Star Trek (TAS) “How Sharper than a Serpent's Tooth” (part 3 of 4)
Kirk shushes Bones… and Scotty too, for good measure, in case the guy happens to find a case of Glenfiddich somewhere. Oh, but Walkingbear can keep talking. Either Kirk thinks Walkingbear will say something useful, or say something stupid and distract Kukulcan at a key moment and die.
Kukulcan says humans strayed from the path he set for them. Kirk points out that they can’t worship Kukulcan if they don’t remember him, so Kukulcan says if they don’t know him, it’s his task to teach them. He then transports them to what looks like an alien pet store.
Bones says that just once, he wishes he would let them use the stairs. I’ve noticed in watching these episodes, there’s maybe one honestly funny line in each one. The gang points out how cruel keeping these animals in cages is, and Kukulcan explains each one is in their own virtual world.
I shudder to think what the derpysaurus is seeing.
Kukulcan explains that the city he showed them was supposed to be mankind’s natural environment, and that mankind turned evil when they didn’t make their cities to his exact standards. Never mind the possibility that he left behind bad instructions, or the instructions may have been lost, or the people didn’t have the natural resources to build the city or…
Well, the point is, it’s all our fault.
Kirk points out that nobody has the right to interfere with other cultures. What’s amazing is that Kirk, number one “re-interpreter” of the Prime Directive, says this with a straight face… Well, it’s animated, so straight voice, anyway.
This causes Kukulcan to hiss and call bullshit on that, which makes me think he’s seen Star Trek in syndication. Kukulcan explains he’s the last of his race, and because he had nothing better to do, he decided to try and elevate mankind, intending to come back when he was summoned.
He then decided to send a probe to see what was up… waiting some two thousand years to do so. Which is when he found a race of “warriors”. What, is everyone on Earth armed or something? What’s this guy’s definition of “warriors?” Did his probe just happen to catch a bunch of LARPers or something?
Kukulcan says all of his creatures live in peace, unlike silly humans. Even his “most untamable”.
McCoy IDs his “most untamable” as a “Capellan power cat”, a creature that can generate two thousand volts of electricity. He asks how Kukulcan got it in the cage. Kukulcan says it was an infant, and easily controlled, much like mankind was when he first visited Earth. Congratulations, Kukulcan. You are now in the running for Star Trek’s most condescending dick villain.
Also, I realize that the artist was attempting to draw everyone looking up at Kukulcan, but it looks more like everyone rolling their eyes at the alien’s bullshit.
Kukulcan says Mankind are children to be led, and Kirk jumps on the analogy, saying if children are made totally dependent on their teachers, then they would never be anything but children. Had Kukulcan been a robot, he would have self-destructed at this point, but Kukulcan isn’t, so Kirk’s pointing out holes in his logic just serves to piss him off, much like those times when as a kid you called your parents out on their logic flaws…
Wow, Kukulcan really does think he is Mankind’s Dad.
Kulcan whines that “his dream is ending” and it’s all our fault. Again. Shit, Kukulcan, next time don’t wait two millennia to see how your kids are doing. What a shitty parent. You weren’t even sure their phone worked before you left the house! He attacks, and the four scatter.
Meanwhile on Enterprise, Spock analyses the force-field and comes up with a way for the ship to break free. Spock explains they’re going to use the tractor beam to pull on the bubble as Enterprise rams it, because the field can’t handle two opposing forces. The beam is then turned on.
They ram the field, and just like that, they’re free! Wow, without even reversing the polarity of the deflector dish, or employing the magnatomic quantum capacitor, or adjusting the nucleonic plasma actuators? Spock didn’t even take into account the ionic alternating effect or the reciprocating subspace particle variance! What the hell kind of Star Trek is this?!
Whatever. Enterprise is free and the excited (for Spock) tone in the Vulcan’s voice speaks volumes, as he orders Enterprise to attack. His recent behavior is all so clear now! Don’t worry, Kirk, the man who secretly loves you is coming!
Kukulcan senses something is wrong, and that Enterprise has escaped. He decides that this time, he’ll smash the Enterprise. While he’s busy, Kirk comes up with a plan to distract Kukulcan with the animals, and McCoy suggests using the power cat. The pair free it, and the cat awakens. It’s obviously angry, having its “natural environment” interrupted.
Hmmm. We know that the definition of “natural” for Kukulcan is basically whatever he thinks is best for the species. What was the power cat’s environment really like?
We may never know.
The Capellan power cat (which would be a great name for a punk rock band, by the way. Or an energy drink) proceeds to run amok and smash stuff.
Take it from a cat owner, this is pretty much exactly what would happen. Outside, Enterprise fires phasers at Kukulcan’s ship, disabling it. Next time, only use ceramic tiles in your kitchen, Kukulcan. Kukulcan is just as helpless as the humans, forced to take the high ground.
Kirk and Bones realize now that they’re in serious trouble, and the captain obviously ponders throwing Walkingbear at the power cat. Then he tells Bones to give him the hypospray with a full tranquilizer setting. Jim Kirk then jumps on the power cat like a goddamn boss and dopes it!
And that’s why Kirk gets the women and you don’t, Bones.
Kirk is stunned, and the cat currently has its mellow going on.
Meanwhile, Scotty and Walkingbear look on, feeling a tiny bit less like men.