The Bachelorette: The Mets, Mariachi Music & Meglomaniacs

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Last week, we left off with big bad Nick moving into the house. Suddenly all the other guys turn into Kaitlyn’s dad from a 1980s rom-com and start grilling Nick about why he’s worthy of dating their little girl. Because she’s a “cool chick” is the best Nick can come up with, and the guys are seriously not impressed. Hard to believe they’re not happy about this human cock block moving in. I’ve gotta admit, I am a little mad at Kaitlyn for letting Nick crash this party.

"Tell us, son--what are your intentions with our future wife?"

“We’ve all come on this TV show to fall in love as quickly as possible with the one woman available to us. How dare you tarnish that with your cheap theatrics!”

Tensions are high as we head over to Mets Stadium for the rose ceremony. J.J. jumps on the opportunity to get to first base with Kaitlyn, then second, and third, and all the way into home—while the other guys stand around and watch. When is she going to realize what a douchebag he is?

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The biggest group of losers to gather at Mets Stadium since… well, the last Mets game.

All the guys hate Nick, and they are not shy about telling Kaitlyn how they feel. Personal Trainer 1 Million Shawn is questioning his feelings about Kaitlyn since she allowed Nick to come in. Dating 15 other guys at the same time as him is fine, but 16? That’s an outrage!

Shawn tells her that he thinks Nick full of shit, and he’s upset she can’t see that. She says, “Don’t you trust me?” and he says, “Your actions and words aren’t matching up.” You know I love my girl Kaitlyn, but I agree.

Sponsor Dad Ben H., who I’m suddenly rooting for, is the first guy to get a rose. Personal Trainer 2 Ben Z. is next. Third rose goes to Shawn. Next is Who Are You Tanner, then Moonshine Joe (go, Joe!), Ian the Flash, Gross J.J., Welder Joshua, and the final rose goes to Newcomer Nick, of course. (PT3 Justin, Love-Man Jared, and Cupcake Chris are all safely holding date-night roses from last week.)

Getting the boot are Detroit Dad Jonathan, Obsessive Ryan, and Nonentity Corey.

It’s time to leave New York behind for the beautiful metropolis of San Antonio, the stars at night are big and bright clap clap clap clap deep in the heart of Texas. All the guys start referring to Nick as “the other guy” as if, like Voldermort, using his name will give him power.

The first 1-on-1 in Texas goes to Proud Pseudo-Poppa Ben H. They hop into a big truck, and Joshua the Welder gets all sad and jealous because he misses his truck back home. Rookie Nick is trying to act like a veteran, talking about how hard it is to see Kaitlyn go off with another guy.

Apparently there ain’t squat to do San Antonio, because Kaitlyn and Benny-Boy immediately blow out of town for Gruene, because who wouldn’t?! Gruene, baby! That’s where the real nightlife is!

Or at least that’s where the two-steppin’ competition is. Dance metaphors abound, mostly spouted by cute little old couples in When Harry Met Sally-style cutaways. After a quick lesson, the heat is on. And poor Ben must be feeling it, because he’s sweating up a storm on the dance floor. You can’t say he’s not trying, for what it’s worth. Not much, says the judges, who eliminate them in round two.

"The two step, huh? Dang, I didn't know they're be any math."

“The two step, huh? Dang, I didn’t know they’re be any math.”

Kaitlyn is also unimpressed. He’s trying too hard to dance and not trying hard enough to connect with her. Over dinner, she urges him to open up about his romantic past, but what passes for his big confession is pretty ho-hum. Apparently, he was pretty bummed when his last girlfriend broke up with him. Wow, if this is as deep as Ben gets, do not dive. He gets a rose anyway.

The group date card comes, and of course Newcomer Nick is on it because the producers aren’t idiots. Also crammed into this clown car of awkwardness are PT2 Ben Z., PT3 Justin, Ian the Flash, Love-Man Jared, Cupcake Chris, Who Is Tanner, Moonshine Joe, Gross J.J., a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker, and the 1993 Los Angeles Dodgers. Oh, and also a 12-year-old Mariachi singer who apparently got really lost on his way to the New York subway.

