Star Trek “And the Children Shall Lead...” (part 3 of 5)

As Kirk and Spock watch the recording of Prof. Starnes, the turbolift doors swish open, and Tommy emerges, escorted by a Redshirt security guard. Okay, what? Why would the security guard bring Tommy to the bridge? Yeah, I know. The kids are probably now “controlling” the crew just like Jon Voight asked them to, but that certainly was abrupt.

Anyway, Tommy sees Kirk and Spock watching his father’s log entry. He then begins pumping his fist up and down, and it’s a gesture that, to put it mildly, is definitely open to other interpretations. Interpretations along the lines of, say, “doing the five-knuckle shuffle”. Or “shaking the snake”. Or “jerking the turkey”. Or “dating Rosie Palm and her five sisters”. Or “tenderizing the tube steak”. Or “polishing the purple people pleaser”. If you get what I mean. And if not, I’ve got plenty more where those came from.

Anyway, we hear the sound effect of the Six Million Dollar Man running, and suddenly Dr. Starnes’ log entry dissolves into static. (Scrambled adult channels… of the future!) Spock starts randomly pushing buttons on his console, but he has no idea what just went wrong. Kirk turns around and Tommy’s like, right in his face. Tommy asks Kirk to take them to Marcus XII, claiming he has relatives there. Kirk says Marcus XII isn’t in their “patrol area” and that they’ll be taken to a Federation Starbase instead.

Then comes an exchange of dialogue rife with innuendo. Or at least, in my own sick mind it’s rife with innuendo. Kirk turns to Spock and says, “We’ll pursue this in my quarters!” Oh, will they? Tommy asks, “Can I stay here and watch?” Oh boy, I’m not touching that one. He then promises, “I’ll be very quiet!” But maybe Kirk wants you to make a little noise, Tommy. Kirk, for no reason really, allows Tommy to just hang out on the bridge while he and Spock head for the turbolift. And, as we all know, letting an annoying kid hang out on the bridge is a gesture that would later become known as “The Picard Maneuver”.

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As Kirk and Spock leave, Kirk tells Uhura to contact Dr. McCoy and have him join them in Kirk’s quarters for “a brief conference”. [Joke about threesomes deleted.] Then we see Tommy just standing there, scanning around the bridge like he’s looking for something to break. He eventually wanders on over and stands behind Sulu and Chekov. They say pleasantries, and both Sulu and Chekov turn back to their consoles.

Tommy suddenly starts using his MasTurbo Power, pumping his fist up and down. He metaphysically spooges all over Sulu, who suddenly looks woozy and starts unwisely flipping switches and pushing buttons at random. He reaches down to crank a device that looks like a turntable needle on a clear orange vinyl LP. I’m guessing that was the “leave orbit” switch, because we get an exterior shot of the Enterprise slowly cruising away from Troyaikman.

We cut back to Tommy jacking off behind Chekov, but he stops when another Redshirt escorts Mary onto the bridge. The two give each other broad winks, and Tommy asks Sulu and Chekov about the image of Troyaikman that “mysteriously” is still on the viewscreen. He wonders if they’ll see it the whole time they’re here. “Yes, we will,” a lobotomized Chekov replies. “All the time we’re here.” I think he’s ready for his medication now.

Then the two kids quietly explain to each other that Troyaikman isn’t really on the screen, and Lobotomized Chekov just thinks it’s there. Thanks, but we got that. Uhura turns around and is shocked to find that they’ve left orbit. She screams at Sulu, but Sulu just sits there looking way too content with his life. Let’s just say he’s not contemplating any career changes anytime soon.

Star Trek "And the Children Shall Lead..." (part 3 of 5)

Or “fisting his mister”. Or “flogging the bishop”. Or “squeezing the salami”. Or “doing the Hand Solo”. Or…

Tommy spins around and gives Uhura the MasTurbo gesture, so that she too can see Troyaikman on the screen. Uhura sits down and gets a look on her face like maybe she should just stick that thing in her ear and keep quiet from now on.

Mary asks Tommy if they’ll reach Marcus XII soon, but unfortunately she’s calling it “Marcos XII”. Tommy says “Very soon”, and the two look extremely pleased. After a particularly awful, unbelievably blurry bluescreen shot of the Enterprise flying through space, we cut to Token Black Kid down in a room that we’ll later learn is “Auxiliary Control”, but is obviously just a redressed piece of the Engineering set. Apparently, Black Kid has got the MasTurbo Power as well, because he starts pumping his fist behind the red hexagonal grating.

This causes (I think) some Redshirts to start pushing random buttons, so Black Kid quickly slinks away, looking very glum for some reason. Scotty wanders into Engineering—ah, Auxiliary Control, sorry—with a big clipboard. He sees that the ship’s changed course, but denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, because all the Redshirts insist that they’re still in orbit.

Scotty angrily yells, “Have ya gon’ complet’ly blind?” No, but the kids will, if they keep doing what they’ve been doing. Scotty reaches for the control panel, but the Redshirt stops him, saying they must maintain their present course until the bridge orders them to do otherwise. “Ya blind fewl!” Scotty burrs. He tries to convince the Redshirt that they’re no longer in orbit, prompting the guy to get up and strike an intimidating pose.

Scotty suddenly slams the Redshirt against a wall and goes to the control panel, but the other Redshirt runs over and puts Scotty in a hold. You know, I really have to say, the work environment on the Enterprise doesn’t seem to be the best. Personally, I’m not sure how long I’d stay at a job where it was this easy to provoke a fistfight.

Scotty decks Redshirt #2, but Redshirt #1 returns and strikes Scotty in the back, which instantly knocks him out cold. With that little task completed, the Redshirt calmly sits back down at his control panel. Yep, just another normal day at the office, I guess.

Multi-Part Article: Star Trek "And the Children Shall Lead..."

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