Scream Queens: Let's Give Thanks

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Welcome to Ryan Murphy’s Scream Queens where nothing makes sense and I need to accept this or else I’ll never make it through the season.

Chanel smugly informs Chad that she has killed Hester so now nothing can stop them from being together. Instead of being horrified at the murderous impulses of his already evil girlfriend, Chad is aroused at the thought of a dead body hanging out in the sorority’s meat locker. However, when they go to the meat locker, Hester’s body is gone! “Who keeps taking all the dead bodies?” demands Chanel and the audience at home.

Well, I don’t think it’s Gigi and the Red Devil Mastermind because they’re chilling in a fancy hotel room. Gigi thanks the Red Devil Mastermind for killing Boone since he was threatening their big master plan….whatever that is.

Meanwhile, #3 goes home for Thanksgiving and is upset that her super wealthy family is completely self-absorbed and don’t even ask her about the deranged serial killer roaming around campus. #3 is also annoyed that her family insists on eating TV dinners instead of having a real Thanksgiving meal like a real family. She declares that she is never coming back home and heads back to campus…where the deranged serial killer is still roaming around.

#3 hears noise coming from the sorority house kitchen and is surprised to see Dean Munsch.

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“What? Can’t a lady wield a butcher knife in the kitchen where people have been murdered?”

Dean Munsch explains that she has nowhere to go for Thanksgiving and decided to stay in the sorority house “because you have the best cooking facilities although you never seem to use them”. #3 proposes they hang out for Thanksgiving together.

Grace and Zayday are also at the Kappa house and in a phone call to her dad, Grace gives the stupidest justification ever: they felt weird leaving the house behind. I didn’t realize one could develop such an attachment to a house that they’ve only lived in for nine episodes, but okay. Wes tries to convince Grace to make up and she reluctantly invites him to the sorority house’s impromptu Thanksgiving dinner.

Meanwhile, at a more formal Thanksgiving, Chanel is making a bad impression on the Radwell family. Turns out, Chad never told the family that he had a girlfriend and his mother Bunny doesn’t think Chanel’s money is old enough for the family. After some awkward exposition, Bunny claims she is thankful that Chad has not been murdered yet and will have a long life ahead of him…where he can meet different women. Insulted, Chanel attempts to attack her hopeful future mother-in-law from across the table but the catfight is interrupted when the butler announces another guest has arrived: Hester.

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“Crap. Now this dinner is going to be even more awkward.”

Hester claims she is pregnant to the family but Chanel insists that she is lying. Nevertheless, Bunny calls both of them “gold digging hoochies” and tells Chad that he has brought shame on their family. Mr. Radwell attempts to bribe Chanel to leave and when Chanel whines to Chad to stand up to her, he points out that she is the least impressive to his family: she is violent, tried and failed to kill Hester, and has terrible tastes in clothes. Okay, he didn’t say the last one, but he should’ve. Chanel’s wardrobe looks like Oscar the Grouch’s fur clippings.

If you think Radwell Thanksgiving is awkward, nothing beats the Kappa Thanksgiving where Dean Munsch suggests everyone gives their theories on who the Red Devil killers are. Dean Munsch accuses #3 due to her Charles Manson heritage and #3 shoots back that Dean Munsch is probably the killer. She has a vendetta against Kappa and despite her claims of having nothing to do with her ex-husband’s murder, everyone knows Dean Munsch totally did it. However, Wes interrupts and announces that he knows who the killer is: Grace.

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“Who, me?”

#5 (Yeah, #5’s here. I guess Abigail Breslin couldn’t get the episode off) gives her theory that Grace found out that her mom was an awful Kappa sister and decided to wreak havoc on the house and has so far avoided suspicion since Grace is the one leading the murder investigation. Pette stops by the Kappa house–Jeez, does anyone have any parents to go home to on this holiday?–to drop off a box of evidence he found. Wes explains why he thinks Grace is the killer: she was actually at the Kappa house on the day the former sorority president got her spray tan mixed with acid and he saw her talking to the Red Devil. Grace explains she was with Pete, who has been established to own a Red Devil costume. Wes is all, “Okay never mind then. Thanks for telling me this and now we can go back to that weirdly co-dependent father/daughter relationship we used to have” but he’s accidentally convinced everyone to turn on Grace too. Pete announces that Wes is actually the killer, not Grace.

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“Are you trying to sabotage my weirdly co-dependent father/daughter relationship?”

At the Radwell’s, Hester and Chanel are forced to team up for Pictionary since the other Radwells think they’re trash. After the Radwells use the game to insult Hester and call her a “neckbrace whore”. Chanel stands up to them and defends Hester. The girls decide to leave the mansion together and Chanel vows she will never speak to Chad again. “Okay, but you say that a lot,” he points out. Nevertheless,  banding together against stuck up rich people brings the girls closer together and they forget about that whole silly “I’m literally going to murder you for Chad’s love” feud they had.

Pete gives his “orgy of evidence” on why Wes is obviously the killer: he went to the university as an undergrad and probably knew about Kappa’s secret tunnels, there is security footage of him hanging around the the sorority’s meat locker, and he wanted Grace to stay away from Kappa at all costs. Pete produces the most damning piece of evidence: Wes is the father of the Kappa twins.

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“I wish Maury presented this paternity test.”

Wes is in shock that his his children are committing the murders and Grace comforts him. She tells them that she will help him catch them and the two officially make up. Grace tells him that she will have no problem sending her half siblings to jail because he and the other Kappa girls are her real family.

Chanel and Hester return to the Kappa house in time for the turkey to be served and Chad also joins them. He apologizes to Chanel and they get back together. So much for sisterhood.

Anyway, the turkey is served but when they lift the lid over the silver platter, Gigi’s decapitated head is on the plate.

Looks like no one is going to be eating this Thanksgiving.

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Scream Queens

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