Ryan hosts another episode of the Movie Skewer to look at The Golden Compass, based on a novel near and dear to him. New Line scrubbed away the book’s anti-Christian themes when they adapted it into a movie, along with all traces of anything dark or disturbing. Watch as Ryan examines the end result: a bland movie-by-committee where nothing is at stake.

“Delgo is the trite tale of two species battling for control of their generic fantasyland and the star-crossed lovers (voiced by Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Jennifer Love Hewitt) caught in the middle, featuring cheap CGI, endless clichés, and terrible comic relief courtesy of an exceptionally irritating Chris Kattan. If you missed this one in theaters (and odds are very, very good that you did), here’s your chance to find out if it’s as bad as its domestic gross suggests!”

“Break out your action figures, and settle in for pure ‘80s awesomeness! Long before the horrendous Transformers movies, there was Masters of the Universe, a live action movie that adapted a toy/cartoon series, and actually did it right! Sure, it may be just another fish out of water story, and there may be a few too many new characters, but overall the film delivers. Sword battles, weird creatures, and a 22 year old Courtney Cox? Sign me up!”

“This time out, it finally becomes apparent just how much weed was being smoked in the writers’ room at the time, as Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and the Wonder Twins journey into a total rip-off of J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings.”

“The worst M. Night Shyamalan movie yet. And damn, is that saying something.”

“Can’t say I really blame Aunt Em for wanting to strap Dorothy up to the electroshock machine. WTF kind of stuff is she telling people? Can’t Dorothy just tell them about the cute stuff, like the Lollipop Guild or whatever? I think if she had focused more on the non-creepy aspects of Oz, Aunt Em would be praising her for her creativity and imagination, not sending her off to Dr. Shocker, erm, Worley.”

“It takes a real artist to perform among puppets, and Bowie pulls it off masterfully. Now that I’m an adult, I can finally admire his performance. As a girl, I was too busy feeling disconcerted by the puppets and the bulge in Bowie’s tights. They sure didn’t call it a ‘crotchtrusion’ for nothing.”

“My prediction at the end of my Twilight recap was correct: This movie did indeed suck harder than its predecessor. In fact, it sucked so hard that it made me wonder why I ever liked the first one to begin with.”

Because who says only video games can get terrible adaptations?

”Eight stories that are not so much bad as they are levels of Hell.”

"No matter how good of a job the director did, and no matter how hard the screenwriters worked, nobody else's talent is ever going to fix the middle-aged woman's disturbing sparkly wank-dream that is Twilight."

"Uwe Boll breaks rules of drama so obvious that you never knew they existed until you see them not being followed."

"They call me the seeker/I've been searching low and high/I won't find what I'm after/'till the day I die..."

"What people who hate Western animation think the whole genre is like."

"Devoid of more source material to butcher, the filmmakers apparently decided to ignore what had come before and knock-off Power Rangers."

"The previous film ended with Bastian flying off into Fantasia to recreate the entire magical realm from a single grain of sparkly power, but now he's back at home, living with his single dad again, with no explanation of how or why he came back. Worse yet, he doesn't seem to have grown as a human being from the experience at all."

"Why exactly did this movie turn out so terrible? Well, aside from the poor source material they were working with, it's pretty clear what doomed the movie: they just didn't give a shit."

"Luckily for him, Tolkien died before this movie was made. Had he seen it, I've little doubt he would have hunted down and personally killed everyone responsible for this monstrosity."