Star Trek “And the Children Shall Lead...” (part 5 of 5)
Once they get to Auxiliary Control, Kirk goes to Scotty and orders him to override bridge navigation controls, but suddenly Scotty gets all obsessive-compulsive on him:
Scotty: These are very sensitive instruments! I will not have ya upset their delicate balance! We would all be lost, forever lost!
In response, Kirk and Spock nearly roll their eyes at each other. Then they turn and see Token Black Kid giving them the fist pumping action from behind the hexagonal grating, complete with that obnoxious blaring music cue. Scotty tells Kirk to “Go away now. Go away, or we’ll kill ya!” Kirk tries to reason with Scotty, describing Jon Voight’s plan to go to Marcus XII and kill millions of people. After a shot of Black Kid pumping his fist which accomplishes… well, nothing actually, Kirk makes a try for the controls.
He gets wrestled away by Redshirts, and after a momentary brawl, Kirk and Spock run out. Outside, Kirk says he’s alright, and that “my beast is finished. It won’t return.” Okay, why not? Why is it that Kirk and Spock are the only ones who can overcome the MasTurbo Power by sheer force of will? Other than the fact that they’re the stars of the show, I mean.
Anyway, Spock says that as long as the children are onboard, there is great danger, but Kirk quickly plays this down, saying that they’re just “children being misled!” [?] Uh, Captain? Fist pumping action? Making your whole crew freak out? Remember that?
Spock says they’re not just children, “They are followers”. This gives him the opportunity to spout more melodramatic nonsense like, “Without followers, Evil cannot spread!” These have to be the most incomprehensible statements about Evil I’ve heard since Exorcist II: The Heretic.
Kirk is still incredulous for some reason, and continues to point out that they’re just children. Spock repeats himself a little more forcefully, which for some reason causes Kirk to finally get it. Kirk admits that there’s a chance they may have to kill the children in order to save the ship.
Suddenly, Tommy shows up on the scene, along with his new best friend Lobotomized Chekov and a couple of Redshirts. Chekov attempts to put Kirk and Spock under arrest, saying that the order came directly from Starfleet Command. Kirk tries to talk some sense into Chekov, but Chekov awkwardly pulls out his phaser. Tommy jacks off as Chekov robotically says, “Do not force me to keell you, sir. I weell, if I haff to!”
Eventually, we see Chekov getting really anal-retentive about never disobeying an order. So, what I’m getting here is that all the MasTurbo Power does is make people really obsessive-compulsive (Spock was anal about not bothering Starfleet, Scotty is anal about the ship’s “delicate” controls, Uhura is obsessing over her looks, etc.). So, um, why am I not cowering in awe of this amazing ability? Anyway, after a short screaming match between Kirk and Chekov (during which the Redshirts just stand there calmly watching), Spock busts out the Klepto Fu and karate chops the phaser out of Chekov’s hand.
Another brawl breaks out, and Tommy keeps jacking off as stunt doubles writhe around in the corridor. Spock uses the Vulcan Nerve Pinch to disable one security guard, and Kirk punches out the other. Chekov is just lying on the floor the whole time, so comically, it looks like that one karate chop was all it took to knock him out cold. Spock picks up the phaser, and as soon as Tommy sees this, he hauls ass out of there.
Kirk tells Spock to take all three men to detention and then join him on the bridge. Chekov and the Redshirts all lumber off, with one Redshirt poorly putting on a fake limp. Which means, of course, that the actor is lamely acting lame.
Cut to the Bridge, where Tommy is sitting in the captain’s comfy chair. Around him, Uhura is still not getting a grip on herself, and oddly, Sulu is looking pretty calm for a guy who thinks he’s floating through large circles of knives. Kirk enters and yells at Tommy that the crew will not, in fact, be taking them to Marcus XII. Mary is on the bridge too, and she starts annoyingly chanting, “They will! They will!” Tommy takes a swipe at Kirk, but Kirk picks the two kids up and literally puts them in line.
Kirk demands to see their “friend”, and learns he only appears when the kids call him, but Tommy says they won’t do that. Kirk calmly sits in his chair and begins employing reverse psychology. He asks what their “leader” is afraid of, and both kids yell that he’s not afraid of anything, but Kirk says, “He’s afraid to be seen!” Kirk says that if the crew saw him, they’d realize he wasn’t their friend. Uh, like, didn’t the crew already see him when he materialized right there on the bridge?
Tommy still refuses, but unfortunately for him, Spock shows up at this exact moment and Kirk has him play back a recording of the chant the kids sang to summon the alien. However, we get a defining moment of Turd Season sloppiness when Kirk suddenly refers to the alien as “the Gorgan”, even though no one’s called it a “Gorgan” until now.
