Scream Queens: Murder is only skin deep

Welcome to Ryan Murphy’s Scream Queens, where killers get away with murder and not in a fun, twisty How to Get Away with Murder kind of way, but because everyone is so stupid and willfully obtuse that it makes you wonder how there’s not a Purge-type scenario happening 24/7.

The police have arrived to investigate the murder of Catherine and Chanel #5–oh, wait Chanel #5 isn’t dead.

Hooray! Long live vagina dentata jokes!

Chanel ought to be more appreciative that her best material is still in play, but she, along with the police, believe #5 murdered Catherine, tracked green slime everywhere, locked herself in the hydrotherapy tub, and is now making up an un-scary story about a Green Meanie as a desperate bid for attention.

Chamberlain Williams, C.U.R.E.’s candy striper, was the only witness on the scene, and he reports that he saw nothing. Dean Munsch adds that she was in her office and didn’t hear anything, which makes Zayday suspicious.

Zayday is the only person who recognizes there’s another killer on the loose, and it’s only episode 2. Good for her! Most people don’t figure that out until halfway through the season. Zayday takes Chamberlain aside and tells him her theory that Dean Munsch has lured the Chanels to the C.U.R.E. to knock them off one by one.

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“And that’s a problem because…?”

Nevertheless, Chamberlain agrees to help Zayday.

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Meanwhile, C.U.R.E. deals with their second patient: Tyler, who suffers from warts growing all over his body. The good news is that there’s an expensive laser that will zap them off his body. The bad news is that the C.U.R.E. doesn’t have enough money to pay for it. #5 bonds with Tyler over being treated like a hideous monster, and after discovering that he’s actually hot underneath those warts (Tyler is played by Colton Haynes, after all), she promises to find a way to buy that laser.

She makes a cheesy video set to Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You” that features her crying on train tracks and sobbing against a tree. Although it’s extremely terrible and doesn’t even feature cute, sad-looking puppies, it’s surprisingly earnest. Of course, the other Chanels mock it, but concede that if #5 gets Tyler his laser surgery, he’ll be so grateful that he’ll feel obligated to become her boyfriend as a thank-you. That’s what the best relationships are based on: guilt and a sense of obligation.

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Why else did Brad and Angelina stay together for so long?

Dr. Holt and Chanel go on a movie date to see The Hand, which inspires his haunted hand to steal a handful of Red Vines and grope Chanel’s boob. Chanel is delighted that Dr. Holt is just as selfish and horny as her, and decides that she’s finally ready to move on from her college boyfriend, Chad.

Chanel’s happiness is interrupted when the Red Devil returns to kill her at the hospital. But wait! It’s not the Red Devil! It’s just Chad messing with Chanel as he hangs around C.U.R.E waiting for his friend Randal to get treatment. Chad explains that they went on a hunting trip with Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Ted Danson (which sounds like the best hunting trip of all time) and Randal accidentally shot Liz Cheney in the face. Because no good deed goes unpunished, Randal now has an incurable disease that causes him to scream all the time.

Now that Chad is back in town, he’s hoping to get back with Chanel and is not happy that Dr. Holt is groping on his lady. Dean Munsch puts down any feud between them, saying that fighting over Chanel’s boobs is like fighting over the Falklands. “A lot of work for a relatively small and insignificant amount of land,” she says.

Meanwhile, Zayday and Chamberlain begin their investigation into C.U.R.E. All Google results are scrubbed, so they check out the microfiche machine in the basement. Through flashbacks, they discover that Dr. Jerry O’Connell and the staff at Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering were massacred on Halloween by a cheesy costumed figure throwing CGI knives around and leaving behind a trail of green slime.

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But damn, the Green Meanie can lift.

On their way upstairs, they bump into a possibly high Nurse Hoffell, who tries to ask Zayday for information about the Chanels. Zayday refuses to answer any questions, which makes Nurse Hoffell angry and totally harshes her vibe.

Chad confronts Dr. Holt and challenges him to a squash game for the right to squash Chanel’s Falklands, if you know what I mean. Dr. Holt thinks Chad is being stupid and petty, but if it means getting him to back off so he can date Chanel in peace, then fine.

