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Silicon Valley Recap: Your Girl Is Lovely, Hubbell

Previously, on HBO’s Mike Judge’s “Silicon Valley”: We hugged Jared to our bosoms, because Jared would hug us to his. This week: racism! David Choe! Graffiti! And Mexicans!

chuy-Erlich is pretty stoked he’s hired Chuy Ramirez, whose works hang in “the gallery of the streets,” to design their not fucking lame logo that totally won’t be interlocking lowercase P’s. But Chuy does not want your piddling “money”; he wants stock options, like the dude at Facebook, “David Choe, made like $100 million.” He sure did! And maybe then some! Maybe that is why he thinks he gets to rape massage therapists in their mouths? Ugh, fucking David Choe. Aaaaaand, that’s gonna set the tone for this episode, I’m afraid.

Jared is very upset by Erlich’s $10k Chuy outlay. Let him roll over his burn-down chart, hang on, he’s got it right here! They will be out of money in four months even without dumb $10k logos, and their algorithm will take five months to build. (MATH.)

Erlich explains that Chuy thought Dinesh was Mexican, hope he didn’t offend him with such a terrible slur. Dinesh is appropriately offended that they’d think “Mexican” was an offensive thing to be mistaken for. Erlich can’t be racist, he watches lots of black porn. But what KIND of black porn? Black dudes? Black chicks? BOTH? They happily troop off to inspect his browser history, because that is pretty much their priority at work.

Jared makes an impassioned plea to run the house on proper business principles. Richard has walked off in the middle, having taken a lesson from Peter Gregory’s guitar shredder guy.

Gavin summons Bighead to a hologram conference. (The hologram is awesome, someone please make me a me-hologram, pls kthx.)

Screen Shot 2014-05-05 at 3.30.51 PM

He must get to the bottom of why Richard has entered TechCrunch Disrupt. (Hint, because the house is chaos, and Richard forgot he’d entered.)

The hologram buffers, a guy comes in to fix it while Gavin screams, “I paid $20 million to acquire this company, you piece of shit!” They move to a regular skype-style sesh. That freezes too, and they get an eyeful of him screaming at Nelson again, because Gavin hadn’t updated his software. Not even the cell phone works. Feelin’ ya, Gav. Last month, T-Mobile shut me off because my son moved to North Dakota, and then told me it would take “only” 24 hours to turn me back on. (Hint, it did not take only 24 hours to turn me back on.) Oh, what fun the T-Mobile customer service representatives and I had!

Dinesh is inappropriately offended by Jared’s asking him and Gilfoyle to eat in the living room, so management can finish its meeting. Dinesh and Gilfoyle snit and storm out, per usual.

jared

Jared wants cubicles, because they work and because Gilfoyle and Dinesh waste too much time arguing. CUBICLES? YOU WANT THEM TO WORK IN CUBICLES? And Jared, perfect Jared: “Don’t think of it as a cubicle; think of it as a neutral colored enclosure about yea high around your workspace!”

Peter and Gavin run into each other unexpectedly, and they’re the most awkward star-crossed lovers in the world. It’s basically like the end of The Way We Were.

Silicon Valley Recap: Your Girl Is Lovely, Hubbell

Your girl is lovely, Hubbell. Why don’t you bring her for a drink when you go?

Gavin comes back to announce he’s taken over TechCrunch Disrupt to unveil Nucleus. Peter is … displeased.

The logo is Dinesh’s giant cock in an Aztec headdress penetrating the Statue of Liberty from behind. Erlich talks Chuy into not fucking the literal symbol of freedom.

Screen Shot 2014-05-09 at 12.52.36 PM

Dinesh and Gilfoyle have independently done the same fucking job all day, wasting precious man hours. BECAUSE IT IS AN INSANE ASYLUM. Jared gets his precious MBA work-flow stuff. It’s like the worst parts of MBA nonsense, a six-step process, SCRUM “increases visibility into their progress.” it looks like a terrible nightmare of color-coded bullshit, but, it also looks like it would actually really work. I kind of want some SCRUM. Tasks are “stories.” (That’s some bullshit.) Dinesh sees right through Jared’s trying to get them to compete. He wants to do a Teamster-style slowdown. Gilfoyle’s not having it. He wants to kick Dinesh’s ass.

The cops are there to be sad about the revised mural, which now has Erlich’s face in the Statue of Liberty and no headdress, so Richard raises the garage door to hide it, exposing so much marijuanas. “Is that marijuanas?” he asks. He has heard of these “drugs.”

I don’t care about this Monica-Richard thing where he has blamed her for talking him into taking Gregory’s $200k when Gregory was just after him to annoy Gavin. And they are blah blah don’t care.

Erlich is like dude, Chuy, please just take this garage door, we cannot have your assfucking mural in our suburban neighborhood. Chuy redoes the logo a second time; he knows what these white guys will like: interlocking lowercase p’s in a green box. Monica sees the signature and is impressed. “He sold a mural today for half a million,” she remarks.

It’s Erlich’s mural, of course. Gavin has bought it and installed it in the right in the middle of Hooli, to fuck Peter Gregory in the ass.

Catch up in the archives

Episode Four: A Love Song for Jared

Episode Three: Articles of Incorporation

Episode Two: So Much Jargon

Episode One: Hey, This Is A Pretty Good Show

TV Show: Silicon Valley

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  • I waited all week for this?

    • rebecca

      BOOO KENOSHA KID. BOOOOO.

      • glasspusher

        There, there, baby. We love you.

  • HabsFan29

    This was the best ep of the season. It had heart, pathos, humour, the works! Rebecca you must have been in a bad mood when viewing. “I’m already smiling, did you really have to paint me giving the thumbs-up? It’s gratuitous”

  • SullivanSt

    It’s like the worst parts of MBA nonsense, a six-step process, SCRUM

    Actually SCRUM is CompSci nonsense. Well, not necessarily even nonsense. But very trendy. Mostly because of all the development methodologies, it makes one of the better attempts to deal with probably the biggest frustration in the software profession: customers are idiots who don’t know what they want. Even for in-house development.

    • rebecca

      THAT’S ME! That is why I hired a wonkommittee to tell me what I want.

      • SullivanSt

        It’s every customer I’ve ever worked for. We have a customer we’ve been working with for 10 freakin’ years who still doesn’t know what he wants.

        • glasspusher

          …but they know what they don’t want, right?

          • SullivanSt

            Yes: whatever they asked for, when they see it on screen.

    • glasspusher

      Gotta agree with you there- it’s one thing that gives me pause whenever I think I could make a killing in software- customers. Although, since I write the softwares for my own applications, I realize that a lot of times programmers are idiots, too. Don’t even get me started on IT……OK, since you asked: Glasspusher’s Maxim of IT: if you’re good enough to do IT well, you’re probably good at something else. If all you can do is IT, you’re a moron.

  • Inconstant Reader

    I liked the Monica/Richard scenes because now Richard understands his position vis-a-vis these jillionaires. He and his employees are fleas. At best.

    • Annie Towne

      Kind of heartbreaking.