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The Voice Top Six Recap: Dedicated To The Boobs We Love

So this week’s The Voice Top Six Live Performances saw the vocalists take on one song of their choosing and another picked out by their coaches. It’s getting harder and harder to be snarky as the numbers dwindle on our beloved Voice, because the talent is phenomenal. But we shall do our best.

With every performance we change our minds about who our frontrunner is, imagining ourselves actually buying their songs on iTunes and then not doing it because we’re poor and only listen to music sent to us for free or that is on Spotify and Pandora. It’s the thought that counts though, although it doesn’t actually count toward any sort of votes.

But as we all know, one of our favorites had to go home this week. Here’s your weekly rundown of what led up to the long, oh-so-sad goodbye.

Cole Vosbury

Cole 1

Team Blake’s last man standing Cole got his first celebrity schwag when Takamine Guitars sent a new acoustic for Blake to gift to him. But, snap, he performed Hall and Oates’ “Rich Girl,” which required him to go electric. So that was a little anti-climactic.

And we would like to take this opportunity to declare our love for Hall and Oates wholeheartedly, so this song selection really won us over. If you’re finding yourself snickering, revisit the catalog. Daryl Hall kills white boy soul. And Cole did the song justice.

Cole’s rasp reaches into our hearts and gives tight hugs. Give that man’s beard a trim and we might even make out with him on a drunken night at an Avett Brothers concert. We also love that his grandma cries every time he sings

“You’re such a pro,” Blake said. “It’s clear that when you get on stage that you’ve been working hard on this for a long time.” Blake was ready to record and release Cole’s “Rich Girl” as a single.

Ceelo, who was the only one who turned around for Cole initially when he busted out with the theme song from “The Jeffersons,” considers himself Cole’s co-coach at this point since he no longer has any contestants. We think that’s fair. Without Ceelo, we wouldn’t know Cole from crop farmer.

For his next song, Cole dedicated James Morrison’s “Better Man” to his first love, who he said inspired him to be, you know, a better man. We have a feeling he may be getting a call from a certain someone

“Man, if you don’t get her back now, something’s wrong,” Blake said. But on a serious note, Blake pointed out that his guy can do it all, and that he has all the dimensions he needs to be a star. We agree. Call us!

Tessanne Chin

Tessanne 3

Our girl took on Bob Marley’s “Redemption Song” at Adam’s request. It’s an important song for her and her people, she said, and it was not taken on lightly. She hit the long notes, simply and powerfully. She made it her own.

Adam summed it up well: “We all know how good you are as a vocalist, but to carry that flag and do it in such an unbelievable way—I was thinking of nothing during that song, I was so immersed and lost in the song, and I have to tell you, everyone in Jamaica is proud of you, but people understand now the potency and power of not only Bob Marley but of Tessanne Chin.” Christina Aguilera concurred.

And, as we expected to happen eventually, Tessanne took on Katy Perry. “Unconditional” was dedicated to her parents, who have taught her unconditional love. This girl’s got range.

“You could run the gamut of any music style you feel like covering,” Adam said. He is eternally impressed, and so is everyone else. We agree with Blake, too. She is a world-class vocalist that can hold her own among any divas today.

Matthew Schuller

The Voice Top Six Recap: Dedicated To The Boobs We Love

Hold on a minute. We thought Matthew was a hipster indy rock kid, but then he went and dedicated “The Story Of My Life” by One Direction to his family. He lost us there, but he probably won over a million screaming girls at the same time.

Plus, it irritates us when young people talk about the stories of their lives because it is rarely a very interesting at that point unless you are Pakistani activist Malala Yousafzai.

But technically, of course, Matthew was as flawless as his coach Christina’s cleavage. “You have this way of truly making it your own,” she said, comparing the modulation during the entrance of the chorus to the heavens parting. She loves his family, too. Who doesn’t? They’re adorable.

For his second song, he ripped into Percy Sledge’s “When A Man Loves A Woman,” also a departure from his previous song list. He left his inner white kid from the suburbs behind and sang his ass off. You know his parents were bursting with pride over that one.

“You are so versatile,” Christina said, talking about his bluesy, soulful delivery that left the modern rock and pop rock hits behind. But, he had that whole Bottom Three thing last week and the Twitter save, which we all know is a curse.

