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VIDEO: Star Trek: The Next Generation - A XXX Parody (2011)

Yes, there’s a much-too-accurate porn parody of Star Trek: The Next Generation, where Riker bones Troi, Data bones Tasha Yar, Dr. Crusher does a special favor for Picard (played by Patrick Stewart’s long-lost clone), and Dr. Winston O’Boogie is the only reviewer with enough useless knowledge of TNG to bring it to you! But never fear, because your friendly neighborhood Porn Critic makes a cameo, and lets the Doctor run wild with his very own installment of Action Figure Theatre starring Wesley Crusher!

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TV Show: Star Trek: The Next Generation

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  • Wait, there is more than one Enterprise?

    I’d say something about this movie, but I haven’t been able to stop laughing at the Star Trek dolls segment XD

    DENNY CRANE

    • MichaelANovelli

      Yeah, Star Trek is a lot like Doctor Who: to an outsider, most of it sounds stupid and made up…

      • Jay_Bay

        Seriously, I tried many times, but that damn technobabble….

        • Thomas Stockel

          I guess that is why The Original Series will always be my favorite in that there is a minimum of technobabble. Sadly it looks so dated now that many people can’t take TOS seriously.

          • Sofie Liv

            Oh I love both Doctor who and Star Trek!

            But you gotta be in the mood of things and accept the shows for what they are, they are “High concept adventure.” shows where it’s about the fun first and all the deeper stuff only second.

            And yep, I love the TOS series for how they handle the techno stuff, it’s just. “How does this work?” “I don’t know.” *Moves on with actual plot* X)

            I think McCoy has the record for any Trek character to say. “I don’t know.” the most times, and btw, every single time he says. “Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor not a ******” that’s just another way of saying. “I don’t know.”

            Also.. just count all the times Scottie says. “I fixed it captain!” he never explains how, he just fix’s it. That’s so lovely.

            Later series are really shooting itself in the foot by trying to sound smart, by making up lots of words. I mean.. you are making the ship go faster right? good, then just say that! the highest level Doctor who obtained in techno babble is. “I reversed the polarity of the neutrion flaw! so I fixed it!” doesn’t mean shit, but it’s fun when he says it, he basically just fixed what-ever with his magical sonic screwdriver X)

          • The Doctor is best when he skips even trying to explain things and just goes with, “Wibbly-wobbly timey-whimey.”*

            *Note for any Danes reading: those words don’t really mean anything in English either.

          • Jay_Bay

            But damn it sounds awesome

          • Sofie Liv

            Oh I know, i speak English pretty well.

            “No, time is not linear, it’s more, timey wimey, squishy wishy, bobly wubbly. You see?” “….”

            Code for. “The writers have no idea, they just write what-ever that fits todays episode.”

          • Muthsarah

            “But you gotta be in the mood of things and accept the shows for what
            they are, they are “High concept adventure.” shows where it’s about the
            fun first and all the deeper stuff only second.”

            I can’t speak for Doctor Who, but I think Trek’s at its best when it plays things seriously, and I’ve gotten the (rare) impression most of the other fans feel likewise. TNG episodes like “The Inner Light”, “The Best of Both Worlds”, “Pegasus”, “Tapestry”, “The Defector”, “The Wounded”, “The Measure of a Man”, and “Yesterday’s Enterprise” are among the soberest, darkest, and most serious episodes. Throw in DS9’s “Duet”, “For the Uniform”, “In the Pale Moonlight”, and too many others to mention, and you get a pretty strong correlation between the serious episodes and the popular ones. However, none of these episodes rely on technobabble to sell the plot. That’s a trick used by weaker writers to patch together a script that fundamentally doesn’t work on its own. Like every single Holodeck episode. Or the thirty-nine (I’m guessing) episodes where they create a gravimetric field by shooting an inverse tachyon beam off the deflector dish and the resulting chronotons….do something. Yeah, that stuff doesn’t work on any level.

            Of course, there are some fun episodes that are popular. Usually, though, the episodes that aim for “silly” miss and end up hitting “stupid”. A lot of the early TNG episodes (complete with comic relief characters and comedic musical cues), and most of the Ferengi-based DS9 episodes, tried for this, and few of them are popular with anyone.

            It’s only TOS that needs the “fun” angle to make it work, since most episodes are either cheesy to the core or just too dated values-and/or-effects-wise to work today. To have any chance of enjoying them, you do HAVE to be in the mood for fun.

          • Sofie Liv

            It’s still a high concept show, and you can allow these high concept things to tell about high concept, metaphorical ideas.