The twelve year old is here to help the guys write their own Mariachi song to win Kaitlyn’s heart. Is she really going to hear nine Mariachi songs in a row and somehow not stab herself in both ears with an eyebrow pencil?

It'd be the third Mariachi-related death in San Antonio that week.

It’d be the third Mariachi-related death in San Antonio that week.

Actually, it’s less painful than it sounds. (The Mariachi stuff, not the eyebrow pencil thing.) Shawn is fun, J.J. is lousy, Jared embraces it, Moonshine Joe is adorable, Ian has trouble performing (relax, it happens to every guy eventually), and Joshua is awesome with his “Will you marry(achi) me?” finish.

But Nick is universally acknowledged the winner with lines like, “We have such a good connection/it gives me such a huge erection.” Yeah, you’re just gonna have to trust me that it really worked when you hear it out loud. All the guys admit they’ve been beat.

Cocktail party time! Welder Joshua steals Kaitlyn away for a one-on-one. He decides to have Kaitlyn cut his hair as a trust exercise. Hey, trust is great, but always verify the batteries on your electric clippers are charged. OOPS.

Eek, if that’s what trusts gets you…

He wasn't expecting her to be making that face until much later on in the evening.

He wasn’t expecting her to be making that face until much later on in the evening.

Then Nick steals Kaitlyn away. He is a scoundrel; it’s hard to watch my girl get played. He is no good, but he plays a good game. He is like J.J. but better at it. Welder Joshua of the Half-Shaved Head has had enough and steal Kaitlyn right back.

You know who Joshua doesn’t like? Nick. You know who else doesn’t like Nick? Everybody. This is somehow news to Kaitlyn. She charges back in and angrily demands to know why everyone has been LYING TO HER FACE about being okay with Nick. Surprisingly, this isn’t the best way to get an honest answer. “Whaaa? We love that guy! Joshua be trippin’!” everyone says.

“Oh, fuck you guys. Just fuck every last one of you,” Joshua’s face says. Poor guy’s plan backfired to the max. And just to rub it in, Kaitlyn hands the group date rose to Nick.

Next up is a one-on-one with PT1 Shawn. They have a great day kayaking, and then Sean drops that I-hate-Nick bomb. Sort of? At least he has the balls to defend Joshua. A bit later, we get his big confession: he was in a car accident. So now he wears a seat belt. WOW. Then, he tells her he is falling in love with her. Kaitlyn is psyched. She says she feels the same way.

The last girl who tried to touch his hair while kissing lost a finger.

The last girl who tried to touch his hair while kissing lost a finger.

BIG BOMBSHELL: Ian has decided he is too good for Kaitlyn! If she is not into him, she clearly sucks. He is an egomaniac! Who knew! What a cray-cray jerk.

So it’s the cocktail party before the rose ceremony. Kaitlyn tells Jared she trusts him, and he makes lots of super-corny love declarations. Meanwhile, Ian is still trying to convince the camera that being just one of the crowd of Kaitlyn’s suitors is beneath him because apparently he wasn’t really clear on the rules of the show. Kaitlyn fails to notice Ian’s antics because she’s too busy making out with Moonshine Joe. But Ian won’t be ignored! He pulls Kaitlyn aside and calls her shallow for not recognizing his greatness. He went to Princeton, for Pete’s sake. Princeton! Did you go to Princeton? No, you did not.

"And if that doesn't convince you, I'd be happy to give you my mother's phone number and she can tell you how wonderful I am."

“And if that doesn’t convince you, I’d be happy to give you my mother’s phone number and she can tell you how wonderful I am.”

Kaitlyn’s face during Ian’s tantrum make this entire season worthwhile…

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Does Ian’s speech make Kaitlyn see the error of his ways and immediately start sucking his dick professing her love? I think it’s pretty safe to say no, but we don’t actually know for sure because this is the big cliffhanger moment ABC decided to leave us with this week.

TV Show: The Bachelorette

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