Things Stephanie Meyer Should NOT Do On Her New Hulu Series

twilight

Deadline has announced that Stephanie Meyer, author of the Twilight books and harbinger of teenage fangirl fury, will be executive producing a Hulu series based on the novel The Rook by David O’Malley, a supernatural thriller.

The Rook follows Myfanwy Thomas, a woman with a pretentious Ancient Welsh name that’s only slightly better than “Renesmee,” and who has amnesia, because Wolverine and Jason Bourne haven’t worn that trope out already. She discovers that she is a member of the Checquy, a top secret UK organization that investigates supernatural forces, and must discover which of her fellow agents is trying to kill her, while also getting a handle on her own supernatural powers.

The book has gotten great reviews, and it was only a matter of time before this “Jason Bourne meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer” series got picked up for a movie or TV series. Execs are excited to attach Stephanie Meyer’s name to the project since she’s got this Midas touch–she made big bank on a love triangle involving a vampire, a werewolf, and some bland white chick and was able to convince people to buy a gender-flipped version of her first novel ten years later. However, some viewers might not be interested in the adaptation of The Rook if Stephanie Meyer makes the same mistakes she made in Twilight.

Luckily for Stephanie Meyer, I have three tips for her on how make this project such a huge success that people will stop mocking her for making vampires sparkly.

Make your protagonist interesting

The number one complaint about Twilight (okay, besides sparkly vampires) is that Bella Swan is so boring. I mean, the only personality traits that the girl has is that she is absurdly clumsy, has super tasty blood, and is crazy in love with Edward. That’s it.

And she only seems to have one facial expression.

Pre-amnesia, Myfanwy Thomas was shy, quiet, and content to keep her head down. But post-amnesia, she is more confident and take charge as she tries to control her supernatural abilities and get back into the swing of being a kickass supernatural agent without letting anyone find out that she has temporary memory loss. Way more interesting than a seventeen year old who mopes about her perfect vampire boyfriend being perfect, so don’t try to mold Myfanwy into Bella please.

Let’s avoid the love triangles, shall we?

Ah, love triangles. They are tales as old as time–King Arthur and Lancelot compete over Guinevere’s affections, Ilsa loves Rick but also loves her husband Victor in Casablanca, and we all know how Twilight launched the ship war to end all ship wars.

So many friendships were ruined.

I think it’s safe to say that after Twilight, we’ve all hit a love triangle fatigue. The marketing team behind the Hunger Games trilogy tried to make Team Gale vs. Team Peeta happen, but fans, actors, and even author Suzanne Collins weren’t into it. Suzanne Collins’ editor Kate Egan admits that she asked for more of the love triangle. The second book in The Rook series has yet to be released, but so far, there is no romance on the horizon. I’m not saying Myfanwy should be a spinster and chase off any potential suitors off her lawn, but it’s refreshing to let a female protagonist worry about her job and her past life instead of deciding which dude she’d rather bang.

Let your protagonist work for stuff

The other irritating thing about Bella is that she never worked for anything. She was instantly popular, instantly adored, and instantly adapted to being a vampire, even though the other characters warned that was supposed to be a painful transformation. And when the Volturi wanted to destroy her half-human, half-vampire child, they just had a little chat and realized the kid was harmless after all.

7

Just a creepy child with a dumb name.

Conflict is the engine that drives a story, and nothing interesting happens if a protagonist overcomes obstacles too easily. Let Myfanwy Thomas struggle and fight her way through situations instead of giving her an easy way out, wrapped up with a neat little bow. And even though this is a show that focuses on the supernatural, let’s skip the vampires for now? Or at the very least, don’t make them sparkle.

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Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

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  • Cy Chase

    Wasn’t the pterodactyl in Torchwood named Myfanwy?