NOTE: This article will discuss major spoilers from Season 4 of “Orange Is the New Black”. Like, seriously major. If you haven’t finished bingeing this season, please remove yourself from the rock you’ve been living under and find the nearest Netflix account…
This finale was like my jeans after Thanksgiving dinner, bursting at the seams with good stuff (and not so good stuff), but super satisfying. Long-held theories confirmed? Sure! The demise of people you hated? Check! Creepy kids? Sure! Lyanna Mormont proving she’s cooler than everyone else on the show? Yup!
We’ve been waiting all season for this one. Ramsey DIES! Sansa gets REVENGE! The Starks retake Winterfell! Davos finds a TOY! Dany burns some boats and gets hit on by a girl! Everybody gets their just desserts in GOT’s bloodiest hour to date, except me, because I lost my appetite.
This week on GOT, Arya finally quits her job at Burgerless White Castle, Tyrion reveals his idea for a spinoff series, Tommen screws his mother (but not literally, because only her brother does that now), everybody gossips about how hot Jamie Lannister is, and all the best deaths happen off-screen.
The feds capture an illegal, but will his insides turn to mush before he talks? Someone is looking for Philip. Oleg makes a decision that breaks Tatiana’s heart. Arkday gets some bad news. And Paige makes out with Matt.
This week, Ian McShane becomes Drew Barrymore’s character from Scream. Arya learns to develop a healthy fear of old people. The High Sparrow gets pervy. Everyone’s favorite “canine” character returns to make up for all those dead direwolves. And I choose a new favorite candidate for the Iron Throne.
THE AMERICANS: The Mail Robot Always Beeps Twice (S4 E12 Recap)
This week, Bran fast forwards Warg DVR to reunite with a relative; Arya gives acting notes to a porn star; we meet Sam’s dad Archie Bunker; Tommen becomes the poster child for incest baby brain damage; and Dany gives her pregame speech while on a dragon, because walking is for pussies.
THE AMERICANS: The Curious Incident of the Mail Robot (S4 E11 Recap)
The big day is finally here! Jane is ready to marry Michael (and lose her v-card) but obstacles are in the way: she needs to change her thesis, Xiomara and Rogelio are fighting, and Rafael is secretly in love with her. Will Jane get to say ‘I do’? Or will the hijinks in Telenovela Land keep her from walking down the aisle?
In which Bran Stark, binge-watcher of Warg-DVR, taker of naps, tree-hanger-outer, RUINS EVERYTHING! Also, Sansa throws some much-awaited shade at Little Finger; Arya watches a porn version of Season 1 of GOT; and the winner of the Kingsmoot gets the medieval equivalent of a toilet bowl head-dunk swirly.
Philip shares a childhood memory with Paige. Oleg thinks Tatiana should try new things. Yung Hee can’t figure out what’s wrong with Don. Gabriel makes friends with a librarian. Gaad gets unexpected visitors. Pastor Tim runs out of gas.
Sure we learned whodunit last week, but did he get any help — besides all the agents who were forced to do his bidding? This week the final secrets will be revealed, plus the final locker room scenes, as we say good-bye to all that and Quantico graduates another class.
In which everyone in Westeros experiences something more rare than a double rainbow or boobies that are completely immune to fire damage . . . a good day. Well, at least everyone whose name isn’t Osha, Nameless Dead Dothraki Dudes and Loras with the Bad Hair . . .
The war on magic starts today, folks! Until we decide that we actually like magic. Then, the war on magic ends. And we start a war against something else . . . people with multiple personality disorder, I think. Also, vanilla ice pops. We hate vanilla ice pops!
Philip and Stan play ball. The Jennings watch a very special television movie. Patty babysits. Paige drives. Pastor Tim plans for a trip. And William wonders why he never gets any vacation time.
Looks like we’ll finally find out whodunit in this penultimate Quantico episode, but will the answer satisfy or will it be even more of a drag than The Good Wife finale?
It’s Baby Mateo’s first birthday but there’s too much drama in telenovela land to focus on the cute baby’s day. Petra and Jane compete for the better plan to bring Derek to justice while Michael tries to put himself back on the Sin Rostro/Mutter case. Also, Rogelio’s crew threatens to go on strike and ruin Jane’s upcoming wedding.
This week, we bid farewell to the most adorable of Shaggydog(s) and the most odious of Olliepops. Also, Jon Snow has a small dong. Dany meets a Dothraki Regina George. And Bran realizes that playing Back to the Future could have Butterfly Effect consequences Ashton Kutcher never dreamed of!
You get a Dead Boyfriend! And you get a Dead Boyfriend! And you get a Dead Boyfriend! This week, the writers of Once celebrate Mother’s Day, by murdering a handful of the show’s menfolk. Because, in Storybrook, girls run the world, and boys are just there to look pretty.