Part two of a two part ranking of all 12 Star Trek films, from worst to first.
Star Trek Recaps and Reviews
The Star Trek Movies (1979-)
Part one of a two part ranking of all 12 Star Trek films, from worst to first.
“Can we open up Abrams’ Mystery Box and find out why he bothered to bring back [REDACTED] in the first place?”
“Alas, no one knew the Star Trek franchise was about to take a massive dose of stupid pills.”
It’s the debut of a new show, Tom’s Retrophilia, hosted by our own Thomas Stockel! You probably know Tom from the recaps he’s written for the site, mostly of the animated Star Trek series. He makes the jump from written articles to his own video show with this impassioned defense of Star Trek: The Motion Picture!
I love the scene where McCoy tries to charter a flight to the planet. While the guy was always a funny character before, having Spock inhabiting his mind in a way makes him even better.
At this point, I am convinced that J.J. Abrams is the single greatest threat to good filmmaking today. The usual reaction to a statement like that is for people to rush and defend him by pointing out how “not bad” his handful of films are. The repeated use of the phrase “not bad” is really all I need to illustrate my point.
Ursa takes a newbie’s-eye view of the 2009 Star Trek movie, and talks lens flares, Chris Pine, and how this movie relates to Jeremy Brett. No, really. This episode also includes a completely spoiler-free “review” (read: extended impressions session) of Star Trek Into Darkness. Caution: May contain Benedict Cumberbatch.
On the eve of the Star Trek franchise heading into darkness, Dr. O’Boogie looks back at the TNG cast’s final outing Star Trek Nemesis, which somehow became the most reviled entry in the series despite there being a few other Star Trek movies that are at least as dumb. But it’s a shameless ripoff of Wrath of Khan starring an up and coming British actor, and who would possibly want to see that?
“That’s the main difference between Plummer’s villain and F. Murray Abraham in Insurrection. Both characters are essentially just self-centered assholes, but Plummer’s character has a little dignity, class, and style. It also helps that he doesn’t whine like a bitch when things don’t go his way.”
“I don’t know how, but this film has actually managed to make me hate Tuesdays. And running gags. And Alan Ruck.”
“Bill doesn’t seem to have much of a problem with the fan dance, probably because he and Nichelle Nichols are in the same age bracket.”
“I’m really annoyed at how this movie is making me question the competence of every single human being in the universe.”
“It just wouldn’t be a TNG movie without a Data scene that made you wonder why the hell you ever got into Star Trek in the first place.”
star trek (the original series) (1966-1969)
“As it turns out, ‘The Tholian Web’, one of the stronger episodes of the original series’ third season, was actually a Mirror Universe episode all along. We just didn’t know it until 2005.”
A transporter accident causes Kirk and Company to cross over into a parallel universe where Spock has a beard, and the crew of the Enterprise is evil and menacing. Meanwhile, a transporter accident in Mendo’s house leaves Mendo reviewing this episode with an evil and menacing version of special guest star Sofie Liv. But surely, that’s all just a coincidence.
“Right now, I feel like a character in an H.P. Lovecraft story, driven mad, just waiting for the mutant fish people to come for me.”
“Who knew you only needed twelve buttons to control an entire person?”
Star Trek (the animated series) (1973-1974)
Kirk and Spock join the alien version of the A-Team as they search for the soul of an ancient messiah figure, and we promise reading this recap will not put you on any kind of government watch list.
“Aaaand it basically looks like a watermelon with a handle. I guess the Slavers took juicing very seriously. ”
“It would seem the very first holodeck episode in the Star Trek franchise also features the very first holodeck malfunction.”
“Five seconds in, and this script and science have already officially parted ways.”
“It looks like the guy who cleans the Enterprise toilets has the week off, so congratulations, Uhura, you are now in charge!”
“I guess with the aqua-shuttle and bass boat, putting Kirk and Spock in speedos was not in the budget this week.”
“Kirk sounds a little stressed out here, and no wonder; at his normal rate of conquest, he’ll have slept with every female in the pocket universe in a matter of weeks!”
“For Christ’s sake, first we get the cheap-ass decision to not show the Ariel, and now this? It’s like the animation crew blew their budget on cocaine and hookers that month.”
“McCoy is shocked that Kirk would drop his assigned duties on the off chance they’ll find alien life. Come on, Bones, how long have you known Jim? On that planet, there’s like a million percent greater chance of him meeting chicks.”
