VIDEO: SpiderBabe (2003)

Softcore queen Misty Mundae stars as Patricia Porker, a shy high school girl who gets bitten by a genetically engineered spider and becomes an oversexed, crime-fighting superhero. The Porn Critic explains why SpiderBabe is a total piece of shit, with absolutely no talent or creativity going into the making of it.

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  • Thomas Stockel

    So at last the true genius behind the Porn Critic brand is revealed.

  • Black Doug

    This film eerily predicted what Dr. Connors would look like in “Amazing Spider-Man”.

  • edharris1178

    Funny stuff, man.

  • MichaelANovelli

    Ah, the rare sight of Misty Mundae with a man. Probably the only reason I’ve seen this piece of shit more than once…

  • The_Stig

    I’ve seen this movie a few times late on the Movie Channel. Odd that the bully’s actually the most sympathetic character. I keep wondering if he’s okay.

  • $36060516

    Is “looks like a 12-year old girl” code for “no breast implants?”

    • MichaelANovelli

      No, it means, “She’s all but completely flat-chested in a way that gives the uncomfortable impression that she’s underage, which isn’t helped by that incredibly young looking face of hers.”

      • $36060516

        That’s up to interpretation, it seems. Since she was in her 20s when she made the movie (according to a check of IMDB) that seems like de facto proof that women in their 20s don’t all look the same way. I’m not going to feel guilty or weird for thinking a woman in her 20s is attractive. I like women of all sorts of body types, from Russ Meyer broads to butch lesbians, from Camryn Manheim to this gal. Women are nice. Nothing “uncomfortable” about it. To me it’s refreshing to see something other than the usual porn breast implants.

        • MichaelANovelli

          Yeah, and according to my research, she’s real snooty about having natural breasts, too…

          • Sofie Liv

            I got nice natural breasts.

          • $36060516

            Danish national treasures.

          • Sofie Liv

            exactly. Beside I am also in my twenties..

            But if that sentence means he feels like i’m only getting more attractive by reaching thirty, i’m un-board with that! that’s great when guys out-right says they find more mature women more attractive, it takes off some of the pressure ones in a while. A lot of girls are down-right afraid of becoming old you know.

          • CaptainCalvinCat

            A lot of girls (and a lot of boys) should actually be down-right afraid of getting dumber by the minute.

            I don’t know about you – I mean, yes, physical attractiveness is of course an integral part of finding “the possible one”, however… to me – of course it matters – but what is a beautiful outward appearance worth, if you are as dumb as a brick or as bitchy as you can get?

            I like my women to be intelligent and nice first and cute, good looking or whatyoucallit second.

          • Sofie Liv

            That is possible just me being in incredible vain, but I need my partner to be both attractive (at least in my own eyes.) AND smart.
            I would never go out with any-one whom is obviously an mean idiot, even if he is the worlds best chris hemswroth importsonator. (beside what makes Hemsworth so up and above in attractiveness, is his childish charm, you look at him and just assumes he is a good trust-worthy guy.)

            But neither would I go out with a person whom is obese and smells, even if he is the nicest person ever, he is effectively friend-zoned by me.

            Looks does matter, good looks make people more attractive, a smart suit instantly makes any man twenty percent more sexy. How-ever it’s not every-thing! you gotta strike a balance.

            I think it’s oki for women to take care of their looks and take good care of themselves, but neither should their entire world revolve around it.

            Like every-thing else in the world, it’s about striking the right balance.

            And so many girls planning to die before they reach thirty, cause they are afraid of being over thirty… well that is just sad.

            I’m more counting to be one of those. “Become more awesome with age.” kind of persons.

          • danbreunig

            “Become more awesome with age.” Great words to live by. But that works mostly as long as your’re improving from where you were when you were younger. I’m in my 30s now and I actually feel more 20 than I did when I was. And I truly don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.

          • CaptainCalvinCat

            *sighs* What is the point of dying before getting thirty? I am getting thirty in half a year and I don’t plan on commit suicide. But then – I am a man.

            Maybe they stuck to the sicilian saying “If you don’t want to get old, you should hang yourself in the youth.”… but that is a) just a saying and b) a very sad one, at this.

            By the way – why would that worldview of you would be vain?

          • MichaelANovelli

            I don’t deny that at all, but whatever else you may want to argue, a bad attitude is a bad attitude, and Misty Mundae’s not particularly good at what she does regardless of what she looks like, so her conceit is really unfounded.

            Not to sound mean, but baking an apple pie using all-natural ingredients doesn’t amount to much if the pie still tastes like ass…

          • CaptainCalvinCat

            Somehow I doubt, that I will be able to enjoy apple-pie in the next days. ^^

          • Sofie Liv

            hard to argue against that, just saying, I am a delicous in my twenties applie pie! And I am totally not vain nor arrogant about it!

