Ryan hosts another episode of the Movie Skewer to look at The Golden Compass, based on a novel near and dear to him. New Line scrubbed away the book’s anti-Christian themes when they adapted it into a movie, along with all traces of anything dark or disturbing. Watch as Ryan examines the end result: a bland movie-by-committee where nothing is at stake.

“The thing is, when I see a sacred cow, I get really hungry for a burger!”

“Michael A. Novelli steps up to host the Movie Skewer and take over our coverage of the Twilight Saga: the continuing misadventures of a vacant, passive high school girl, the creepy vampire who controls her, and the werewolf/rapist-in-training who comes between them! In the third installment, Bella and Edward are engaged, which pisses off Jacob, while Victoria organizes an army of “newborn” vampires to kill Bella and get revenge on Edward. So yeah, pretty much the same plot as New Moon, only this time they pay Bryce Dallas Howard to stand around and do nothing.”

“A textbook example of how not to turn a novel into a movie.”

“Can’t say I really blame Aunt Em for wanting to strap Dorothy up to the electroshock machine. WTF kind of stuff is she telling people? Can’t Dorothy just tell them about the cute stuff, like the Lollipop Guild or whatever? I think if she had focused more on the non-creepy aspects of Oz, Aunt Em would be praising her for her creativity and imagination, not sending her off to Dr. Shocker, erm, Worley.”

“This movie was released in—hold onto your hats, folks!—1910, making this the oldest movie to be recapped on the Agony Booth! Yeah, that’s right. This movie is one hundred years old! Eat it, The Adventure of the Wrong Santa Claus! Don’t you be bringing that Wilsonian-era crap into this house!”

“My prediction at the end of my Twilight recap was correct: This movie did indeed suck harder than its predecessor. In fact, it sucked so hard that it made me wonder why I ever liked the first one to begin with.”

“Man, this is just not a good film for Arnold, from a sartorial point of view.”

"No matter how good of a job the director did, and no matter how hard the screenwriters worked, nobody else's talent is ever going to fix the middle-aged woman's disturbing sparkly wank-dream that is Twilight."

"They call me the seeker/I've been searching low and high/I won't find what I'm after/'till the day I die..."

"You've heard of an idiot plot? This movie is an idiot plot fractal. No matter how far down into the details you wallow, you still find a whole new, glorious idiot plot."

"What people who hate Western animation think the whole genre is like."

"The previous film ended with Bastian flying off into Fantasia to recreate the entire magical realm from a single grain of sparkly power, but now he's back at home, living with his single dad again, with no explanation of how or why he came back. Worse yet, he doesn't seem to have grown as a human being from the experience at all."

"Why does there always have to be a 'chosen one'? Why is there always some insanely powerful trinket that can do pretty much anything the wearer wants? Why are fantasy lands always ruled by a single person? And why is that person always either a tyrant—with an army of dark-colored creatures that can't talk—or completely benevolent, causing rainbows and unicorns to appear by his or her mere presence?

"If you're looking for answers to these questions, or at least a fresh take on the old fantasy clichés, this is not the movie for you."

"Every shot is tilted at a different angle. I'd call this 'jarring', but I'd worry about offending jars."

"Why exactly did this movie turn out so terrible? Well, aside from the poor source material they were working with, it's pretty clear what doomed the movie: they just didn't give a shit."

"It's going to nothing you to death!"

"Luckily for him, Tolkien died before this movie was made. Had he seen it, I've little doubt he would have hunted down and personally killed everyone responsible for this monstrosity."

I've been asked to give a synopsis of the 1954 live TV version of Casino Royale, originally seen on the CBS series Climax! Mystery Theater, and now featured as an extra on the DVD of the 1967 movie. Primarily, I'm reviewing this to show that Ian Fleming wasn't high when he wrote the book, and there actually is a coherent story the makers of this version thoughtfully chose to use, more or less. The '67 movie might convince you otherwise, what with its bold choice not to use the book's plot. Or any plot, for that matter.

This show, the third episode of Climax!, was supposedly meant as a pilot for a never-developed James Bond series. But even in this version, many of the details have been changed. James Bond is now an American agent working for the "Combined Intelligence Agency". He's still a very good baccarat player, but he's known here as "Jimmy". Way to kill his coolness quotient.

"Out of all the movies featured in the Agony Booth, this is the only one that your tax dollars helped pay for."

"Just imagine what great films Frank Capra or Fritz Lang might have made had they been allowed to show anal dildo rape on camera."

"Unlike The Man with the Golden Gun, this film is not boring. But then, neither is getting hit in the face with a sledgehammer."

"Looking at the end credits, it turns out the guy eaten next to the Blockbuster was a cameo by screenwriter David Koepp. Fitting punishment, I'd say."

"You know you're in for some quality entertainment when the guy who played 'Lowell' on the sitcom Wings is supposed to be the heavy."