            The inner light, is very much a high concept episode, if it’s not advanced technology making that plot possible, it would have to be magic. And you can use this high concept stuff to explore human nature and so on.

            Does this mean the show should take itself less seriously? Of cause not! I wouldn’t want any show to just stop taking itself seriously.

            But have just a grant of self awareness now and then, and realise you are fighting.

            “An alien warrior race whom drinks beverages as were they marvel vikings and will rather fight with bafflets than stunners.”

            And without this concept having just some sort of fun-factor, some sort of. “We have a space-ship and we go boldly to where no man has gone before! WEEE!” Factor, the show ends up taking itself far to seriously and siezes being any good. *cough voyager, cough*

            You see for me “Fun.” is not just about comedy, it’s also about some-one jumping off a roof-top and swinging in a chandelier, to me that’s fun to. being in a space-battle, all fun stuff!

            Say what you want, but Kirk starting to hit the alien races on the nose while going into a hand to hand combat with them. Or Data looking at some human interaction clearly understanding sip of it, that’s fun stuff, and it needs to be a mainly funny joyful ride for the audience, occasionally going darker places to obtain greater world and character depth, but only when the plot or characters naturally moves over there, and then we need to move back again before long.

            Like it or not, Star Trek always had a lot of silly things in it, that’s the nature of the show, but also part of what makes it so compelling to begin with. That it has an extra layer when it becomes good, is only good.

            Though I do admit, whereas Star Trek is mainly an action show with only occasional comedy. Doctor who is equal comedy and action show, and the comedy fun factor is more obvious and more important in doctor who to make it work.

          • Muthsarah

            “The inner light, is very much a high concept episode, if it’s not
            advanced technology making that plot possible, it would have to be
            magic. And you can use this high concept stuff to explore human nature
            and so on.”

            Absolutely. The best episodes all have their high-concept elements to them, they just don’t dwell on them or try to explain them to everybody. Tapestry? Q has magic, shut up and accept it. Inner Light? The probe hits Picard with….technology…shut up! Best of Both Worlds? Borg….science….Picard…and then, Crusher…cures him…with science….shut up! Like you say, they just mention something happened and move on. The best episodes are approachable to everyone since they have solid stories that could totally work outside the Trek universe and speak to universal themes using plain language. I don’t think we’re disagreeing about this point.

            “An alien warrior race whom drinks beverages as were they marvel vikings”

            You mean prune juice? That’s a warrior’s drink. :p

            “And without this concept having just some sort of fun-factor, some sort
            of. ‘We have a space-ship and we go boldly to where no man has gone
            before! WEEE!'”

            Yeah, it’d be pretty fun if they were this self-consciously goofy. But I guess I’ll have to content myself with this:

            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3rFNbSKpEE

            That will always be beautiful to me.

            Oh, I get that Trek is silly sometimes. I’ve just gathered the impression that most fans (and it’s rare that I find myself in a majority, so I’m gonna make a big deal about it!) prefer the more serious episodes. Those are the ones that tend to get talked about and end up on people’s Top Whatever lists, at least.

            “Say what you want, but Kirk starting to hit the alien races on the nose while going into a hand to hand combat with them.”

            Kirk fighting the Gorn will ALWAYS be fun. He throws a styrofoam rock at a rubber-headed lizard-man’s face, and it just bounces off while we hear fake hissing noises come from off-screen. That’s fun. In a stupid way.

          • Sofie Liv

            I do think it’s a genneral thing with writing any-thing really, that you use comedy to make up a point, ease the tension or lighten up the mood, then make the more dark aspects look that much stronger in comparison to the comedy.

            Just take the play I am currently inovled with, the first script was dead serious and there was no humour in it at all, then I came along and said. “Psst, put in some dark jokes, like this.” and now we have a lot of smaller funny moments which makes the script stronger, at least in my opinon.

            Did that change the initial story, themes or lessons of the story? no, it didn’t, it merely made it easier to digest.

            And trek, doesn’t lend itself to straight comedy.. it does not. It tried a couple of times and failed.

            What it lends itself well to his high concept philosophical stories, which a little touch of comedy to make it fun.

            And between that, we have tons of funny stuff going on with space-battles, combat situations, snouty ambassadors and stuff.

            It is of cause a given that any writer should know when to break tension with comedy and when not to do it, when to take the story absolutely seriously and when not to do it.

            The borg episodes, took themselves and the borg, one hundred percent seriously, that’s the only way to make them scary.

            Same way Doctor who always takes his Daleks serious when they come, so it’s. “Holy shit! Daleks, oh no!” it’s still a fun show, but it takes itself serious when it should!

