Apr 17, 2018
Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt (part 2 of 2)
ROUND 2: CHERRY CHARGE
SUMMARY: Why is God punishing me?
The score so far: Steven Seagal and his fucked-up Asian berries: 1, Me: 0.
So I had to go to a totally different 7-Eleven to get this flavor of Lightning Bolt. Yes, after the Asian Experience, I actually drove around town for an hour to find another can of this stuff. I think the years of working on this website have warped me beyond repair.
I finally tracked down Cherry Charge at this one 7-Eleven where it was kept in the coldest possible refrigerator case. I swear, the thermostat was in Kelvin. I even had to let the can sit in my car for two or three hours, so it could warm up to a balmy 50 degrees below zero Fahrenheit. Although, considering the contents on the label, perhaps the proprietor of that particular 7-Eleven was just being cautious.
Unfortunately, as soon as I cracked open the can, I knew this flavor would be just as grueling as the last. Not only did it appear to contain all the ingredients that made Asian Experience so horrifying, but there was also the added odor of cherry Robitussin. That was about when I figured it out: “Cherry Charge” was nothing more than cherry-flavored Asian Experience. So in addition to Death In A Can, we now have Cherry-Flavored Death In A Can.
My first sip confirmed that yes, this was indeed the liquefied equivalent of a cherry flavored ashtray. However, I was able to see the positives in this. I mean, the flavor still made me feel like I was being hit by a tazer, but the cherry did cover up some of the nicotine aftertaste, making it marginally more tolerable.
After my third sip, I had endured over twenty combined chugs of this poison. I began to believe that if there is a Hell, there must be an open bar there, and this is the only drink they serve. In fact, there may be nothing else there: No flames, no whips, no tortured souls howling. Just Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt, Cherry Charge flavor. The rest of Hell probably looks like Pittsburgh.
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I tried to make the next few sips bigger, again under the misguided impression that I could finish the whole can before dying. Believe me, my stomach was not at all happy during this phase of the struggle. Note to self: Do not wash down an In-N-Out burger with a beverage bearing the name of an overweight martial arts action star. In fact, Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt may only be suitable as a chaser to Clorox, in case you don’t have any ipecac handy.
Around the seventh sip, I nearly admitted defeat. I was honestly considering pouring the rest of this poison down the drain, but then I stopped myself, reasoning that it could do some truly evil things to the plumbing in my building, or to the city’s sewage system as a whole. Not willing to take that risk, I soldiered on.
By around the ninth sip, I don’t know if it was just me losing my mind or what, but I began to detect faint traces of gasoline. I was feeling ill by this point, no joke at all.
On the next sip, I pulled it together. I realized that if I focused on the cherry flavor only, there was a good chance I would survive this, with my dinner still in my stomach. As horrible as this stuff was, I knew it couldn’t compare to a Double-Double with onions coming back up.
Sip #13 brought what most alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity: I was finally able to say exactly what Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt, Cherry Charge flavor is, essentially.
It’s a cherry Tootsie Roll pop, that has been liquefied, carbonated, and poured into a can. Except, the Tootsie Roll center has been replaced with a big hunk of unprocessed tobacco leaves. Sort of like that “tomacco” plant from The Simpsons.
Mostly, it was the cherry flavor that allowed me to make it through the final three sips without begging for mercy from a higher power. Again.
You know what’s the best part of all this? I got absolutely no energy from drinking two cans of this stuff. None at all. Zero. Caffeine may be “cheap”, as the site says, but at least it works.
Speaking of that site, I got more of a charge clicking through and reading all the hilarious, incomprehensible copy. Like this:
The name Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt was an inevitable afterthought. When Steven Seagal finished creating a drink that holds untold natural power, there was only one equivalent in nature- The Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt. Both mysterious and powerful, it is a symbol of the untold energy the earth has to offer- Such is Steven Seagals [sic] Lighting Bolt energy drink.
I love that A) they admit the name of the drink was a total afterthought (ah crap, what do we call this shit?), B) they refer to him as “The Steven Seagal”, and C) they insinuate that they named Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt after… Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt. Well, that sure clears everything up.
The site also promises that a free DVD about the drink will be offered soon. I’m fucking depressed now, because I know that will never happen.
Steven’s bio on the site begins with the headline “STEVEN SEAGAL – Energy Drink Formulator”. Is there really a person alive who can’t see the comedy in that?
After endless pages that talked about the “infinite wisdom of Steven Seagal”, and how Lightning Bolt was a way for Steven to “share his wisdom and experience of energy with the world,” I gave up. There had been enough suffering for one day.
Well, there is one last thing I noticed. There’s a graphic on the site that shows three cans of Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt. Yes, three cans of three different flavors. It seems that in addition to Asian Experience and Cherry Charge, there’s a third flavor, not (yet) commercially available. Want to know the name of it? Are you sitting down? Did you make sure there are no sharp instruments within arm’s reach?
It’s called “Root Beer Rush”. [!!!!] So at one point, they were planning to (or perhaps, they still are planning to) add root beer flavoring to this mixture of Robitussin, gasoline, and tobacco. You heard it here first, folks. My God, I threw up in my mouth just reading that.
Will I try this Root Beer Rush, if and when it’s ever released? Get back to me in a week or two. By then, if I’ve started squinting and suddenly grown a ponytail, then Root Beer Rush might be the only substance that can destroy me and put me out of my misery.