The Bachelorette: I Never Promised You a Rose Garden and/or Ceremony

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ZOMG, What will Kaitlyn do to Blond Boring Clint now that she’s caught on that he’s a lying douchebag who has no interest in her but only wants to be on TV and suck J.J.’s d—er, I mean, hang out with J.J.?! WE’VE BEEN HANGING ONTO THIS CLIFF ALL WEEK!

Well, she boots him. Duh. Pretty much what you’d expect. It only gets interesting when Cliff heads back inside to say goodbye to all the dudes, and J.J. totally puts this ho before his bro, stabbing Cliff in the back while throwing him under a bus and dancing on his grave. Apologize to everyone, demands J.J.! Hey, that tie goes really good with that shirt, answers Cliff—but, like, in a really mean way that makes J.J. cry. Seriously. I am not making that up.

"And your collar is perfectly starched....dick."

“Don’t make me say something we’ll both regret… like how perfectly starched that collar is.”

Clint leaves, and J.J. immediately starts beating himself up. Literally/physically. Again, this is actually what happened. How am I even supposed to parody this stuff?

“Where else will I find another guy to drink shots and belittle women with?”

It’s finally time for the rose ceremony, but Kaitlyn’s mind is not in the game (It never seems to be). “All the guys are staying,” she announces, but the boys are not as thrilled as she expected because they’re willing to risk the axe just to see J.J. go home.

With no one on screen or off happy about the lack of roses, Host Chris Harrison shows up to announce they’re taking the show on the road this week to New York City. Oh, goody, we NEVER get to see TV shows take place there. How exotic!

But the boys are excited and say NYC feels like a place you can fall in love, unlike, say, Arlington, Iowa, which feels like a place you stop to ask directions to another place. You gotta think that’s a bullet Kaitlyn is now glad she dodged.

But there’s no dodging the first Group Date Card, which pits six guys against each other in a…no, please, no…rap battle. The matchups are:

  • Detroit Dad Jonathan vs. Obsessive Ryan
  • Personal Trainer #2 Ben Z. vs. Who the Hell Is Tanner
  • Personal Trainer #1 Shawn vs. Personal Trainer #3 Justin
Traditionally, the lyrics in rap battles are read from 4" x 6" note cards.

Traditionally, the lyrics in rap battles are read from 4″ x 6″ note cards.

Everybody sucks, which is kind of the point, because Kaitlyn lets us know that what she really wants is a guy who can laugh at himself. And they do, and we do, and it’s fun.

Obligatory "like they just don't care" joke here.

Obligatory “like they just don’t care” joke here.

The big shocker comes after. It’s KardAshley! But she’s only here to bring out Nick from Andi’s season of The Bachelorette. Apparently, he and Kaitlyn have been talking over the www, and he wants a chance to win her heart. And if that means another 15 minutes in the spotlight, well, he’ll suffer that burden if he must. What a guy. Ugh, Nick was lame then, and he is lame now. But Kaitlyn doesn’t seem to think so if the immediate make-out session is anything to go by.

They had previously only communicated over Craigslist.

They had previously only communicated over Craigslist.

Screw you, Nick! Go away. I smell a WRONG REASON!

Kaitlyn is torn. Should she invite Nick onto the show? She runs her dilemma by the guys on the group date, and, gosh, whaddaya know, they’re pretty pissed about it. Not only did she fail to narrow the dating pool with a rose ceremony at the beginning of the episode, but now she’s adding new competition.

Justin says he’ll support Kaitlyn’s decision no matter what, and all the other guys immediately start kicking themselves for not coming up with that BS first. But it’s too late: Justin gets the rose. Which personal trainer was he again? Eh, they all just look like a lot of abs and hair gel to me.

The next day, Kaitlyn is about to go on a one-on-one date with Love-Man Jared, but first she has to get her hair did by… CRAZY ASHLEY YES YES YES! Who else should one turn to for sound advice but the most bat shit of contestants ever on TV?!

"I hope you don't mind, but they only let me use safety scissors."

“I hope you don’t mind, but they only let me use safety scissors.”

Only…she’s pretty tame. In fact, she could almost pass for the voice of reason. Crazy Ashley warns Kaitlyn that she can’t be feeling anything for Nick after a few tweets and some brief tonsil hockey other than lust. This isn’t what Kaitlyn wants to hear, so she immediately ditches both the advice and the new hairstyle she got from Crazy Ashley and tells Nick he can stay. Nu-uh!!

Date time. Kaitlyn and Jared are at the Met talking about… well, Jared talks about various things, but Kaitlyn has only one thing on her mind—and it ain’t art. Or sex. Or anything remotely interesting. It’s Nick. Okay, Kaitlyn, you may be the star of this show, but that doesn’t give you the right to be a shitty date.

And nothing—NOTHING—gives you right to write a poem, Jared. But he does, and she rewards him with a rose anyway. There is no justice in this world.

Unless you're in ninth grade or poet laureate of the United States, use of original poetry on a date should never lead to making out.

Unless you’re in ninth grade or poet laureate of the United States, use of original poetry on a date should never lead to making out.

Then they share a helicopter ride over Manhattan, and Jared knows he could fall in love with Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn tells the guys that Nick is going to be moving into the house with them. The guys are pissed, and frankly I don’t blame them. Some hot guy, maybe Ben H. but I can’t really tell because he’s wearing glasses, says to chill, have fun, and “don’t let the time be vampired up by Nick.” Wise words, oh Glassed One.

Group Date #2 is a Broadway date. Moonshine Joe, Cupcake Chris, Ian the Flash, Welder Josh, and Sponsor Dad Ben H. are going to audition for Disney’s Aladdin, lest you forget Disney owns ABC. Whoever performs best will actually appear in that night’s performance with Kaitlyn, which is one way to piss off an entire theater full of Broadway musical lovers and/or Disney fans.

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“I can open your eyes… Take you blunder by blunder…”

Cupcake Chris tells us he’s practiced this in the shower, in the car, you name it. Are we allowed to speculate about his being gay yet? (I can’t decide if the Broadway musical thing makes it more or less politically correct.) Chris pours his entire half-ounce of talent into his song and dance. Welder Joshua is being definitely politically INcorrect when says Chris’s flamboyant acting style might be okay on Broadway but would get him beaten up in real life. The director is much more gracious and gives Chris the part. Welder Joshua is upset and wants to throw and punch things, because that sort of behavior is okay, apparently—or at least straight.

That night, Chris and Kaitlyn are briefly allowed on stage to perform a few notes in front of the audience and then unceremoniously booted from the building. Then, they hike up and up and up and up to the roof top where the New Year’s Eve ball lives and somehow manage to make out despite being out of breath for the next hour. He must have been reasonably good at it because he gets a rose.

Back home, there’s no rose ceremony once again because who needs that kind of suspense or payoff in a TV show. Instead, we see Big Bad Nick moving in… DUN DUN DUN!

TV Show: The Bachelorette

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