Scream Queens: I Ain't Afraid of No Ghost!

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Welcome to Ryan Murphy’s Scream Queens, where everyone and I mean everyone is terribly stupid.

Boone walks around campus on the phone with The Other Red Devil discussing how they need to get rid of Gigi. No one recognizes him because with his fake beard, everyone assumes he is Joaquin Phoenix. Like I said, everyone is terribly stupid. Boone’s cover is almost threatened when #3 bumps into him and his beard falls off. However, she doesn’t realize that Boone faked his death–she assumes he is a ghost haunting the campus. Boone goes along with it and makes his escape.

At the Kappa House, Chanel smugly brags about how Chad has invited her to his house for Thanksgiving. This means their relationship is finally serious and she can expect an engagement ring by Christmas. “I have successful used the sorority for it’s God-given purpose…making me popular enough to land a hot, rich husband!” squeals Chanel. Again, wasn’t this the same girl who made a “I am feminist, hear me roar!” speech? The other Chanels are concerned when Chanel offhandedly mentions how Chad’s house in the Hamptons is haunted by a rejected girlfriend while Hester seethes with jealousy. The girls celebrate Chanel’s totally impending nuptials and their last night in Kappa house together.

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“And setting back feminism…Yay!”

Meanwhile, Grace mopes in her room and tells Zayday that she is planning to secretly stay after the campus shuts down. Zayday points out this is stupid and Grace should just go home with her dad and Gigi. “My dad lied about the most important thing in my life: who I am and where I came from,” pouts Grace.  So Grace would rather investigate a serial killer rather than spending Thanksgiving with her father and his weird girlfriend who may be a serial killer herself? Wait, I see Grace has a point here. Zayday solves the situation by inviting Grace to spend Thanksgiving with her. “I’m so glad neither of us has been killed,” sighs Grace. “Then whose house would I hide out at for Thanksgiving?”

As the Kappas pack up the house with the help of Denise Hemphill, #3 admits she saw the ghost of Boone. Denise thinks the girls’ imaginations are just acting up so to distract them, she tells them scary Japanese stories set in bathrooms. This does not have the desired effect–the girls are still terrified and now the toilet has been added to their list of fears.

Chad is packing for his Thanksgiving trip when Boone shows up in his room. Like #3, Chad immediately assumes Boone is a ghost. Boone explains he has unfinished business on Earth and needs to go on a date with Zayday to be brought back to life.

“But aren’t you supergay?” asks Chad. “And how does dating Zayday  resurrect you?”

“Uh…haven’t you heard the phrase ‘Once you go black, you never go back’?” responds Boone. Chad believes this story and lends Boone a nice shirt for his date.

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Like I said, everyone is terribly stupid.

Denise Hemphill is attacked in the bathroom by the Red Devil, and she runs to tell the Kappas that he is in the house. Instead of running for their lives, Denise insists that one of the girls tell her a ghost story so she can calm down. Hester quickly tells one, much to everyone’s relief. #5 yells at the group for being terribly stupid and not taking the chance to run away. “If there’s anything that we’ve learned from all this is that he’s crazier than us and smarter than us…he’s not going to stop until all of us are dead!” she says. She storms off and goes home, although she acknowledges that there is the possibility that the killer will hunt them down.

Zayday finishes packing with the help of Black British Boy, who is apparently her boyfriend. How long does it take these people to pack? Give me the knowledge that a serial killer is after me, and I’ll be packed in five minutes. He points out that it’s weird that they are supposedly dating and still haven’t kissed. They finally do so, and Black British Boy leaves Zayday to get the materials for romantic “The writers finally remembered we are dating!” sex.  When he is gone, Boone breaks into Zayday’s room and attempts to convince her that he is a ghost and the two should have sex.

It was romantic when Patrick Swayze did it!

Unfortunately for Boone, the writers gave Zayday a brain, and she tells him that he obviously faked his death. Grace comes in and also sees him. The two realize Boone faked his death to cover up the fact that he is the Red Devil, and they attempt to haul him to the police station. However, they accidentally knock Boone out of Zayday’s window. They go downstairs and inform the remaining Kappas about what happened. Zayday and Grace look for Boone’s fallen body, but it turns out he is already up and about and in his Red Devil costume. Boone kills Black British Boy as he returns to the Kappa house. He also hides in #5’s car as she drives away from campus. A passing trucker warns her that there is someone in the backseat and convinces #5 pulls over to investigate. The Red Devil stabs the trucker, and #5 wastes no time making her own getaway.

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Attagirl. 

Back on campus, Hester interrupts Chad as he is packing to demand why he isn’t taking her home for Thanksgiving. Chad tells Hester that she has “bum genes” and isn’t as rich as Chanel and therefore isn’t good enough for his family. Furious, Hester returns to the Kappa house where everyone is reeling over the information that Boone is a Red Devil. #5 is also there because she wanted sympathy after being attacked. I take back my “Attagirl.” She should have kept driving until she got to American Horror Story. Hester announces to the house that she has been sleeping with Chad and is now pregnant with his baby. Chanel goes to confront Chad and is devastated to find out that it is the truth. “I guess I gotta marry her now,” sighs Chad. He offers to let Chanel be his mistress, but she is offended by the proposition. She warns Chad that he will pay the ultimate price as she leaves, and Chad worries that she is the killer.

Chanel runs back to Kappa house and tells them that she was wrong about sororities being good for catching husbands and how sororities are all about sisterhood. And in the spirit of sisterhood, Chanel suggests they kill Hester so Chanel can focus on making Chad her husband. Don’t worry, everyone acknowledge the irony. Meanwhile, Grace and Zayday talk to the police and are furious that the police really think Boone is a ghost and hired a paranormal investigator. Dean Munsch takes the girls’ side and kicks out the detectives. Dean Munsch admits to Grace and Zayday that there were two babies born in Kappa–a boy and a girl. “I knew it!” crows Grace smugly. “Congratulations on making this moment all about you,” snarks Dean Munsch.

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Crap, now she’s going to think she was that bathtub baby again.

Meanwhile, The Other Red Devil and Boone meet with Gigi, who berates Boone for letting his crush on Zayday ruin their plan. Boone tells Gigi that they won’t be taking orders from her anymore, but the Other Red Devil kills him instead. “Your commitment to revenge is stronger than your brother’s,” Gigi says admiringly.

At the Kappa house, the girls trick Hester into eating foods that are bad for pregnant women. Caught in her lies, Hester admits that she lied about being pregnant but it doesn’t matter since she has already been invited to Chad’s house for Thanksgiving and she will just get pregnant then. Furious, Chanel pushes Hester down the stairs and kills her. The other Chanels are horrified, but Chanel doesn’t care. “I’m confident that I will redeem myself morally in everyone’s eyes,” she shrugs. “Now let’s get her into the meat locker.”

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Scream Queens

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