            I’m just say.. mix it up! and know what to do what! As I always say when writing some-thing, start out light! say hallo and welcome with a smile and a pleasent greeting, making the audience comfortable, lure them in with fun and comfort…. then sweep the carpet away from under their feets, ones they all-ready are engaged, and STUN them! that’s what really stands out.

            You can’t do that right away, you need to build up some nice cosy familiarity first.

            And then a last, end on a fun high note so the audience can feel good about itself when it leaves.

            Screen-writing, one oh one. start out light and fun, then first later go serious and ‘holy crap’ end on a fun high note, mix it up and use the elements to support each other and make each other stand out 😉

          • Bob_in_Baltimore

            To quote the Doctor: “This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ‘ding’ when there’s stuff.” Or, to quote one of the TNG producers when asked by a fan how the Heisenberg Compensator (part of the transporter system) works: “It works very well, thank you.”

            Yes, science fiction shows tend to work best when they keep the technobabble to a minimum. This is one reason (among very many) that I enjoyed “Babylon 5” so much- they didn’t bog things down by explaining how the technology works. We learn early on that humans don’t have artificial gravity, which is why the space station has to rotate on its axis to generate centrifugal force, and why the largest Earthforce ships have rotating sections. Large ships of the advanced alien races (specifically the Minbari) don’t have these rotating sections, but it wasn’t commented on; the audience was left to deduce that these species had developed artificial gravity, which was later confirmed in dialogue. Even then, they don’t spend 5 pages of dialogue and introduce three new kinds of particles to explain it; it’s just “This is an advanced technology that Earth would like to acquire.” Or, if I may give another quote to illustrate the correct approach to technobabble:

            Captain Sheridan: “Mr. Lennier! Get us the hell out of here!”
            Lennier: “Aye, Captain. Commencing ‘getting the hell out of here’ maneuver.”

            No “Increase power to main starboard impeller while decreasing torque to the stators to create autochthonous plantagenets”- just tell us we need to escape, and say we’re doing it. (And if it’s a funny line that fits in with how the character of Lennier is somewhat less than respectful to SHeridan, so much the better.) It’s okay to include some tech-speak, but it should be minimal, and if possible reasonably related to real science. In one “Babylon 5” episode, Doctor Franklin gives a fairly detailed description of how nerve impulses travel across synapses, but it’s justified because a) that information is key to explaining why the plague is affecting certain species on the station but not others, and b) it is actually a correct description of how synapses work. Well, sorry to gush so much about “Babylon 5”, I just really love that show and hardly anyone discusses it anymore.

          • Muthsarah

            One thing I’ve long wanted to know was: How serious was TOS taken by those who knew the franchise pre-TNG? TNG was my introduction, and I learned to love the franchise through it and DS9. TOS was, at first, a silly predecessor, iconic, but not to be taken seriously. Over time, I’ve come to appreciate the old series somewhat (I still can’t take it seriously, I can only enjoy it for the cheese and give it allowances for its dated-ness), but it will never be MY Trek.

            Were you a Trek fan before TNG took off? If so, was TOS a serious thing, or did it always have a tongue-in-cheek kind of “fun”, simple quality?

          • $36060516

            “was TOS a serious thing, or did it always have a tongue-in-cheek kind of ‘fun’, simple quality?”

            Not sure where you’d get the idea that it was tongue-in-cheek. Roddenberry approached his social commentary goals with the series with dead earnestness, despite there being comedic moments and certain episodes with comedic themes. There are about as many dated/cheesy aspects to every other Star Trek TV show and movie that’s been made, and it will certainly be the case with the new Abrams sequel coming out this year — that’s pretty much a given for any television show with special effects which attempts to portray the fashions and technology of the future. They are always going to be dated when looked on from the future. I don’t think the original series is unique in that regard. In each case the shows were done in earnestness not for intentional camp value (except for certain comedy themed episodes such as “Trouble with Tribbles”).

            There would have been no hardcore Trek fandom lobbying for anything past the original series if they hadn’t taken the show seriously rather than “tongue-in-cheek.” Tongue-in-cheek doesn’t inspire that level of fanaticism.

          • Thomas Stockel

            Speaking for myself, I was a huge ‘Trek fan before TNG, but I am 45 so that is the show I grew up with. I never found the costumes or special effects to be all that dated at the time I watched it.

          • Sofie Liv

            historically speaking, it bombed when it was send at Prime-time, no one in the adult audience liked it, and it was supposed to be cancelled after two seasons, but managed to hold unto three, even if not the five seasons they had hoped for with the, you know. “Five years mission.” narration by the beginning of each episode.

            then, the best thing that could ever happen to the show happened.. I am not lying. It was send in the kids hours at the kid channels. and the kids LOVED it, and took it deeply seriously.

