Tagged: The Future is Gonna Suck

VIDEO: Reign of Fire (2002)

As it turns out, dragons are real, and they’ve been hibernating for centuries. Twenty years after they’re awakened, civilization has been all but wiped out, and it’s up to survivors Christian Bale, Matthew McConaughey, and Gerard Butler to take the planet back from the dragons!

VIDEO: Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man (1991)

In the distant future of 1996, a biker named Harley Davidson (Mickey Rourke) and a cowboy named the Marlboro Man (Don Johnson) team up to rob a bank’s armored car, but instead end up with a huge stash of a designer drug called “Crystal Dream”. Now they’re on the run from a corrupt, criminal, murderous bank CEO, also known as “a bank CEO”.

VIDEO: Leprechaun in Space (1997)

The Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) is on a remote planet trying to woo an alien princess and become king, but a less-than-elite team of space marines arrives to stop him. With plenty of homages to Alien and Aliens, this movie is ridiculously over the top, but what were you expecting from the title?

VIDEO: Priest (2011)

After a centuries-long war between humans and vampires, the Church has assumed total control of humanity, with “priests” that are actually elite vampire slayers. Paul Bettany is a veteran priest living an unassuming life, but when vampires kidnap his niece (Lily Collins), he goes to hunt them down, bringing along Karl Urban, Cam Gigandet, and plenty of cool weapons.

VIDEO: Minority Report (2002)

In Steven Spielberg’s overlong, needlessly complicated adaption of a Philip K. Dick short story, the Couch Jumper (AKA Tom Cruise) plays a “precrime” detective who stops murders before they happen with the help of blind, androgynous “precogs” who can see the future.

VIDEO: Atlas Shrugged: Part I (2011)

At long last, it’s the movie adaption of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, now a Tea Partier’s wet dream! The VP of the country’s most important railroad and the owner of the country’s most important steel company join forces to save the economy and answer the burning question (and meme-before-memes-were-a-thing): Who is John Galt?

VIDEO: Double Dragon (1994)

Loosely based on the arcade game of the same name, Double Dragon stars Party of Five‘s Scott Wolf and future Iron Chef host Mark Dacascos as two interracial brothers living in post-apocalyptic Los Angeles in the far-flung year of 2007. With the help of Alyssa Milano, they protect one-half of an ancient Chinese talisman from falling into the hands of crime lord Robert Patrick, who will stop at nothing to reassemble the medallion and gain absolute power.

VIDEO: The Fifth Element (1997)

A force subtly known as the Great Evil threatens the earth, so it’s up to 23rd century cab driver Bruce Willis to bring together four element stones and Milla Jovovich (as the titular Fifth Element) to unleash a Divine Light to stop the Evil. Will they succeed, or be defeated by Gary Oldman’s awful (southern?) accent?

VIDEO: Cherry 2000 (1987)

“This episode, it’s Cherry 2000, a 1987 sci-fi action flick about a man who breaks his robot wife, and hires a redheaded Melanie Griffith to head into the desert wastelands to find him an exact duplicate. If you think the synopsis sounds ridiculous, wait until you actually see it.”