The Bachelorette: Bleeps & Blurs

 

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We begin right where we left off, with Kupah the Psycho freaking out during his exit interview. Kaitlyn goes outside to talk to him. He once again says he does not want to go home. She once again says that they are never, ever getting back together, like ever. He is not gonna turn this around. Then, without much ado, we roll into the rose ceremony we did not get last week.

The roses go to: Love-Man Jared, Sponsor Dad Ben H, Personal Trainer #1 Shawn, Detroit Dad Jonathan, Who Are You Tanner, Cupcake Chris, Obsessive Ryan, PT3 Justin, The Flash Ian, Welder Love Virgin Joshua, Moonshine Joe, Some Corey, and Mr. “Eye of the Child” Tony.

The poor Ed Norton guy who I’ve never noticed before looks very sad, and I wish he was staying ‘cause I love American History X and Primal Fear.

Daniel the Fashion Designer is gone, but three personal trainers remain. Anybody else think Kaitlyn may have a type?

Daniel the Fashion Designer is gone, but three personal trainers remain. Anybody else think Kaitlyn may have a type?

Other Cory is out, too. Kaitlyn says she “didn’t think it would be this hard.” What, coming up with a line that’s not so cliché? Come on, Kaitlyn, you can do better than that.

And now it’s time to let the good times roll, and that means flashing some man meat.

Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah, pretty much.

Much like last week, Group Date #1 is going to get violent. This time, it’s sumo wrestling instead of boxing, with a 600-pound Japanese man—literally the heaviest Japanese person in recorded history—there to train them (for all of three minutes or so).

Next week, on Dancing With the Stars

Participating are: Boring Blond Clint (DON’T WORRY WE WILL GET THERE), Cupcake Chris, Eye of the Child Tony, Moonshine Joe, and Confident Douchebag J.J., who tells us how ready he is because he has eaten sushi.

The guys take off the kimonos, revealing their white cotton speedos, and J.J. comments on all the asses (DON’T WORRY WE WILL GET THERE). Kaitlyn thinks it’s sexy? There is so much hanging out, literally, but the editors—the poor, poor editors—manage to blur it.

If only it were all a blur...

If only it were all a blur…

The guys all flail around like nincompoops. But Tony is sad he has to show aggression because he sees the world through the eyes of a child. What woman doesn’t want that? But Kaitlyn again is a queen to rival Daenerys Targaryen and gracefully humors him. J.J. tries to “fix” it, but Swami Child Eyes has completely lost sight of his happy place. He’s cursing up a storm and even yells at Kaitlyn, which…can you imagine one of the women yelling at the Bachelor about a date she doesn’t like? Men are so entitled. This is some BS. But Kaitlyn soothes the savagely peaceful beast and even apologizes to him. Oh, Tony, just take your not-quite-covered balls and go home.

That is one sad, angry, naked man.

That is one sad, angry, naked man.

Actually, Tony does the next best thing and stays home at the mansion while all the other guys head over to University City Walk for a sumo tournament in front of the crowds/random passers-by. Boring Blond Clint takes the contest VERY SERIOUSLY and steamrolls the competition, which, yeah, is kind of the point of sumo wrestling, but it’s a little creepy.

So, so very creepy.

So, so creepy.

Kaitlyn and PT1 Shawn connect—again, considering he got the first kiss and first rose back in Week 1—and he gets the Group Date #1 rose. Clint acts pissy and says Kaitlyn should have sought him out since he’s the big, bad tournament winner. Clint adds that Caitlyn’s not the girl for him, but he likes a lot of the guys, J.J. in particular. Then he tosses out an off-the-cuff “I’m gay for J.J., har-har, as if” joke, and boom, there you go. That’s the whole Brokeback Bachelorette situation in all its lame, messed up, anti-climactic glory. I don’t want to give it more attention. Fortunately, Peace-loving, Child-eyed, Spirit-healing Rage Monster Tony crashes the party to create some real drama. He says he’s leaving, right now, seriously, don’t try to stop him. No one does. Huh, I guess that wasn’t really much drama either.

"Like anyone could seriously think we're gay."

“Like anyone could seriously think we’re gay.”

Next up, Kaitlyn & PT2 Ben Z. have a solo date custom made for them by Host Chris Harrison. Blech, whatever. It’s a “scary” date. They run through a horror-themed “escape” game while Kaitlyn squeals and Ben Z. gets to be manly. Afterwards, Ben Z. talks about walking the dog/his mom dying. He’s sad he didn’t cry when his mom died. Kaitlyn thinks Ben Z. could be a great husband. He gets the rose.

The next group date is: Detroit Dad Jonathan, Sponsor Dad Ben H., Iowa Welder Joshua, Love-Man Jared, Obsessive Ryan, and Who the Hell Is Tanner.

Hey, did you know there’s absolutely nothing Hollywood parents won’t subject their children to if it means they get to be on TV? Case in point: these six guys are going to teach a sex ed class to actual fifth graders. (Okay, later they reveal all the kids are actors, but still, ACTUAL FIFTH GRADE ACTORS.)

"For a banana lasting more than four hours, call your doctor."

“For a banana lasting more than four hours, call your doctor.”

Ryan steals the show by answering a boy’s question about what a clitoris is by saying, “That’s what makes her want to have sex with you again.” ABC bleeped out “clitoris,” which does not seem very educational, and the word “penis,” too, which makes you wonder what possible words they would have allowed, or how they thought the subject was appropriate for TV if the words weren’t, or why it was okay to talk about Moonshine Joe’s “left nut” hanging out of his sumo speedo earlier.

Hey, sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.

Hey, sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.

Ben H. turns the sperm’s search for an egg into a one-man show, and it’s so charming yet age-appropriate that Kaitlyn’s ovaries are clearly yearning for a private demonstration by the time he’s done. When he later explains to her that he works with impoverished children in Honduras, Kaitlyn can’t help but drop the rose on him, and almost her panties.

"It's just a matter of time before I end up right here."

“It’s just a matter of time before I end up right here.”

Back at the mansion, it’s rose ceremony time. Boring Blond Clint quickly takes the opportunity to apologize to Kaitlyn before she can boot him, but then confesses to the camera that he’s got no interest in Kaitlyn at all. WRONG REASONS!!! I CALL WRONG REASONS!!! And I’m not the only one. When the other boys tip Kaitlyn off to Clint’s BS, she drags his ass outside to rip a new hole in it… probably. We don’t actually know, because just like last week, the moment Kaitlyn takes it outside, we go to the closing credits. ZOMG, cliffhanger. Eh, much like the whole Brokeback Bachelor thing, there’s not much this week that didn’t promise to be much more interesting than it was.

TV Show: The Bachelorette

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