(With special thanks to Dave Szmigiel.) Man, with Power Rangers, a new Alien movie, Planet of the Apes in theaters, and an upcoming Blade Runner movie, as well as the news that the Teen...
They don’t remake films as TV movies for artistic reasons. But even given that, this was a horrible desecration, made with absolutely no understanding of what made the original click or why it’s still loved.
Count Jackula returns from a long absence only to discover that Rob Zombie’s Halloween II is waiting for him. Can he review what many consider to be the worst Halloween film in the entire franchise?
Regardless of any personal misgivings I may have with Disney’s remake enterprise, even the worst ideas can be turned into good movies. So in the unlikely event that Jon Favreau may be reading this, here are five steps I would recommend him to take to make his Lion King roar.
“I’m not sure if the network executives understood the irony of making their 100th ‘original’ TV movie a remake of a largely successful film, but I guess since kids today have never heard of Elisabeth Shue or even know anything about the 1980s, it counts as an ‘original’ idea.”
“The Fly actually managed to be superior to its ‘50s predecessor. This is because it drastically toned down the tongue-in-cheek elements seen in the earlier version.”
“This film really did nothing but confirm the fact that Nicolas Cage doesn’t really care anymore. He’ll take just about any part to pay off his huge debts, and do absolutely nothing with the role.”
“All that’s left now is to quickly get to the obligatory big battle sequence where the movie throws as many guys with guns into the frame as possible, and they all stand around shooting at each other long enough for us to finally end this damn thing.”
“My confidence in British intelligence is dropping by the minute.”
“So there you have it, folks. James Bond, secret agent: killed by a video game.”
“Was this another scene specifically written so as to avoid a potential lawsuit? Does Eon hold the copyright on interesting gadgets?”
“As always: James Bond, the world’s most famous secret agent.”
“It’s a bit like if Christopher Nolan made Batman Begins and decided to cast Adam West.”
“Insomnia isn’t perhaps the movie many hoped for following Memento; It’s a pretty low-key, minor effort compared to the complex, large-scale films Nolan would go on to make.”
Cecil gives the remake of Black Christmas the full “exploring treatment”, with a comprehensive look at a little of the 1974 original and a lot of the 2006 remake.
Sybil judges Dredd! Get it?!
“If you’re going to remake Clash of the Titans, for Zeus’ sake, embrace the silliness!”
“The new RoboCop is a starkly dramatic tale of a man-machine hybrid struggling to retain his humanity. This is actually a pretty interesting concept for a movie. But it doesn’t feel much like RoboCop.”
“And if that sounds crazy, remember that they’re fighting an army from more than 6,000 miles away that just waltzed presumably millions of troops past the world’s most advanced military.”
“While I wouldn’t go so far as to say that it’s one of Steven Spielberg’s best, his version of War of the Worlds is high up there on the rather short list of remakes that are actually better than the originals.”