Will Champlin

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Cute lil’ Will took on “A Change Is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke and melted our curled toes, dedicating the song to his wife who is battling a brain tumor. C’mon. How can you not absolutely adore this underdog of a man who nearly breaks down in tears every time he mentions his wife and little girl?

The fact that he chose Sam Cooke kills us. That he has musical chops to boot kills us. The grit in his voice kills us dead. “It felt really real, and it felt really genuine,” coach Adam said.

“You definitely have soul, and more importantly you have heart,” Ceelo said. “I believe you deserve to sing that song alongside the many greats who have covered that record.”

Later, Will busted out a banjo for Avicii’s “Hey Brother,” showing off his musical chops again. “I’m a fan of yours man,” Adam said. “Every time I hear you sing I want to know more, I want to hear more.”

But we agree with what Blake said even more. “Banjos are cool man.”

James Wolpert

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James dedicated the White Stripes’ “I Fell In Love With A Girl” to his dad, who has always supported his decisions. We assume the dedication is less about the song’s lyrical content and more about the performance. He got up there with a guitar and continued his streak of amazing song choices that show his versatility. And that bears repeating.

Then he flattened everyone taking on Meatloaf’s dramatically irritating song “Anything For Love,” which was much less like fingernails on a chalkboard than the original version. But we still couldn’t stop racking our brains wondering, What is THAT?

We still don’t know, and we had forgotten how irritating it was in the early ’90s every time we heard this song on MTV and couldn’t get that out of our young adult brains. And we thought one day when we knew love we would understand, but we know love and we still don’t know.

So we looked it up on Wikipedia, and now we totally feel better about this song. You should, too.

Back to James. He is at his best when he unleashes his theatrical beasties and works the stage like a madman. It’s like when a librarian snatches her glasses off her face and shakes the bun out. Oh James, we are inclined to check your books out all day when you get batshit crazy like that.

Side note: James was sick and his throat was crap, and he still rose to the challenge. “You have nothing to worry about it,” Adam told him. “You got through it. … You handled it like a champ.” The show must go on, and on, and on.

Jacquie Lee

Jacquie 2

Coach Christina chose “Cry Baby” by Janis Joplin to show how the young one excels at tapping into experiences through song that she hasn’t yet experienced in life.

Our favorite old soul rustled up her best Janis to sing about grown up, complicated love making us forget her heart is still intact and only has puppy lick bruises. As she dropped to her knees, holding her tummy whilst hitting those guttural notes, we could have sworn she was in it. And the crowd went wild.

“Who are you?” Carson asked immediately after the powerful performance. “How do you channel that?”

“She left her heart on the stage for you,” Christina said after joining her on stage and throwing the mic stand back on the ground to remind us all of what he had just witnessed.

“If that is you when you have not had your heart broken, I don’t want to see you when you do,” Adam said. Amen. That girl’s got pipes and soul to spare.

Then the little kitten dedicated Christina’s “The Voice Within” to Christina, who has repeatedly taught her to trust her intuition and to embrace confidence. Yes, the two have plenty in common, and Christina was definitely the one to coach this child phenom. And this was a touching tribute to Christina, who we have come to like quite a bit despite ourselves. And we wish we had her boobs.

“Wow,” Christina said, adding how special it was to hear Jacquie Lee sing that song, a song Christina wrote when her boobs were young, too, we mean when she, she was young. We can’t stop thinking about those boobs. We officially crown them the winner of “The Voice.”

Results

Loser Matthew

Sadly, we have to declare Matthew the loser of “The Voice” for the week. Sorry Matthew. The Twittersphere saved James this time instead.  But we know what that means for him next week if the trend continues. If only Christina’s magnificent boobies could save him with their superpowers, but they are no match for the Twits. See you next week.

TV Show: The Voice

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  • Zippy W Pinhead

    WAIT! I read this whole article and not one picture of Christina’s boobs? WTF?

  • Farb

    Enough caterwauling-flavor-of-the-week. Reminds me of the Japanese Idoru system of “music.” Pimp out a coupla people who are not tone deaf and were born with some vocal quality, and call them artists. Right.