            Among them were a lot of girls, and thus the shipper culture was born, and the first convention inviting the actors.. and thus the con culture was born because of the shipper culture because of teen girls.

            And I am not making any of that up, which I don’t mind, cause I think it’s awesome history X)

          • I like TOS so far (only have watched 2 episodes) and actually not taking it seriously is helping me enjoy it even more xD It’s just so damn funny.

        • Muthsarah

          Don’t let it intimidate you. If you don’t understand something in Trek, you don’t need to; just treat it like magic and move on. If something’s actually important to the story, they’ll use real words to explain it. Except for Voyager.

          Silent film directors used to believe that the more intertitles (black screens with words) they used in the movie, the worse storytellers they were, since they were supposed to be able to convey ideas to the audience without interrupting the flow of the story. It works the same way with Trek: the best episodes have the least amount of distracting Treknobabble.

          • Jay_Bay

            Don’t mind me too much. I just am not a fan of the space opera in general. They bore me honestly, though I will admit I’m very hypocritical. I mean I like Dr. Who and Firefly and Andromeda but Galatica and the Treks and the Wars are blahblahblahactionblahblah. I’m just a lost cause.

          • Muthsarah

            You had me at “I like…Firefly”. No probs. 🙂

            …Wait….you don’t even like Star Wars? Like the original trilogy, or at least the first two?

          • Jay_Bay

            Well…..ok, I don’t hate Star Wars. I like parts of them. I like lightsabers, of course Han Solo and Billy Dee Williams, Force abilities are awesome, the Falcon is sweet, Vader sounds awesome (thats James Earl Jones for ya)…..and the points dries up quick. No offense, but it is not my type of thing.

            I think it’s the fact that I just like my stories “small scope”. I think it’s the “spanding epic” that gets to me. It’s my main beef with the LotR films (and I LOVE me some fantasy).

      • My thoughts exactly!

      • Sofie Liv

        But… every-thing in Stark Trek and Doctor who ‘is’ made up.. and out-side of an fantasy plot, it is pretty stupid.

        Bafflet any-one?

        • What I hate is when it sounds real, I’m trying to follow along, and then I remember that they don’t employ real theoretical physicists and I’m trying to keep up with technobabble.

    • LindaMinda

      I was always saddened that Leonard Nimoy never did make that cameo on Boston Legal.

      • Cameron Vale

        Like Stephen Fry never making that cameo on House.

        • bayoubenny

          Black Adder freakin rules.

    • Glad you enjoyed it, that part literally took me weeks to film. But I must take exception with calling them “dolls”. Real men play with Star Trek action figures!

      Oh and one more thing… DENNY CRANE

      • Torgeaux

        Worth every minute of the weeks you took to film the ‘action figure’ consensual Wesley sex parody. Very funny. I need to film something like it with my woolly mammoth collection. I mean with any free time spent not going through hospital and dentist office dumpsters looking for the Pedisedate. .

  • $36060516

    So when are we going to get “Agony Booth: The Porn Parody?” Given the name, though, people might be expecting too much S&M content.

    • Jay_Bay

      Oh…..my

    • MichaelANovelli

      As soon as I get some money together…

      • Thomas Stockel

        Could you give me a few months advance warning? I’m going to want to get into shape first. In fact, everyone is going to want me to get in shape first.

    • I’d comment on this, but certain people might never talk to me again if I did. Or, she’d make me the gimp for any actual agonizing. Hmmm…

      • MichaelANovelli

        I am Tiberius! And you are all my Little Fishes!

        • Carlos Rivas

          MR Mendo reviewing Caligula, Tiberius’s drunk face is so hilarious he even makes it after he died.

          • MichaelANovelli

            Now, there’s a thought…

  • Muthsarah

    Too accurate to the source material, requiring too much foreknowledge to even understand the plot? Too sexless? Too boring? Too long? Decent special effects? Professional (non-nude) impressionist?

    If someone holds a gun to my head and demands I choose a porn to watch, I finally have an answer. Thank you, Doctor O’Boogie!

  • Thomas Stockel

    Yeah, I pretty much lost it when the action figures started raping Wesley. “Make it so!”

    • It wasn’t rape! Wesley totally consented to it! And he’s an adult in this version.

