Super Friends! “The Mysterious Moles” (part 6 of 8)

Wonder Woman says they need to find the kids (now let’s not be too hasty there), but I really feel now is as good a time as any to point out how odd it is that Wonder Woman is considerably shorter than Batman. I don’t know about you, but when I think “Amazon princess”, I generally expect someone at least at eye level with a dude who’s 6’1”.

They find the trail the kids took, and we cut to the caves, where the Blunder Trio are hauling ass at an upward angle. Wendy hears water, and they stop upon noticing giant mushrooms. Then a writer dressed like Tommy Chong shows up and starts smoking one of them.

Caption contributed by Ed

You know, it occurs to me that Marvin is basically Shaggy drawn without the scraggly beard.

Okay, only kidding. They find a stream and decide to follow it to Molesville, on the off chance that they can get directions back to the surface. Marvin tears the cap off one of the mushrooms, and they hollow it out to make a canoe. As they do this, Marvin reveals that “Some of my most super ideas come from nursery rhymes.”

Sadly, I hear the butcher, baker, and candlestick maker were eaten by a giant sea monster in the middle of their voyage. Not many people know about that version of the rhyme, but from what I hear, Mother Goose was in a rather dark place at the time she wrote it.

Caption contributed by Albert

Picture yourself in a boat on a river…

I’m hoping the moral of this episode is “If you’re a superhero, don’t take in annoying halfwits who fancy themselves detectives. They’ll just drag you down like albatrosses.”

And yes, they managed to run up into a subterranean world. Like everything else on the show, it is, as Mr. Spock would say, highly illogical. Even by the standards of Saturday morning cartoons, it’s a bit of a stretch.

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Back at the power plant, Superman is still super-sitting on his super-ass like a super-putz. He stands and scans the area, talking to himself out loud, naturally, as he spies Max on a mountain, pouring water on some rocks.

Superman: Uh-oh. On that distant ridge, a man wearing mountain climbing gear. Oh well, it’s perfectly normal for a man to wear mountain climbing gear when he’s climbing around in the mountains. I’ll keep watching for a crane-copter.

Yes, keep watching for a vehicle that doesn’t exist, Supes. While you’re at it, I think you might want to seek out a psychiatrist. I hear when you’re talking out loud to nobody, it’s a bad sign. On the plus side, at least you’re not arguing with yourself and losing. I hear that’s when you’re really screwed.

Yes, that’s Superman: Dick, lazy bastard, possible psycho, and almost totally invincible. Sleep tight with that thought, Metropolis. I’ll help with the cleanup effort after he farts and levels half the city.

Caption contributed by Ed

“Unngh, the effort of standing has sapped all my super-strength! Must… sit… down again. Moving… was a bad… choice!”

Back on the mountain, Max pours water on the rocks; evidently, the rocks have already been given their orders, which I’m guessing are roll like hell and gather no moss. Max thanks the rocks politely for their help, and right now I’m just dying for a real villain, please! Give me Joker, Lex Luthor, anybody! Christ, at this point, I’d settle for another amusement park employee in a giant mouse outfit!

Back in the woods, the heroes have located the kids’ bikes. They also find the entrance to Bottomless Cave, which is now an even larger crack than before. Continuity? What’s that?

Super Friends! "The Mysterious Moles" (part 6 of 8)

Down below, the Tard Trio ride down the stream in their mushroom cap. Ted narrates that so far they “have no cause for worry”. You know, except for the part about being hopelessly lost miles beneath the surface of the earth and all. Is it wrong that I’d really like them to run into a bunch of Sleestaks right now? If so, I don’t wanna be right.

They ride around Molesville, marveling at the trees, until they get to a waterfall. Ah yes, sweet Law of Natural Selection, work your magic! Alas, as they speed towards the waterfall, a tree grabs them and carries them up to safety.

Caption contributed by Ed

Chuck Darwin can kiss my ass.

They thank the trees and continue on foot. That’s when they notice a tree walking, and another one scratching itself.

Caption contributed by Ed

What the hell?

The rock next to said scratching tree suddenly begins rubbing up against the tree, and I promise you, this really happens. The fact that I’m writing this while riding a unicycle and talking to a giant caterpillar smoking a bong shaped like Barry Manilow’s head is purely coincidental.

Caption contributed by Ed

Okay, now it makes sense! I’m fine.

Wendy states the obvious plot point about the tree and boulder coming alive, and Marvin says they need to find the Moles. Wendy also notes they should look for an access tunnel.

Marvin asks a tree for permission to climb it so he can get a better view. The tree complies, lifting him up. He spies a tunnel about 60 yards away, but Wonder Dog starts freaking out. They turn and see a large yellow tentacle trying to pull a tree into the water.

Caption contributed by Ed

You know, I never thought of Cthulhu as much of a tree hugger.

Marvin yells that the tree is “my buddy”, and so he gets some rocks lying around (damn lazy geological artifacts!) to help out. They lead the rocks to the tentacle, and we get a long line of rocks bouncing on the tentacle as Marvin and Wendy cheer. Just a hunch, but I’d be willing to bet that the bus these two take to school is very short.

Super Friends! "The Mysterious Moles" (part 6 of 8)

Wendy says, “That’s what I call a real cool rock combo!” Just then, another tentacle shows up and grabs the tree. They call once again for the boulders, but this time, it’s the Super Friends who hear the call.

Ah, finally! Some superhero goodness!

Aquaman springs into action, noting that the lake is “my department”, mainly because “That lake is the only thing making my ass worth a shit in this episode!” wouldn’t fly with ABC Standards & Practices.

Super Friends! "The Mysterious Moles" (part 6 of 8)

He leaps into the water as Robin cries, “Holy sauna baths! Where are we?” You’re in a place where out of the four of you, Aquaman is the most useful right now, Robin. That should make you feel very ashamed. Well, that, and also the dolphin shorts. Put some pants on, man!

Ed Harris

A fan of less than great cinema since childhood, Ed divides his time between writing scripts, working an actual paying job and subjecting himself willingly to some of the worst films society has produced.

Multi-Part Article: Super Friends! "The Mysterious Moles"

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