Oh, and did I mention they’re both nude in the showers during this sequence?

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“You wanna make out while we’re in here?”

Zayday and Chamberlain confront Dean Munsch about the hospital’s history and accuse her of wanting to kill the Chanels, but Dean Munsch insists she only wants to save lives—especially hers. Dean Munsch has a mysterious disease and needs everyone to help her find a cure. This doesn’t answer any questions about the hospital’s shady past, but Zayday feels sorry enough for Dean Munsch to let the investigation go.

The Green Meanie attempts to kill Dean Munsch when she leaves her office, and although she’s slowly dying, Dean Munsch has enough strength to take down the Green Meanie with a couple of manila folders and a helluva punch.

MacGyver, who?

Just as she’s about to unmask the Green Meanie, #3 and Dr. Cascade interrupt to ask what’s going on. The Green Meanie gets away and Dean Munsch puts in a new rule: if anyone’s about to unmask a possibly deranged killer, all questions should be saved until after the unmasking. It’s what the Scooby gang did, and look how many times they caught the bad guy.

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“And I would have gotten away with it if you meddling kids stopped to make small talk!”

Chad and Dr. Holt play squash against each other, and Chad suspects there’s something shady about Dr. Holt’s hand transplant. He calls up Kevin from The Office, who explains that Dr. Holt’s hand came from a squash player/serial killer. Chad confronts Dr. Holt and promises to expose his secret soon.

Dean Munsch calls in Special Agent Denise Hemphill to help with the Green Meanie killer. Denise claims that the only way to catch a killer is to think like one. She leads Dean Munsch in a reference to Silence of the Lambs visit to Hester’s cell, and for some reason, the Chanels tag along too.

Hester claims to know who the killer is, and offers to help in exchange for a bunch of discontinued beauty products and being transferred to the C.U.R.E. Dean Munsch and the Chanels reluctantly agree to her terms. Guess Hester will be C.U.R.E.’s next patient.

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Unfortunately, Kellie Pickler says there is no cure for crazy.

Zayday and Chamberlain use their amateur detective skills to figure out Dean Munsch’s mysterious illness. After learning that Dean Munsch spent time in Papa New Guinea and accidentally ate human meat (an excellent source of protein BTW), WebMD tells them that Dean Munsch has contracted an incurable disease that only cannibals get, and will probably die within the year.

Hey, there’s Jamie Lee Curtis’ shot to jump ship for a better show.

Dean Munsch begs Zayday to keep her disease a secret, but unbeknownst to them, Nurse Hoffel is eavesdropping on their conversation.

As a reward for falling in love with a hideous beast aka Chanel #5, Chanel and #3 gift Taylor the expensive laser to fix his skin. Taylor is excited and FaceTimes #5 from his hospital bed before he goes into surgery that evening. But wait! Taylor isn’t supposed to have surgery until the next day!

#5 quickly figures out something is wrong, which is surprising, because this is the same girl who locked herself in a hydrotherapy tub in the previous episode, but I guess love makes you a better, smarter person.

The Chanels’ rush to the hospital is scored to “Holding Out for a Hero” by Bonnie Rait, which is an excellent choice when racing for true love, as proven in Shrek 2. Unfortunately, they’re too late, and the Green Meanie has already lasered Taylor to death.

As #5 grieves, Chanel announces that they must stop another killer on the loose.

Wow, it’s only episode 2 and everyone is on the lookout for the killer. But who could it be?

  1. Nurse Hoffell – She’s spying on Dean Munsch and has it out for the Chanels.
  2. Dr. Brock Holt – He has a killer backhand—literally.
  3. Pregnant Blonde Lady – The Green Meanie first appeared in the ’80s. Maybe PBL is still out for revenge.
  4. Someone From Season 1 That We Forgot – Hester claims to know the killer, and if that’s true, it must be someone from college. Too bad I can’t remember any of the characters from there.
  5. Zayday – Denise Hemphill knows there’s something not right about her, and maybe she does know what she’s talking about. She’s a Special Agent now, after all. Do you think they let anybody into Quantico? … Wait, don’t answer that.

Scream Count:

18

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Scream Queens

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