Scream Queens: It's not easy being a Green Meanie
Welcome to Ryan Murphy’s Scream Queens, a show that has more terrible twist endings that How to Get Away With Murder. As you know, I am tired of recapping this show and am handing the reins over to the one person who loves this show: Chanel Oberlin herself. The Agony Booth is not responsible for any of the mean and hurtful things they say. especially to each other. Take it away, Chanel!
Nurse Awful (and I mean “awful”, not Hoffel) is making the Chanels and I work the creepy late shift at the hospital. And where is Zayday during all of this? Kidnapped by the serial killer of the season AGAIN.
Seriously, that girl will do anything to get out of doing any real work around here.
Anyway, I go to check on a patient and to my horror, the Green Meanie broke into the hospital and covered a patient’s bed with branches and moss and other gross swamp materials. But the real horror is how he dressed up a mannequin as a Kappa sister and then stabbed her!
There are no more Chanel minions to take the fall (Susan’s Note: I am particularly still mourning Tristan, the male Chanel fanboy) so we have to split up, run as fast as our designer heels can carry us, and pray that #5 is the one who gets offed so the rest of us can survive.
As we run around the floor trying to escape, it becomes apparent that there are three Green Meanies waving around machetes in cheap polyester costumes. #3 is safe because her boyfriend, Dr. Cascade, keep the other Green Meanies from attacking her but there’s no one to protect me.
Luckily, Dr. Cascade and Wes get into a fight over who gets to kill me so the Chanels and I manage to sneak away and run to Starbucks and enjoy our basic white girl pumpkin spice lattes.
The three Green Meanies–Dr. Cascade, Wes, and Nurse Awful–unmask to argue over who gets to kill which Chanel. Hester interrupts and announces that it is time to call a Green Meanie Summit to divvy up the murders once and for all.
The Green Meanies finally take credit for the past murders.
Dr. Cascade: Wolf Chick, Tyler aka #5’s Only Shot at Love, Chad’s screaming friend,The Hamiltons from the Halloween party, Tristan, Chanels #9, #10 and #11
Wes: The Orgasm Lady, Chamberlain, Chad Radwell (RIP Chad), attacked Denise
Nurse Awful: Chanels #9 and 10, the reporter guy
God, Nurse Awful is even terribly at murdering people and that’s like, a super easy thing to do. I killed someone by accident and it wasn’t even that hard.
Now the summit has to decide who is going to kill the remaining Chanels. Dr. Cascade tries to keep #3 but Wes and Nurse Awful insist that no Chanel can be left alive. Wes and Nurse Awful both want to kill me but Hester points out that even though Wes’s daughter is insane, she’s still alive while Nurse Awful’s sister had her face fried off.
The Green Meanies take a vote and decide that Dr. Cascade must kill #3, Nurse Awful gets to kill me, and Wes can kill #5, the Chanel minions, and Dean Munsch.
Meanwhile, the Chanels and I are taking a break from a hard day of doctor-ing or whatever it is we do at the hospital to watch our favorite show, Loving the D. The host, Dr. Scarlett Loving is rich, hot, famous, and most importantly, a former Kappa sister. We are rudely interrupted from our programming because Dean Munsch is showing around yet another reporter. He wants to know if we’ve taken the MCATs and we’re like, “What are those?”and he’s like, “Uh, you need them to get into med school” and we’re like, “But we want to be TV doctors like Dr. Scarlett Lovin. All the credentials you need for that are a hot body and sparkling personality, which we have in spades, loser.”
But he may have a point about the MCAT things because when Dr.Scarlett Lovin stops by the C.U.R.E. because her show wants to film Dr. Holt and the Chanels performing a live surgery, her producers get all nervous when they find out that Chanels and I aren’t real medical students. We promise to take the MCATs and pass because when you’re so close to achieving your dreams, you will put the work in to follow through.
I explain this to Dr. Holt when he helps me study for the MCAT and he tries to choke me and not in a fun, Fifty Shades kind of way. Like a “I want to murder you even though I got another non-murdering hand transplant so I shouldn’t want to murder you but here I am, choking you!” kind of way.
I run away and bump into Nurse Awful, who is a surprising source of comfort. She tells me that I should focus on passing the MCATs so I can get on Dr. Lovin’s show. She also tries to get me to relax by drawing a therapy peanut oil bath which is supposed to make my skin soft and beautiful, but hello! It already is, but thanks for the offer.
Similarly, Dr. Holt gets advice about our relationship from Hester. Hester simply tells him that I am a terrible person (NOT TRUE!) and his murderous urges are simply natural because everyone wants to kill me. Okay, since there are three Green Meanies after me this season, I will admit she’s got a point there.
But then this truck stop hooker of an elephant hits on my boyfriend, implying that he should be with someone who understands his “hot murderous impulses”.
If Dr. Holt is going to insist on cheating on me, he better only do it with one nasty skank. My vagina will not be exposed to both Dean Munsch AND Hester by proxy.
Wes proposes teaming up with Dr. Cascade: Wes will kill me and the two will pin all of the murders on Nurse Awful. Dr. Cascade agrees because he and his mom kinda forgot about who is going to take the blame when the hospital gets shut down and the police really start coming around and asking questions.
#3, when she finally meets Pregnant Blonde Lady, tries to point out that it’s stupid to kill a bunch of patients and people who are unrelated to her husband’s death in the 80s but Pregnant Blonde Lady is a total bitch and tells #3 that she’s not good enough for Dr. Cascade. And because he’s such a momma’s boy, he doesn’t stand up for her!
#3 is totally heartbroken.
Well, whatever it’s time for us to take our MCATs and surprise, surprise: WE PASS!
How did we do it? We wore ear pieces and our hot doctor boyfriends (yes, #3 and I both made up Dr. Cascade and Dr. Holt) gave us the answers to the test as we went along. #5 doesn’t have a boyfriend so she had to do it all on her own and still got a 525 which is 3 points away from a perfect score or something but really, she wouldn’t have had to work so hard if she had a hot boyfriend to help her.
Which she will never have because #5 is too disgusting.
Anyway, we start the Lovin’ the D segment and oh no! Someone poisons Dr. Scarlett Lovin so she dies on set! But as they say, the show must go on! Thankfully, none of us are tired from the last-minute MCAT and head straight into surgery to remove a 16 pound tumor from some kid’s head. I am a natural on camera and after the successful surgery, the producers inform us Chanels that they want us to be the permanent replacements on Lovin’ the D!
Our dreams are finally coming true!
But when you get everything you want, there are some people who are going to be jealous of you. It’s a struggle I’ve had to deal with my entire life. Naturally, the Green Meanies are pissed that the Chanels and I are going to live fabulously ever after but Dr. Cascade and Nurse Awful turn on Wes for trying to break the Green Meanie Summit.
Nurse Awful and Dr. Cascade claim to have found Wes fell into the fry oil bath he was setting up to kill the Chanels and everyone gets lulled into a false sense of security, thinking the Green Meanie is finally dead.
Dean Munsch faints in the middle of hospital and when she comes to, she admits that she is dying and only has a month to live.
Personally, I can’t wait. Maybe then my boyfriend will finally stop cheating on me.
Scream Count: 12 (But two of those were happy screams when the Chanels and I got our TV show)