Sister Wives Recap: The Commitment Ceremony You've All Not Been Waiting For

Oh god remember last week’s Sister Wives where they were making dresses out of upholstery for the commitment ceremony? Did you find yourself praying that somehow, some way, someday, we’d get to the stupid ceremony and this season could end? Your prayers have been granted, because it is finally time for the not-marriage!

This week’s episode opens with all frenzy, all the time. Everyone is frantic! The dressmaker is frantic because she has been given a week to make the upholstery dresses and time is growing thin. Nickelback is frantic about hanging the stupid lights because it is an unholy mess. All the wives are frantic because they have to make 7000 individual servings of food. No, that’s not hyperbole. They really said 7,000.

Nickelback looks like we feel.

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Seriously, the amount of food is nonsensical.

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There is just no way the ladies are doing this absent a professional caterer. We see one of the Sister Wife moms and a Sister Wife Sister helping, but we still call bullshit, because Nickelback is rich enough to own FOUR HOUSES so he can certainly cater this nonsense celebration.

Rehearsals for the ceremony are not working out because they have to wrangle one million children for the thing. If you want a perfect ceremony, have zero children, people.

Haha the forecast is for overcast windiness god does not love you Nickelback and family.

Dressmaker’s mom has showed up to help with dressmaking. Why the hell couldn’t mom show up earlier? You wait until the last day? You’re a jerk, Dressmaker Mom.

Time for a montage of assembling things for the ceremony!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JU9Uwhjlog8

The most upholstery-est upholstery dress will not be done in time. Time to go shopping for a new dress, one day before the ceremony! What could go wrong?

Haha nothing because this is reality teevee and of course she finds a dress in an hour by going to one store and the dress costs $59. Show, this is some bullshit.

The kids are all going to do something special that involves handing a flower around and saying nice things. Yawn. The children should be seen and not heard unless they do something spectacularly awful during the ceremony.

Nickelback-wife fight! Wives want rehearsal now, because it makes sense to rehearse a ceremony the day before rather than the day of. The latter is Nickelback’s genius plan, but the ladies remind him they can’t really rehearse right before the ceremony because dresses, makeup, lady things. So he grudgingly agrees to the day before.

The rehearsal involves a lot of shouting and uncertainty as to the order in which things happen, because of course it does. Nickelback’s attention is elsewhere, because his lights over the cul de sac look like shit and of course (OF COURSE!) there’s a dead strand of lights.

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Oh sweet Christ on a cracker more dress talk. Nickelback is much too weary to talk about dresses and other lady things, because he is hanging lights. Nickelback, you are lazy and weak.

DAY OF THE CELEBRATION GET EXCITED NOTHING IS DONE GET FRANTIC.

Time for another getting ready montage!

Dressmaker ladies stayed up all night but dresses are not done. Nickelback is trying to finish the Gordian Knot that is his light arrangement but it is not done.

Robyn’s dress is super not done, so she has to find another dress approximately 3 hours before the ceremony. Meanwhile, Nickelback is getting his beard cleaned up and looks fresh to death, y’all.

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Nice fivehead, dude.

The tree-shaped cake is here. It mostly looks wet, but everyone seems very excited about it.

Oh FFS Janelle’s dress is also not done yet. You people are the very worst organizers ever. They’re just beginning the picture-taking portion, but guests are already arriving. They just sit around awkwardly watching the endless parade of photos. Nickelback with one wife! Nickelback with another wife! Nickelback with a couple children! Nickelback with some moms.

Oh damn, now we’re going for the big enchilada. The picture of the whole family. It’s like herding cats. There is so much crying and Nickelback nostril-flaring.

Finally goddamn time for the ceremony, with the entire family plodding on down to stand under a carport or a gazebo or some other thing they have in temperate locations fuck if we know what it is called.

Now all the sister wives have to read some part of the mission statement. Robyn gets ostentatiously choked up because that is how she rolls.

Time for everyone to get their ugly jewelry!

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Everyone in the Brown family gets their own version of the tree jewelry thingy. Lucky Brown family.

Now everyone gets to plant a tree to celebrate the clunkily obvious metaphor that the whole family is a tree and every wife is a branch and now they are planted in Las Vegas. It’s like a high school play version of a wedding.

Every child has a thing they are grateful for. Cue really slow halting reading from all children about how they love everything and everyone. We spent most of the time wondering which daughter was rocking the mighty fine funeral hat.

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Time for the band to play! Cue band and dancing montage! Unfortunately, the music the band is playing is slow, but the montage has everyone jumping around acting the fool. BETTER DANCE MONTAGE NEEDED, SHOW. Also, too, please nver show us Nickelback dancing ever again.

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And with that, we come to the end of the Sister Wives season, we think? We weren’t ever sure what season this was or where we were in it, but we’re going to decide it’s all done because we deserve that. Free at last, free at last, we are free of this season at last.

TV Show: Sister Wives

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