            … I am so much just trolling right now..

          • CaptainCalvinCat

            *grins*
            That “a delicious in my twenties apple pie” just sounds cute. ^^

          • Bob_in_Baltimore

            “She’s my apple pie
            Tastes so good, makes a grown man cry
            Sweet apple pie”

            (with apologies to Warrant, Sofie, and everyone else who reads that)

          • $36060516

            So you’re saying Misty Mundae is the Spoony of porn stars?

          • MichaelANovelli

            Nah. Spoony is still bangable. (It’s his hair!)

          • $36060516

            So you do like some flat-chested folks!

          • MichaelANovelli

            My standards of beauty for men are different from women. 😉

          • CaptainCalvinCat

            And, again without wanting to come off as creepy, you are a beautiful, attractive woman. So, yes, the possibilities of women in their twenties being attractive are there.

        • CaptainCalvinCat

          What is wrong with thinking, that women in her 20s are attractive?

          I mean, look at Nicole De Boer – she was in her twenties, when they shot “DS9” and besides, that she is the more lean Dax compared to the more curvaceous Jadzia Dax, she was very attractive.

          • Jeez guys, this discussion got a bit deep for a Porn Critic comments section!

          • CaptainCalvinCat

            I don’t think, that this is wrong, actually. I mean, Porn Critic, see it like this: your review made us discuss about this. I think, that is pretty cool. ^^

        • danbreunig

          I think you hit the nail on the head there, Mr.M.

          “I’m not going to feel guilty or weird for thinking a woman in her 20s is
          attractive. I like women of all sorts of body types, from Russ Meyer
          broads to butch lesbians, from Camryn Manheim to this gal. Women are
          nice.”

          Despite the movie stereotypes we see here in this site all the time, many/most men have that same attitude, myself included. And that’s what it’s really all about–whatever body shape draws your eye and whatever mood you’re in, that mood’s killed once she comes off with a shitty attitude. Not bitchy, *shitty*. The hottest woman visually means nothing if she shits on a man, or another woman (bizarre choice of words to a porn critique forum, I know). But it’s just the same in real life: when a woman is pleasant to a man in attitude, she visually appears more attractive. Some of that’s also just plain humility. I’ve grown to learn that the more attractive people, and actually the most talented people period, are also the most humble.

          And to see if I can cover more responses in one post…

          “hard to argue against that, just saying, I am a delicous in my twenties applie pie! And I am totally not vain nor arrogant about it!” Just proves my point, Sofie. So you don’t have to worry about reminding us all of your Danish goodness; it’s a given. 😉

          “a bad attitude is a bad attitude, and Misty Mundae’s not
          particularly good at what she does regardless of what she looks like, so
          her conceit is really unfounded. Not to sound mean, but baking an apple pie using all-natural ingredients doesn’t amount to much if the pie still tastes like ass…”

          Preach on, Brother Mendo! And thanks for the image of an assberry pie–I actually cracked up thinking about that. Which is why I stick to lemon meringue.

          • MichaelANovelli

            Put it on a .gif, if you dare!

          • danbreunig

            you got it (best I could whip up in three minutes)

          • $36060516

            also known as a dingleberry pie

  • mofs

    Always great, although I’m intrigued about the proton pack – from your own Ghostbusters “parody”?

    • It was from a Fancy dress party years ago. I made it out of cardboard and wood! It hangs on my office wall!

  • $36060516

    Odd. When I clicked on this video, Blip showed me a Spanish language Ford ad! They must have decided your main audience Speaks spanish, Dick!

    • CaptainCalvinCat

      I could get, if it would be a spanish Mitsubishi Advert.

      For that, you have to know, that there is that Mitsubishi, that in spanish-speaking countrys is called “Montero” and in the UK “Shogun”. In all other countrys, that car is called the “Mistubishi Pajero”. However in spanish, the word “Pajero” means “wanker”, so they had to rebrandish it.

      • $36060516

        Weird — you’re right. I only knew the word meant “bird!”

        • CaptainCalvinCat

          Well – language is weird. ^^

          I notice it everytime I write in German and then return to write English. The grammar, the punctuation, sometimes whole idioms are different. ^^

    • Me llamo Dick. Me casa est muy grande con tres banos.

  • danbreunig

    You know what? With all the discussions below I completely forgot to say:

    I had a pretty stressful weekend, and when I watched this I felt quite better Thank you so much for yet another funny and fun review, P. Critic! You really helped me pull through. Make of that what you may.

  • Honey

    You are hilarious and oddly remind me of Austin Powers. Thank you for the informative review!