In Steven Spielberg's overlong, needlessly complicated adaption of a Philip K. Dick short story, the Couch Jumper (AKA Tom Cruise) plays a "precrime" detective who stops murders before they happen with the help of blind, androgynous "precogs" who can see the future.

At long last, it's the movie adaption of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, now a Tea Partier's wet dream! The VP of the country's most important railroad and the owner of the country's most important steel company join forces to save the economy and answer the burning question (and meme-before-memes-were-a-thing): Who is John Galt?

Loosely based on the arcade game of the same name, Double Dragon stars Party of Five's Scott Wolf and future Iron Chef host Mark Dacascos as two interracial brothers living in post-apocalyptic Los Angeles in the far-flung year of 2007. With the help of Alyssa Milano, they protect one-half of an ancient Chinese talisman from falling into the hands of crime lord Robert Patrick, who will stop at nothing to reassemble the medallion and gain absolute power.

A force subtly known as the Great Evil threatens the earth, so it's up to 23rd century cab driver Bruce Willis to bring together four element stones and Milla Jovovich (as the titular Fifth Element) to unleash a Divine Light to stop the Evil. Will they succeed, or be defeated by Gary Oldman's awful (southern?) accent?

“This episode, it’s Cherry 2000, a 1987 sci-fi action flick about a man who breaks his robot wife, and hires a redheaded Melanie Griffith to head into the desert wastelands to find him an exact duplicate. If you think the synopsis sounds ridiculous, wait until you actually see it.”

“There’s more padding in the rest of this film than in Travolta’s Battlefield Earth codpiece.”

“In this installment of Saturday Morning Glory, Ryan Lohner examines The Loonatics, a misguided attempt to make the Loony Tunes edgy and exxxxtreme!!! by turning them into anime-inspired superheroes who shoot energy beams out of random orifices.”

“So here we have a complex theme, a half-hearted performer, a hit-or-miss director, and a ton of money blown on special effects without regards to telling a logical story. What could go wrong?”

“A textbook example of how not to turn a novel into a movie.”

It was a classic of science fiction history... that was boring and made no sense. Seriously, there is a reason you are the only person at Comic Con dressed that way.

“There’s nothing like using your godlike powers over time and space to impress a chick.”

“I’m really annoyed at how this movie is making me question the competence of every single human being in the universe.”

"It would all be so sinister, if I gave a shit."

"You've heard of an idiot plot? This movie is an idiot plot fractal. No matter how far down into the details you wallow, you still find a whole new, glorious idiot plot."

"Every shot is tilted at a different angle. I'd call this 'jarring', but I'd worry about offending jars."

I was always a little apprehensive about championing the cause of Clonus as being ripped off by The Island, because basically, I hadn't seen The Island. Anyone could look at the plot outlines and see the obvious resemblance, of course, but I could never really be sure. At least, not until now.

The Island is finally out on DVD, complete with a commentary track from Michael Bay. After watching the movie twice and listening to Bay's commentary, I'm more convinced than ever that The Island is directly based on Parts: The Clonus Horror. In fact, there are several details and plot points in The Island that make absolutely no sense except as an homage to Clonus.

"Out of all the movies featured in the Agony Booth, this is the only one that your tax dollars helped pay for."

"'We'll always have Seattle' doesn't quite have the same ring to it, does it?"

"'Death approaches,' Avalow says. 'We are all mortal again! Now we can say yes to death!' So throw out all your old CHOOSE LIFE shirts from the 80's! And get rid of all those FRANKIE SAY RELAX shirts while you're at it!"

"It appears that by Y5K, all women will dress like strippers."

An Irwin Allen production of a screenplay by Akiva Goldsman? "The pain, the pain..."