Sister Wives Recap: We Still Don't Know Which One Is Which

Sister Wives Recap: We Still Don't Know Which One Is Which

Time to recap “Sister Wives,” which means it is time for us to look up which wives are which again. Robyn’s the brunette, but the rest of them are interchangeable.

Janelle, one of the blondes, is going to run a 5K. She already has a dudebro trainer that we met last week. The family has designed custom t-shirts for the race, but didn’t get them made in a size that Janelle could easily wear. She’s had a several seasons long arc of weight loss, so she does fit into the XL (and good on her!) but really? Th’ fuck kind of level of insensitivity do you have to have to rally around a family member who is trying to lose weight by giving them clothing that is too small?

Oh wait. Now we remember the level of sensitivity in this family, because Nickelback runs this family, and Nickelback is the worst. At the 5K, he just takes off at a full run, leaving Janelle behind. Most supportive husband or mostest supportive husband?? He explains that he was “just setting his pace.” Oh, OK then.

All the wives are going to San Francisco to shop for dresses to wear to their commitment celebration. Nickelback has to watch all of the children — all 17 of them. Is he being a smug dickhead about it? Yep! Is he being irrational about what he can manage, like deciding that all 18 of them will eat every meal together? Yep!

The wives, honest to God, say that the longest they’ve ever him is overnight. Nickelback is the ultimate manchild, with four ladies to cater to his every manchild whim.

So the trip to SF is somewhat of a homecoming visit for Meri, who is from there. The other sister wives seem unhappy about the fact that her happiness in returning there may actually be happiness about returning there rather than infinite happiness at the prospect of traveling with them. When they ask her about it, Meri does some serious deer-in-headlights action.

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Let’s talk some more about this commitment ceremony that we’re going to drag out for the whole season, OK? Meri is not feeling it. Nickelback thinks it is just a giant party. Other wives think it is a special solemn time. This is going to go super well. Is divorce cool in the polygamous wife evangelical Mormon community?

Oh god they’re driving to San Francisco. Nickelback has an an infinite amount of money, so why can’t they fly?

Nickelback’s plan for the cooking for the week that the wives are gone is to grill four types of meat on one day and that will feed all 17 children for the week. They can eat the leftovers for lunch! He can’t screw up grilling! Except that while he was being SuperGrillMaster, one of the children (no way in HELL am I keeping track of which child is which) stubs her toe, so he has to go bandage her up and turns some of the steaks into charcoal. He then whines about how hard it is to play mom and doctor while cooking. Yeah, because ladies never have to do that.

The ladies are in SF, but they brought one of the children with. Huh?? This is not usually how lady getaway weekends work. Also, the toddler is not really going to enjoy dress shopping.

Some random friend of Meri’s from SF has been tasked with dragging the sister wives to whatever stores paid for product placement on this nonsense show. The boutique only has sizes that fit one wife — Robyn. Oh, and also, too, they all have fundamentalist Mormon modesty feels, so pretty much anything in your average dress boutique is going to show too far too much skin, like calves and arms. The horror!

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So on this completely staged trip, everyone goes to a boutique where nothing fits and on the off chance it does, it shows too much skin. The showrunners for this thing are either bored or completely hate these women.

Nickelback is going to take all 15? 16? 17? (no idea how many kids he actually got stuck with since at least one of them went with the wives) kids over to a neighbor’s house because that poor neighbor has a pool and none of Nickelback’s houses do. Who doesn’t want double-digit numbers of someone else’s spawn running around their pool?

One of the kids (no, we already told you we don’t know which one) decides that while at a neighbor’s pool party, it is a great time to find out if anyone has “asked about them” yet. This is code, in fundamentalist Mormon land, for courtship — where the young man inquires of a patriarch like Nickelback as to whether any of his daughters are ripe for marrying. Apparently no one has yet. Nickelback doesn’t want them courting, even though two of them are 17 and two of them are 18, so that’s that.

Back to SF. After yesterday’s humiliation fest, they’re going to a plus size boutique today, so Robyn has to feel left out this time. Perhaps they should have considered doing this shopping on the internet.

Nickelback calls one of the wives to whine about how it is hard to watch the children because one of them stubbed her toe and they were noisy when he was trying to make business calls for his invisible yet incredibly lucrative job.

The wives don’t like to talk to Nickelback when each other is in the room, and they are sad when he sends all of them the same text — “I love you guys” — as a mass text. Ladies, you all married the same dude. How did you think this would work?

Now the ladies are off to a fabric store to see if they can get things tailor made. See? You didn’t need to go to SF for this. Find a decent tailor in Las Vegas and go to town, ladies.

Nickelback takes some unspecified number of the children bowling.

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Nickelback is legit sad that he is doing terrible at it and his children are not. He does that faux-funny thing that is his stock in trade about how it was aggravating and he laughs about it except you know he’s actually pissed. Nickelback is the worst dad.

The ladies are in an Irish pub so they order beer, thinking, somehow, that they would only get one glass so they could each have a sip, because they don’t drink. Surely they have, however, been to restaurants in the past and generally understand that ordering a beverage results in each of you getting a beverage rather than one for the table? They are scandalized at their beer sipping, but defiantly declare that Nickelback wouldn’t mind if they took a sip because he doesn’t own them except he does.

One of the children is sick or sad or something. Nickelback doesn’t actually check her temperature or anything, but decides maybe she has the flu, but not a fever. The older kids are worried since they are the ones that actually watch the children and can probably tell when a child is sick.

The wives are home, which means another chance for Nickelback to whine about how hard it was for him to watch the children. He also bitches at the wives for shopping for three days and not magically finding anything. The end!

Next week’s teaser shows that the random child that was not running a fever according to Nickelback is now desperately ill, so we’ve got that to look forward to. Yay us!

TV Show: Sister Wives

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  • This is “Jude the Obscure”-level of raw human tragedy right here. Goddamn.