is someone whose hand she is holding goes home instead of her. Over you Sara. Bleh.

Janine goes home for not knowing how to cook shrimp, because the producers are waiting until next week to send home whoever it is who calls their babies we guess.

TV Show: Top Chef

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  • Homestar

    “Sara who looks like she is from Project Runway” Yes! Travis was worse than Sara, but not by a lot. I mean, lettuce is not unheard of in Vietnamese food. My favorite was when the losing team walked out (before the loser was picked) and they were hugging and Padma said something like “Yeah, it’s all hugs now…” I think she might have been drunk because it was awesome.

    • rebecca

      She was high as fuck dude.

      • Homestar

        This post was deleted.

  • Jason M

    I watch the show now only as a requisite to understanding Rebecca’s recap. I’ll miss the Australian chick and her not-quite Daisy Duke shorts. And that smarmy prick Travis said he had that shitty Italian shrimp THREE TIMES in Central Vietnam. So.