Scream Queens: The doctors are in (unfortunately)

Welcome to Ryan Murphy’s Scream Queens, where everything is extremely implausible in hopes of passing it off as comedy.

It’s the annual Halloween party at Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering hospital in the year of 1985. All the doctors and nurses are getting down to some generic ’80s music in an absurdly well-decorated nurse’s station (I like how in TV Land, hospital staff can afford a strobe light system for their Halloween parties, and not just dollar store streamers and pumpkin stickers) until a pregnant blonde lady interrupts the festivities to demand medical attention for her husband.

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Unfortunately for Pregnant Blonde Lady, the head doctor of this hospital is Jerry O’Connell, who takes his medical responsibilities as seriously as his film career. Dr. Jerry O’Connell promises to immediately perform the surgical procedure that will save Pregnant Blonde Lady’s husband’s life, but instead, he sedates Mr. Pregnant Blonde Lady, dumps the body into the local toxic swamp so he can get back to rocking out to Sheena Easton, and explains his plan to claim that Mr. Pregnant Blonde Lady checked himself out of the hospital and presumably decided to abandon Pregnant Blonde Lady.

I’m not sure which part of that sentence is the most reprehensible. I think it’s the Sheena Easton part.

220px-sugar_walls_single_cover

Sugar Walls is just a terrible song.

The nurse accompanying him frets about the toxic swamp’s rumored monster, the Green Meanie, which sounds less like a terrifying creature and more like an adorably crotchety cartoon character. The Green Meanie needs some better PR. Dr. O’Connell tells her not to worry and throws his green monster costume over Mr. Pregnant Blonde Lady to keep the body from being found so they can get back to the party while Pregnant Blonde Lady anxiously waits for her husband.

God, health care in America sucks.

In 2016, things are equally random and implausible. Bear with me here, there’s going to be a lot of exposition, but don’t worry,  you will be rewarded with a GIF of a half-naked John Stamos. Okay, here goes: so after the season one finale, Dean Munsch springboarded her fame and fortune to open up a hospital dedicated to curing incurable diseases. So basically, the plot of Pure Genius, with less Silicon Valley technology. She set about hiring the hottest best doctors in the business: Dr. Brock Holt aka John Stamos, and Dr. Cassidy Cascade aka Taylor Lautner. And because the show needed to find a way to bring back other season one regulars, Zayday, Chanel, Chanel #3, and Chanel #5 are brought in as C.U.R.E.’s med students.

“But wait!” you may be protesting. “Didn’t the Chanels get the blame for the Red Devil murders and should now be rotting away in a mental institution? And didn’t the Red Devil kill them? How did the show get them out of there?” Well, Security Guard Denise Hemphill had a video confession of Hester fessing up to the whole thing, and thanks to a Netflix-style Making a Murderer special (is it weird that that reference feels outdated to me? Or is it just my innate hatred of Ryan Murphy and Co.’s awkwardly shoehorned-in pop culture references?), the Chanels got exonerated and got crappy jobs in vaguely related medical settings to make ends meet: Chanel works at blood drives, #3 mops floors at a sperm clinic, and #5 is a receptionist at a dental office.

Insert your own joke about her vagina teeth here. Chanel went with a “braces for #3’s vagina teeth” one that I thought was kinda clever.

Oh, and wrapping up other bits of exposition: Zayday is the only one who actually cares about becoming a doctor, Dr. Holt has an evil hand transplant (okay, they didn’t say it was evil, but come on, those things usually are!), Dr. Cascade is always weirdly cold, there was a pointless scene arguing over the true definition of “ghosting” (there’s my rational hatred for Ryan Murphy’s awkward pop culture references again), and Chanel wants to win Dr. Holt’s penis heart.

Speaking of, here’s that John Stamos GIF I promised.

C.U.R.E.’s first patient is Catherine, who suffers from Werewolf Syndrome, meaning that she’s excessively hairy, and not that she howls at full moons and is vulnerable to silver bullets. Zayday proposes that they drill a small hole into Catherine’s brain to control her hair growth. This is essentially a lobotomy, but since Catherine has no other options, she agrees.

God, health care in America really sucks.

The Chanels find the nurse’s station and meet Nurse I.M. Hoffel aka Kirstie Alley, C.U.R.E.’s head of administration. “I have no idea why Munsch invited you here, but it must have been to kill you,” she says.

Wow, way to be subtle there, Ryan Murphy.

I.M. Hoffel warns the Chanels that she hates them and has her eye on them. The Chanels get in trouble for making fun of Catherine’s Sasquatch appearance and Zayday tattles to Dean Munsch (is she still a dean? I mean, this is a med school. I think? I have no clue and I don’t think Ryan Murphy does either), who punishes the Chanels by giving them extra homework. Furious, Chanel decides to find a way to upstage Zayday so she can graduate medical school faster and start a career as a famous TV doctor and rub it in Zayday’s face.

Conveniently, the best way to do this is to flirt with Dr. Holt. As they go over the facts of the case, Dr. Holt’s hand tries to choke Chanel, but luckily, the murderous impulse is interrupted when Dr. Holt realizes that Catherine has been eating a diet filled with an extreme amount of vitamin D, which explains her excessive hair growth.

He and Chanel stop the lobotomy and announce a hormone treatment plan for Catherine instead. The hormones work a little too well, and Catherine loses all of her hair, but the Chanels give her a makeover to even things out, which Catherine is actually happy with.

"Thank you girls for making me look like a tacky New Jersey housewife!"

“Thank you girls for making me look like a tacky New Jersey housewife!”

The Chanels are off to celebrate their success, but they bump into Nurse Hoffell, who insists that she’s still not impressed by the Chanels and they need to watch their backs. The Chanels ignore her, but Dean Munsch tells Nurse Hoffell to “keep riding them” because Dean Munsch has special plans for them. “So do I,” says Nurse Hoffell.

Chanel and #3 have landed dates with Dr. Holt and Dr. Cascade, so #5 is stuck with the graveyard shift. #5 starts a hydrotherapy treatment for Catherine, and then decides that since she’s so stressed, she’ll also do one. Except the hydrotherapy tubs are self-locking, so Catherine and #5 are trapped.

You know how Chanel always berates #5 for being a useless idiot? Now I see why.

And then the Green Meanie shows up for his first kill. He turns the lights green and plays “Be My Baby” by the Ronettes as he waves a knife around. See what I mean? He’s really not that scary if his killing music of choice is a delightful pop number from the ’60s.

But Catherine and #5 are naked and trapped, so I understand the fear. Catherine begs the Green Meanie to spare her and kill #5, but he cruelly beheads her and then turns to do the same to #5 just as the episode ends.

Is it bad that I’m only bummed out about this character dying because it means no more cheap vagina dentata jokes?

So who’s the killer?

At this point, it can be anyone, but let’s rank the top suspects.

  1. Dean Munsch – She probably lured the Chanels to her med school not out of the goodness of her heart, but because she wanted to off them once and for all.
  2. Nurse Hoffell – She’s awful and hates the Chanels. ‘Nuff said.
  3. Pregnant Blonde Lady’s Child – He was born, found out about Dr. Jerry O’Connell’s extreme medical malpractice, and wants revenge on the hospital.
  4. Dr. Brock Holt – He has a murderous hand, but he was on a date with Chanel, so he has an alibi.

Scream Count:

13

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Scream Queens

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  • ussafs3

    I used to be a big Sheena Easton fan, and I hated that song too. Prince ruined her.

    • 333 SC

      In more ways than one.