Spock slips a Chance card into a slot, and sure enough, the bridge is filled with the “Friendly Angel” chant. For no particular reason (other than It’s In The Script), the rest of the kids suddenly show up. They stand with Tommy and Mary as the green glowing dude slowly materializes. Kirk strolls on over and, obviously high on something, says, “The time has come to see the world as it is. [?]” We then hear the Gorgan’s deep baritone say, “Who has summoned me?” Who wishes to speak to the Great Oz?
Kirk says his “beast is gone” and he’s now back in command. The Gorgan insists that he’s the one who’s really in command, because his followers are “strong”. The Gorgan says that’s why they “take what is ours wherever we go!” Spock feels compelled to add, “You take from those who do not know you.” Uh, what? Would it be better if they only took from their good friends?
Kirk says, “And… we… know you!” The Gorgan fires back that if that’s true, they know he “must win”, and if they try to resist, “you will be destroyed!” The Gorgan considers inviting Kirk to join him, but thinks better of it because Kirk is “gentle”. Kirk says he’s also strong, but the Gorgan counters with, “Your strength is cancelled by your gentleness!” Damn those Catch-22s! Anyway, according to the Gorgan, Kirk is like the parents on Troyaikman, and therefore he must be “eliminated”.
Kirk tells Spock to show the kids pictures of themselves when they were on Troyaikman, which must be the “scenes of family life” that Spock mentioned earlier. The Gorgan yells, “I forbid it!” but Spock uses Kirk’s reverse psychology angle too, asking what he’s afraid of. This shuts the Gorgan up, and Spock proceeds to play the home movies.
On the viewscreen above him, we see the kids playing dodge ball or something with their parents. The kids watch these movies and get smiles on their faces. Then they glance over at the Gorgan looking stressed out, but they just ignore him and continue to happily watch the movies. Then in some kind of twisted joke, Spock abruptly switches to footage of the parents all lying dead on the ground.
The Gorgan launches into damage control mode, reminding the kids that the parents wouldn’t transport them, and that’s why they had to be eliminated. But this sweet talk comes too late. Spock puts on another movie, this one of the parents’ tombstones. There’s a shot of each tombstone, followed by a close-up of the associated kid with fake tears rolling down his or her face.
Meanwhile, the Gorgan is still trying to get through to the kids, calling them his “future generals” who will lead his “armies of followers”. He yells at them to go to their posts, and tells them that they will “exterminate all who oppose us!” Tough love is not doing the trick, however, and the kids just continue to cry uncontrollably. The Gorgan shouts, “Our purity of purpose cannot be contaminated by those who disagree!” But somehow, this kind of talk fails to win over ten year old kids.
Kirk picks up Mary, and tells all the kids to have a good look at the Gorgan. A close-up reveals big herpes warts materializing on his face. After another shot of Kirk gloating, we cut back to the Gorgan, and more makeup warts have been applied to his face. Soon, his face is full-on melting, but he continues yelling threats at the kids.
Kirk tells the kids to see how ugly he is, then we cut back to the Gorgan, who’s now a Salvador Dali painting with one eye on his cheek. He screams “Death to you all! Death to you all!” until he finally fades out. As soon as he’s gone, the swords in Sulu’s vision disappear and he’s instantly calm. Then we see Uhura gleefully touching her face, so I guess she’s free of that illusion now, too.
Just then, Dr. McCoy makes an appearance. Okay, where in the hell was he while all this was going on? I bet he was really pissed about Kirk shooting down his keg analogy, and decided to just stay in his room all day getting drunk. Anyway, he sees the kids are all crying and remarks that it’s “good to see!” No thanks to you, Bones.
Kirk hands Mary off to McCoy, who says, “We can help them now!” Kirk sits in his chair just in time to hear Sulu yell, “Marcus XII, dead ahead, sir!” Wow, so I guess they like, made it just in time or something. Good thing they didn’t tell us that sooner, that might have actually generated some suspense in this episode.
Kirk tells Sulu to reverse course as McCoy leads the kids into the turbolift. Then we get our standard episode-closing group shot, and Uhura even hands Kirk a clipboard [?]. Uh, why does she need to have him sign something? Is it her prescription for Botox? Anyway, now that disaster has been averted, Kirk tells Sulu to set a course for Starbase 4. The end.
Um… Kirk? Not to bother you with trivial details or anything, but do you remember those two Redshirts still on Troyaikman? You know, the ones you tried to beam up when you didn’t know the ship had left orbit? Just out of curiousity, any plans to go back for them anytime soon?
No? Oh well. I guess it’s all in a day’s work when you’re a Redshirt.