  • Bob_in_Baltimore

    Wait a minute… In the scene where Troi is about to fellate Riker, it looks like she is unzipping the front of his pants. Didn’t Gene Roddenberry once say that they don’t use zippers any more in the 24th century, that they’ve been replaced by superior technology that doesn’t place soft fleshy parts in danger of laceration by sharp metal bits? (Well, he didn’t say that last phrase, but he did mention that zippers are obsolete in the timeframe of TNG.) The Dr. Crusher-Picard coupling at least makes sense based on the established characters, and the fact that Dr. Crusher is barely in the movie and does nothing of consequence is also in keeping with the established pattern for TNG 🙂

  • The_Stig

    I was actually wondering when PC was going to get around to this but dammit Winston your intro’s sweet as hell.

    Heh, the Holodeck is the champagne room of the Enterprise. Well jeebus, doctor what do you think a holodeck would actually be used for? LOL

    I’m still wrapping my brain around Data money shot. I mean, how would that even…..

    • Muthsarah

      He IS fully functional. In every way, of course. Programmed in multiple techniques, a broad variety of pleasuring.

      Don’t ask, just….Season One. It’s….what it is.

      • Imam Ali

        with Tasha Yar I remember that

    • Yeah, I’m pretty sure a real holodeck would be used for that, and you’d think a TNG porn would have made sure to include scenes like that. Instead, everybody in this movie (other than Geordi) has sex with real people, and they only use the holodeck to create virtual environments for their sexy time. What a friggin’ waste.

      And I’m pretty sure Data is supposed to have bodily fluids, he implied it in that one episode where he somehow caught the same virus as everybody else. Though I’m guessing it was such a dumb idea that it was never brought up again.

      • Muthsarah

        In an “episode” where everyone has sex…Geordi still manages to be the one person not really having sex. Even this corner of the Trek universe seems to have it out for him.

  • Dennis_Fischer

    Just for your information, that rock formation you mentioned where some STAR TREK episodes were shot is called Vasquez Rocks. It is located off Aqua Dulce road off the 14 Fwy in the L.A. high desert area.

  • John Wilson

    “I’m so freaky the girls from 2 Girls 1 Cup need to film their own reactions when they watch me”

    Ok, one of you guys need to do the The Human Sexipede because that was amazing:).

  • Bouncy X

    the woman playing crusher looks like the same girl who played scully in the 2 porn parodies of that. well parody isnt right as they werent comedies and took themselves very seriously and i was impressed with how acurate and well made they were. they even went as far as using 1013 for the time and things. lol

  • I really liked your skit with the Star Trek action figures. Tell me, did you already have the Bridge playset and all the figures just laying around. or did you have to buy/borrow them?

    It looked like a lot of fun to film. 😉

    • No, I didn’t already own the action figures, at least I can say that much for myself. But you can get this stuff for dirt cheap on eBay. The action figures were less than a buck each, and the bridge set was under $40. A dog had chewed on Riker’s console, but that was fine by me. Of course, now that I actually spent money on this thing, you can be sure the TNG cast will show up again in future reviews.

      • CaptainCalvinCat

        Hey, that is well spent money then. *thumbs up*
        However as a Trekkie, that prices hurt me. ^^

        Oh the good old days with the Bridge-Playset.
        I had one, too, back in the days. ^^

  • lilliponz

    I LOVED the Wesley Crusher action figure scenes–precious!!!!!!!!

  • LindaMinda

    Please tell me someone is making the sequel; Deep Space Nine Inches.

    • EuroMIX

      I personally can’t wait for Star Trek Voyeur…

  • Lilgreenman

    According to the captain’s log, this takes place right around the same time as “Tapestry”, where the playful god Q sends Picard back in time to show him that he has to take risks and not compromise what he believes in.

    Food for thought.

    • How’d you figure that out, by cross-referencing the stardates, I guess? So you think it’s possible this porno is really Q showing Picard what it would be like if his entire crew was banging each other on the holodeck?

      • Lilgreenman

        It’s as good a theory as any, except for the fact that the many times Q flirted with Picard show he’d be first in line for the aforementioned banging.

        Or, maybe, it’s an alternate universe retelling of “Tapestry” – Picard is being shown the horrible alternatives to scoring with Q, so Picard will realize that the only course of action would be to, ahem, make it so.

  • Internet NeckBeard

    You missed that the backdrop from the romulan ship was the corridor into the engine of the Event Horizon.

  • Imam Ali

    I want to see Deep Space sixty 9 where Wesley is on an away team to the planet Lesbos and has a special encounter with Jedward.

    • Whit Liggett

      LOL

    • Sean

      …I never knew how much I wanted a porn video until just now. That sounds fucking hot.

  • Sean

    I’m totally loving the Wesley is gay thing. Since, you know, he is. I was always really into him as a kid when I watched this show growing up.