The Love Guru (2008) (part 2 of 2)
3. Justin Timberlake as Jacques “Le Coq” Grande: It’s not so much that Timberlake gives a bad performance, which he does; it’s that it’s a bad performance of a stock character that any dipshit with a modicum of talent should be able to pull off easily. The token asshole character in a love triangle should be, well, an asshole, for one thing. Remember Ben Stiller in Dodgeball? That’s how you play this kind of character!
Here, the only distinctive trait that Timberlake’s character has is a big dick. Yes, that’s it. Well, okay, there’s also a Celine Dion thing, but that’s more of a throwaway gag than anything.
Timberlake appears to not give half a shit here, as he goes through the motions with all the comic enthusiasm of a man delivering a eulogy. Oh yeah, he’s also got an attack rooster that gets into a fight with Guru Pitka. It’s a pretty gross sequence, as feathers fly and later we see that Pitka had to bite the rooster’s head off. Charming.
4. Ben Kingsley as Guru Tugginmypudha: You know, I understand that actors need to work, and sometimes they take the jobs they can get, but can somebody please tell me what the fuck Ben Kingsley is doing to his career? How the hell does a guy go from playing Gandhi and winning an Oscar, to BloodRayne, A Sound of Thunder, and now this movie, where he plays a cross-eyed guru who makes his students engage in combat using mops soaked in piss?
Does he have mafia debts? Did he suffer blunt force trauma to the skull while filming Bugsy? What the hell? I mean, really, what the hell? Okay, I’m fine now. Ben sure isn’t, but I am.
On a related note, what the hell did Morgan Freeman need to buy that required him to lend his voice to the dumbass Voiceover Machine gag in this film? I hope he’s enjoying the new boat.
5. Verne Troyer as Coach Punch Cherkov: You know you’re in deep trouble when the main gag about a character is simply the fact of his being. Yeah, Mike, we know the guy is a midget! You know how we know? Because it’s as obvious as every other joke in this stupid film!
Troyer does basically what he did in the Austin Powers films, which is beat up Mike Myers, and flip the bird every once in a while. There’s also a really annoying running gag concerning Cherkov getting knocked around violently. In one scene, he gets hit in the head with a puck, blasted across the ice rink by the paddles from a crash cart, and ends up inside a Gatorade cooler after the team wins the Stanley Cup at the end of the movie.
And now, the two most repulsive, and indeed, worst sins of the movie. For the sake of your sanity, my sanity, and because I couldn’t find any pictures online that weren’t on a site I have strong moral objections to, these will just have to exist in the darkest depths of your imagination.
6. The Elephants: I really don’t want to get too deep into the details, but at the end of the movie Pitka provides a distraction for the star hockey player after he’s seemingly lost his nerve. His issue is that his rival has a larger dick, which the rival has brought up right before a game-winning penalty shot in the Stanley Cup finals. To get him refocused, Guru Pitka gets two elephants to hump on the ice. I feel dirty for having written that. It’s even worse than the same gag being used briefly in Southland Tales—it might even be worse than the two SUVs fucking in that same movie. When you really get down to it, any time you see two animals/things mating in something other than a nature documentary, it’s some pretty serious bad times.
7. The Dinner Scene: At about an hour into the film, Pitka is falling for Jessica Alba, as would any straight man with a functioning brain stem. A weird Bollywood reference earlier sets up this wooing scene. Generally, a scene like this is supposed to show the lead in a charming, funny light. But here, there’s more tiresome bathroom humor as Pitka has his assistant fix dinner, which is two large nuts served in dough. In other words, a nut sack. We’re then treated to Pitka running the already gross gag into the ground by doing some gross prop comedy with the raw dough and nuts, followed by his assistant crushing the nuts, with Myers making accompanying grunts and cries of pain.
That’s only the tip of the iceberg though, folks: You also get Stephen Colbert wasted in a sportscaster role! Though, he is the best thing about the film. Yep, all five minutes of him.
Now you may be wondering where Jessica Alba fits into all of this. Well, to be honest, she really doesn’t have a hell of a lot to do. She’s neither good nor bad. She exists in the time and space of this film and makes no impression positive, negative, or otherwise. Still, I’d be a coldhearted bastard if I didn’t give you a shot of her.
The rest of the film is tired, pointless, and as truly unfunny as a film can get. This is a dire attempt at comedy, and a laugh-free dead zone with an endless supply of dick jokes. The stuff with the hockey player and his wife is truly superfluous, because everything seems to revolve around Mike Myers and his obsession with gross-out humor. It’s weird, because most vanity projects are intended to make the star look good.
To sum up: You know your film is bad when Jessica Alba isn’t the worst thing about it.
Stay tuned for more Guaranteed Razzie Contenders, coming soon!