“McCoy says, ‘We’re in the cloud!’ I sometimes wonder if when McCoy wakes up in the morning, he says stuff like, ‘I’m awake! On a ship! In space!’”
“Take it from a long time Dungeons & Dragons player: you never split up the party. Bad shit like this happens all the time.”
“I can’t help but wonder if this entire episode was inspired by someone messing up the coloration on some animation cells and someone else saying, ‘Hey, I got a great idea for an episode!’”
“Kirk uses a tricorder and determines the Orion has the pure, uncut strobolin. Part of me really wanted to see Kirk dip his fingertip into the box so he could taste it for purity.”
“Oh my God, Scotty misplaced the lower half of his body! Or, he has a tiny cloaking device in his pants.”
“Yes, I would say space vomit is an unorthodox design.”
“Kirk tells Scotty—who’s now on the bridge—that he did good work fixing the shields. Scotty explains he hasn’t finished fixing them, which makes me wonder why Scotty’s ass is not down in Engineering fixing the shields.”
Ryan recaps the animated Star Trek episode “The Lorelei Signal”, where the Enterprise responds to a sexy distress call, and Kirk and Spock and McCoy all lose their damn minds over a colony of blondes, who turn out to be lifeforce vampires! Uhura and Chapel are forced to take command and rescue the horny bastards, with the help of the Enterprise’s surprisingly hot womens’ security team. Watch the video below, and learn all about the hidden dangers of Jazzercise headbands and competitive giant ruby tossing!
“Just drink up, and it’ll all make perfect sense.”
Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1994)
“I’m going to indulge in wild speculation here in regards to what the Star Trek franchise could have looked like without Picard. And that involves treating the entire Star Trek franchise as one whole story.”
“Picard and Riker are not convinced, an attitude they express in a refreshingly non-Trekkian manner by pulling their phasers and shooting Remmick in the face until his head explodes messily.”
“It was 1987, and the fourth episode of the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation, when nobody knew what a Ferengi was or anything of their now-famous tendencies. So join me, won’t you, as we take a trip back to when an aura of mystery surrounded this new rival of the Federation, and see just how long it takes for their mystique to be utterly and forever left in ruins. ”
“But you can see why this incident would be so unmemorable to the captain. Nearly getting blasted to bits, abandoning ship, adrift in space for weeks, and ultimately immortalized in the textbooks for a feat of heroism would almost totally pass from anyone’s memory after nine years.”
“He’s not just outrageous, he’s nutrageous!“
“The guys who wrote that Hallmark card called. They’d like their crappy poetry back now.”
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (1993-1999)
“And this is how a storyline begun in one of the most legendary episodes of the original series goes out in a hail of bad comedy.”
“The big letdown here is that, at this point, they’ve taken an iconic, legendary concept like the Mirror Universe and are primarily using it to hook their characters up with dead lovers.”
“It seems the only goal here was to shove Worf into the story by any means necessary. Much like Worf’s appearances in every TNG movie.”
“Great. The one time you want Avery Brooks to play to the cheap seats, and he holds back.”
“They’ve turned the Mirror Universe into a downbeat tale about a minority being oppressed and enslaved, as if Deep Space Nine didn’t already have enough Nazi allusions in its first two seasons.”
“Yep, a Star Trek episode is going for a lighthearted tone, which can only mean one thing: Deep hurting… deep hurting!“
“Let it be known that I will be casting the first stone. Directly at Worf’s head.”
“Some like it. Not.”
Star Trek: Voyager (1995-2001)
“If you listen carefully, you’ll hear the thud as this episode hits the canvas.”
“Brannon Braga calls this one ‘a royal, steaming stinker’. And when the guy who wrote the episode says that, it’s pretty hard to disagree.”
Enterprise AKA Star Trek: Enterprise (2001-2005)
“It would appear Mirror Universe episodes really need at least a couple of the regular universe characters to cross over, to counterbalance all the cartoonish evil on display.”
“And maybe I’m too jaded by Mirror Universe episodes by now, but I’m not at all surprised they blew up the Enterprise, on a show called Enterprise.”
“It’s pretty sad that the only real nod we’ve had to space travel thus far has been the use of navigational terms as an aid to sexual harassment.”
“This episode will not be presented in real time. It’ll only feel that way.”