Super Friends! “The Giants of Doom” (part 2 of 5)

The episode begins in a swamp, with the Darth Vader Helmet resting on the bottom. This must be one deep-ass swamp if something this big can sit down here.

Caption contributed by Ed

The new Hotel de Sith. Come and stay a while… It is your destiny!

Inside, Bizarro is outlining a plan as only he can.

Bizarro: Me have plan destroy Super Friends. Then Legion of Doom be ruler of Earth.

For some reason, we focus on Grodd and Toyman as they listen. Well, Toyman is listening while playing with a Superman doll. Grodd is just glaring at Toyman because… Well, take a look at the freak! You’d stare at that mother, too!

Caption contributed by Ed

“I swear to god, if you don’t put that doll down I will start throwing my crap at you.”

It seems that Bizarro has found a way to turn people into 100 foot tall giants by way of a “ray device”. Because you can’t say “gun” on Saturday morning television, it might give the youth of America ideas.

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Sinestro is intrigued and Bizarro produces a conical flask of bubbling liquid that he got from an asteroid. He says he only needs two other elements in order to complete the device, and once he gets them, he plans to use the Justice League computer to fuse the elements together into a ray.

Wow. Just wow. There is such a high concentrated dosage of stupid insanity in this run of the show, it boggles the mind. I have no idea how a machine that mainly acts as the Justice League’s pager can actually do this. Hell, even the five year olds watching this when it aired were probably going, “This is a stretch. Where are you going with this?”

Bizarro continues, noting he will “turn Legion of Doom into Giants of Doom,” to which Giganta scoffs, saying his plan won’t work, and furthermore, she can already turn into a giant without any of his science crap. She then proceeds to do so, but Bizarro stands firm. Not coherent, but firm.

Bizarro: Me have plan. Trick Super Friends, get to computer, then make giants twice your size!

Luthor is onboard with the plan and gives the go-ahead. It also looks like we don’t have a full house here in the Legion of Doom headquarters, as evidenced by a wide shot.

Super Friends! "The Giants of Doom" (part 2 of 5)

Bizarro and Sinestro head out to get the second element, which turns out to be on the moon. Well, at least the big guys on the team are getting to lead things off. Probably won’t last, though.

Cut to the moon, where a team of astronauts carries out their duties.

Caption contributed by Ed

Am I the only one wondering why they brought their van to the moon?

The villains approach, with Bizarro remarking that the element is at the moon’s core. Sinestro uses his power ring to create a laser to split the moon in two, so they can get to the element.

Wow… on any other show, this part would be the entire episode. Here, it’s just step one in the villain’s plot!

Super Friends! "The Giants of Doom" (part 2 of 5)

The laser begins to cut through the surface, much to the alarm of the astronauts. Making things even worse, the laser is heading right for them. The team leader orders a call to be put out to the Super Friends.

Caption contributed by Ed

“Hell, let the Star Trek guys sue me! I make this logo look good!”

As the beam gets to the station, we cut to the Hall of Justice, where the Dynamic Duo is looking at a forest on the monitor, while the others just sit around doing both jack and shit. Evidently, they don’t patrol or anything, they just sit in the clubhouse all day, probably tormenting Aquaman and Robin like freshmen during pledge week.

An emergency alert comes in from the moon, and the head astronaut Major Thompson briefs them. One would think he’d be too busy evacuating his crew and making lunar fudge in his spacesuit to be much help, but he appears to be able to multitask quite nicely.

The transmission cuts out abruptly, and Superman notes they need to act fast. No shit, spaceman. Batman volunteers to join Superman using the Bat-Rocket, taking Robin along, because you never know when you’ll need to pull someone in front of you to catch a laser beam. Oh right, like you never wanted to do that? Don’t even try to deny it!

Superman and the Dynamic Duo race to the moon, just as the moon is almost cut in two. The astronauts are still standing around in the base like dumbasses, exclaiming, “We’ll be hurled into space!” If this is the caliber of intellect they’re sending up into space, it’s no wonder the space program has gone to shit.

The cutting is complete, and the moon is split in two. Needless to say, the ramifications of the moon being loosened from orbit (which being cut in half would surely do), and the ensuing shit storm our little planet would suffer as a result isn’t brought up. So I guess this episode has a lot in common with Space: 1999.

Caption contributed by Ed

Damn!

I’m no scientist, but I’m fairly certain that if your moon loses orbit, you can pretty much cancel whatever plans you had for the day, because you are well and truly about to get FUBARed.

With the core exposed, Bizarro and Sinestro fly to the element, which just so happens to be sitting right there in the core, glowing radiantly.

Caption contributed by Ed

Great, another Katie Couric news special where we explore her colon. Just what we needed!

Bizarro grabs the rock, noting that the destruction of the moon is a small price to pay for the stuff. Meanwhile, Batman and Robin race to the scene.

Caption contributed by Ed

“Bizarro not let Super Friends find this! Will hide up ass for long as possible!”

Our heroes see the floating astronauts on their monitor, and after the obligatory stating of the obvious, Batman radios Superman to tell him they’ll get the astronauts while he does the rest. Well, yeah. Can you picture these two dunces trying to take on a guy who just split the moon in half, and an alternate version of Superman? Jesus, the carnage that would ensue is enough to make even me grimace!

Super Friends! "The Giants of Doom" (part 2 of 5)

Superman goes to fix the moon, while the Bat-Rocket speeds to the astronauts, getting them to safety by way of the Electronic Bat-Hoist. This turns out be a yellow tractor beam that reels the astronauts in.

Come to think of it, it’s the same effect used for Sinestro’s power ring! Cheap bastards.

Super Friends! "The Giants of Doom" (part 2 of 5)

And how does Superman put the moon back together? Why, he just pushes on one half, slams it into the other half, and welds them back together with his heat vision. It’s as simple as that!

Super Friends! "The Giants of Doom" (part 2 of 5)

Hope he got the orbit right.

Ed Harris

A fan of less than great cinema since childhood, Ed divides his time between writing scripts, working an actual paying job and subjecting himself willingly to some of the worst films society has produced.

Multi-Part Article: Super Friends! "The Giants of Doom"

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