The Hottie & the Nottie (2008) (part 3 of 5)

Outside the yoga place, Nate asks out Paris. But she explains that this isn’t the right time. She says June has never had a boyfriend, and to illustrate why, there’s a shot of her in the parking lot looking hideous, while the horse noises are once again added for our edification. So, she’s ugly, is what they’re trying to say?

Paris explains that she used to go out with any guy who asked, but now she’s made a pledge. She’s not dating anyone until June finds someone special, or until this movie reaches the third act, whichever happens first.

By the way, this movie has some pretty bad sound editing. And I know absolutely nothing about sound editing, so for me to notice this means the movie has some really bad sound editing. Some of Paris’ dialogue is looped in, and it’s the kind of dubbing that should have the distributors of old kung fu movies beaming with pride.

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The upshot of all this is that Nate is determined to help June find someone, so that he can get with the Hottie. He goes back to Arno’s place, where he tries to think of ways to get June cleaned up, including getting her a spa makeover. Arno scoffs at this, and offers this very cogent argument: “If you want to flip this chick, you’ll have to do a lot more than mow the lawn!”

And now Nate and Paris are having a picnic, which he insists is not a date, because he’s only here to talk about finding a man for June. He says he wants to find a guy who doesn’t care about the infected toenails or the “backne”. And then, about ten seconds later, he completely lies and says he’s already found just such a guy.

But Paris throws a kink into this well thought-out plan by asking the guy’s name. Nate looks around at the food on the picnic blanket, and decides that the guy’s name is “Cole… Slaw… sen. Cole Slawsen!” Geddit? Sadly, this is about the funniest the movie ever gets.

Caption contributed by Albert

“And he has a really good friend… Paz Tasalad.”

Nate says “Cole Slawsen” could be June’s soul mate, but Paris says they just need to get June laid. For no particular reason, Paris adds, “A life without orgasms is like a world without flowers!” I wonder if Paris got lines like this from settling her lawsuit with Hallmark.

Next up is Nate’s clever plan to find a guy for June: he puts up a flyer on a bulletin board seeking volunteers for medical experiments, which will include “analy [sic] injected fungus & bacteria (treated only w/ placebo drugs)”.

Caption contributed by Albert

Testing may include analy injected fungus, and/or repeated screenings of The Hottie & the Nottie, whichever is more painful.

Nate stakes out the bulletin board with binoculars, and eventually, a nerdy, balding guy comes along and tears off a number, and goes to a payphone. The guy even wipes down the phone receiver, which is funny, because why should he care about germs when he’s about to get analy injected with bacteria? Oh, my sides.

Nate suddenly appears, and says the nerdy guy can make the same amount of money, and all he has to do is go on a date with a woman. The guy is suspicious, asking if this woman has a “vagina” or not. He also suggests that perhaps the “woman” is really Nate in a dress, and yet, he goes along with the plan anyway.

Cut to a bar at a marina, where June and Paris wait for their dates. A studly male-model type walks up to hit on Paris. He feels up her shoulder blades and goes, “I thought they were wings!” Then June anticipates his next cheesy line about Paris’ father being a baker, because she has great buns, and then she cuts him down to size about his hair plugs, and his job at the “Porsche dealership”, and how he has to pay to get laid, and so forth. The guy’s response is, “Who told you I used to sell Porsches?” Was… was that the joke? Sadly, there’s a point to this, too.

Enter Nate and the nerdy guy, and Nate tells the guy that his name is now “Cole Slawsen”. But “Cole” sees June and is horrified.

“Cole” doesn’t want to go through with the date, fearing his “dingus will fall off”, but Nate offers more money. And now they’re all out on a boat, about to set sail. But then it turns out the skipper is the hairplug-having ex-Porsche salesman. He’s pissed off at June, so he runs away, leaving their boat sitting at the dock. Is that really the joke here? Yes, I think it is.

So, they’re all hanging out in the boat, still sitting at the dock. “Cole” looks down and sees June’s infected toenail, and looks ready to hurl. And it seems they lost the tape with the horse whinnying noises, because this time they’re dubbing in either donkey noises, or elephant noises—it’s so hard to tell. It’s also hard to care.

Caption contributed by Albert

The real reason theater concession sales hit a new low in 2008.

“Cole” continues to try to escape from the date, by claiming he suffers from “involuntary explosive diarrhea”. But Nate forces him to stick it out. And yes, June is just so desperate for a man that not even explosive diarrhea is a turn off.

Then, just to stimulate chit-chat, Nate asks everyone what their ideal dream date would be. When no one answers, Nate says he wants to see Venice. June perks up, and says that she, too, would also love to see Venice. Wow, they have something in common, and I can only imagine what surprising third-act twist they’re setting up here.

Then Paris suggests they all lay out in swimsuits, and this next sequence goes exactly like you’d expect. There are fan-blown, slow-motion pans up and down Paris’ body as she looks hot in her bikini. And then there are similar, horrifying pans up and down June’s body as she looks all hairy and misshapen in her one-piece swimsuit. Show of hands, who else thinks this film started writing itself about twenty minutes ago?

But “Cole”, upon seeing June in her swimsuit, is suddenly filled with lust, and he decides to just go for it. He cries out, “Come to poppa!”

But then… it happens. “It” being the most barftacular moment of the entire film. Something small and discolored flies into the mouth of “Cole”. I know where this is going, and I’m sure you know where this is going too, but it’s way too late to jump off this train now. There’s nothing we can do but stare into the eyes of disaster and hope we make it out of this alive.

Caption contributed by Albert

“Cole” just got the worst Cracker Jack “surprise” of all time.

From off-screen, June calls out, “Nate! Good news! I just lost my toenail!” Yes, somehow, some way, June’s gross, infected toenail fell off, and flew all the way across the boat, and landed in “Cole’s” mouth. Yes, it really has come to this. Seriously, do infected toenails usually rocket off through the air like that?

“Cole” spits out the toenail. Understandably, he’s a bit perturbed. This time he actually leaps off the boat and swims far, far away from here. It’s really hard to blame him, and even harder not to want to join him.

Cut to a beach house, which I guess is where Paris and June live. Earlier, we were told Paris works as an “event planner” for a “charity group”, and June works at a zoo. So of course, they’re easily able to afford beachfront property in southern California.

Paris and Nate are trying to comfort June about her date gone wrong. And then Nate pretends like he just happens to have a spa treatment for two, and he gives it to the girls. Paris then brings up a guy who was flirting with June last week, and how the guy even gave June his card. June points out the guy was a dermatologist, offering to get rid of her mole.

Spa makeover, check. Mole removal, check. It’s all being set up so brilliantly, isn’t it? And if you don’t think they’re going to turn June into a hot babe by the end of this film, then I don’t know what movies you’ve been watching your whole life.

And then Paris declares that “our bodies are like an earth-suit” that “carries our soul, until you pass on from this planet into the next dimension!” Nate and June have no idea what she’s talking about, and then the subject is dropped, and that’s the full extent of that joke. Was Paris Hilton writing her own dialogue by this point? Just curious.

Multi-Part Article: The Hottie & the Nottie (2008)

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