The film (and perhaps the Wachowskis’ directing career) comes to a perfunctory end as we learn that while being ruler of a galactic empire might be nice, it can never compare to cleaning toilets for a living.
Tagged: Razzie Worst Picture Nominees
Jupiter finally meets the main villain of the film, and it feels like a complete afterthought. But on the plus side, somebody in this movie will win an “award” for his acting.
Jupiter and Titus are about to get married, but to the shock of no one, Titus has sinister motives. Cue “Mrs. Robinson” on the soundtrack as Caine rushes to stop the wedding.
The troubled history of what was once the most expensive movie ever made.
The truth about Premium Abrasax is revealed and it’s exactly what we figured out 30 minutes ago. Also, Titus Abrasax shows his romantic side by trying to get with his mom’s identical twin.
Two writer-directors entrusted with a $175 million budget decide to bring their sci-fi/action film to a dead stop for no good reason. But hey, they got Terry Gilliam to do a cameo!
In which we meet a half-man/half-elephant, and Jupiter confesses her feelings for Caine in the most embarrassingly stupid way possible.
Hint: It involves people. Lots and lots of people. Oh, and get ready for the totally non-shocking reveal about why everyone is so interested in Jupiter.
The yin and yang of arcade-inspired movies. Lets see how they match up!
Jupiter Ascending (2015): a recap (part 5 of 12): Caine is the perfect hunting (and dancing) machine
In which we learn the true origins of the human race, as well as Caine Wise’s tragic backstory, which is uncannily similar to a certain legendary bouncer.
“Are there people who were convinced up until this moment that bees are questioning, doubtful liars?”
“Caine’s just surfing the deferential equation slopes, broham!”
“Was this dialogue written by humans?”
“While it may not be based on an existing property, there’s nothing the slightest bit ‘original’ about this movie’s plot.”
“Based on the critical reception for this movie, and how utterly unoriginal and forgettable it is, I would be appalled, aghast, and amazed if Fox didn’t finally surrender the rights back to its rightful owners.”
“Yet, as a person, I like Jamie Dornan more for not being able to be the twat waffle that Christian is.”
Time to roll out and watch explosions, stereotypes, and awkward bathroom humor galore!
In this follow-up to the super-smash hit, the Fear Fan encounters unusual townsfolk, a burglar alarm that frankly could be worse, a thoroughly confused owl, and the cosmetic magic of Wicca.
“I’m not sure that’s how evolution works, though it’s disheartening to see that Shyamalan thought so much of his silly ‘plants killing humans’ premise of The Happening that he reuses it here.”
Mendo takes on last year’s controversial flop, which recently joined the hallowed ranks of films that have been nominated for both Razzies and Oscars. Also, there’s some stuff about MAGFest at the beginning, and a bunch of absurd silliness scattered throughout that makes very little sense. In retrospect, Mendo may not have been the best person to tackle this film, but tackle it he shall!