Thought Catalog Guy Is Very Sad He No Longer Has Hot Young Piece On The Side

Thought Catalog Guy Is Very Sad He No Longer Has Hot Young Piece On The Side

We went wandering over to Jezebel and saw that they hadn’t published a Crap Letter from a Dude in the longest time, which is a tragedy because now WE have to write about this Thought Catalog guy who wrote a love/advice letter to the young lady he left his wife for. Is it ridic? Aww yeah. Is it absurdly and unwarrantedly maudlin? Hell to the yeah. Is it self serving as fuck? Yeaaaaahhhhhh boyyyyyyy. Let’s do this.

Step one: make sure you justify your wandering dick by declaring that your marriage was basically done.

Yes, my marriage had been all but over for four years, and we were simply limping along for the sake of our children. But cheating had not been an option.

You noble bastard! How could you carry all that weight? It was only a matter of time before your lonely self, the self you compared to Don Draper because you have no imagination whatsoever, needed the sweet and tender embrace of a younger lady. And once that happened, suddenly you were super down with the quickie divorce.

Things moved quickly after we returned home. It was barely more than a week when I told my wife I wanted a divorce. I couldn’t be a cheater, and you couldn’t be a mistress. We knew what we wanted and we wanted each other.

You sound like you make really good thoughtful choices, dude! But hey, credit where credit is due. The child you took up with doesn’t sound like much of a prize either.

When you lashed out at me for no reason, called me bipolar and hurt me with your biting words, repeating over and over, “This is why I don’t want a boyfriend!” I stayed.

Pro-tip: if someone tells you they don’t want a boyfriend, oblige them. Also too pro-tip: we are not super word-policing here at Happy, but calling someone bipolar is some bullshit. [Editrix’s note: Disagree! Crap dude is probs bipolar as fuck! Call ’em like you see ’em!]

Sadly for us all, this affair for the ages, this February-May romance, was destined to fail because she dumped him after taking up with the neighbor and all her ex-boyfriends. You can almost HEAR the author whispering “slut slut slut” underneath his breath. But never fear, young lady. Boss man still loves you and wishes you only the best, and has penned his most thoughtful thoughts for you all over Thought Catalog.

Continue to work hard. You got to where you are today because you refused to stop. The sky’s the limit for you and I know you’ll go far.

Urmmm. What did she get besides sleeping with you, which does not seem like the top of the heap, prize-wise?

Continue to make your bed. I know you did it for me, but it truly made your day better. But remember too, that it doesn’t matter if you leave your bed unmade and your clothes all over the floor. You’re fantastic the way you are and those who love you don’t really care.

Lolwhut? This is your last missive to your lady love, and you wasted one of the points on remembering to make your bed? Is this a metaphor? Is this some thing that thirtysomething dudes read in one of those self-improvement books? Are you actually her dad?

Don’t let society define what life should look like. Our relationships, marriage and lives don’t need to meet a particular stereotype to be a life filled with love, happiness and success.

Translation: please please please consider taking me back even though I am old and annoying and you are hot and young because that will totally defy cultural expectations pleeeeeaaaassssseeee.

After his Helpful Tips for Living Without Me, dude goes for the big big finish. Lady, he just can’t stroke it without dreaming of you.

I hope to once again wake up and not look for you next to me. I hope to be able to masturbate again without stopping because I can only see your body and your face.

Oh, thoughtless millennial. Why won’t you lend this dude a helping hand?

[Thought Catalog]

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  • Homestar

    Blame It On Rio is a travesty of a film and I love it.

    • Mahousu

      Demi Moore is probably grateful she was left off the poster.

  • gullywompr

    One is the loneliest fapper.

  • Haribo Lector

    Ewww

  • Michael Rappaport

    Michelle Johnson used to be married to Washington Nationals manager Matt Williams. Maybe that’s why he’s completely bald now.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      she was seriously hot in that movie. Cod bless Michael Caine for making that silly movie so we could get to see her nekkid

      • $73376667

        And this was, ironically, before Brazilians caught on.

  • Pat_Pending

    Oog. I went over and read that. Dumped man is pathetically pathetic.

  • beautifulmutant

    I’m with Lisa – calling someone “bipolar” is bullshit. It’s about as OK an insult as calling someone “retarded.” For real, I love a whole lot of people who are actually bipolar, but I don’t think I’m being overly sensitive and PC here. Keep your name calling to stuff people have control over: “You smell bad for lack of showering!” “You make poor life decisions!” “Those slacks are not flattering!” “You don’t follow through on your commitments!” “Your paella is sub-par.”

    • Haribo Lector

      Sometimes people try their hardest. Paella is hard.

    • Mahousu

      Paella is like sex – even when it’s sub-par, it’s better than none at all.

    • Mojopo

      Agreed. Society went from insults (“That fucker is crazy!”), to completing a diagnosis on someone. I am not qualified to do that.

    • Enfant Terrible

      “Those slacks are not flattering!”Pleated slacks? OMG, you’re clueless!

  • patrickalbino

    This sounds kind of Onion-ish. I think it’s not “real”.

  • $73376667

    Thank you, Internets, for helping my relationships and break-ups seem rational and healthy in comparison.

  • marindenver

    “Continue to make your bed”??? I too thought that was going to be something about making your bed and lying in it but he literally wants her to plump the cushions and tuck in the duvet? Maybe that whole thing was just written performance art?

  • fishskicanoe

    “I hope to be able to masturbate again without stopping because I can only see your body and your face.”One of the greatest lines written in the history of the English language. Sign this guy up for the next Great American Novel.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      I read that line in the voice of Fred Willard

      • $73376667

        Garrison Keillor

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          lake wobegon indeed

      • nothingisamiss

        +1. Now I’ll have to reread the whole damn thing in that voice.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    I thought the expression was “May-December romance”

    • heh. i figured neither of them were old enough for it to be may-december.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        perhaps a March-April romance: in like a lion, out like an old guy with a bedsheet obsession who should stick to cold showers because he’s not getting any from either the GF or the wifey no matter how many May flowers he gives them

  • $73376667

    reinforced that up until you, I had yet to really live life.

    Protip: you still aren’t, in spite of your Manic Pixie Dream Intern experience.