Scream Queens: Chanel is bad at sex

Welcome to Ryan Murphy’s Scream Queens, a show that 75% of the cast is too good for. As you know, I am tired of recapping this show and am handing the reins over to the one person who loves this show: Chanel Oberlin herself. For this episode, Dean Cathy Munsch will also take over. The Agony Booth is not responsible for any of the mean and hurtful things they say. especially to each other. Take it away, ladies!

I’m annoyed that Dean Carpet Munsch -er is co-writing this recap, but since it features a lot of the both us and our romantic rivalry, I am forced to oblige so we can get “the other perspective”.

Does anyone else have a problem that a strong female character is only defined in relation to her romances and sexual prowess?

I am not defined by my romances! I’m also young and hot and the victim of a crazed murderer!

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I’m not talking about you; I’m talking about myself.

Ew. Anyway, guess who stops by the C.U.R.E.? It’s Wes, Grace’s dad! You remember Grace, right? She was the “star” of the season 1 before I stole the scene. Well, Wes is Grace’s moderately attractive dad.

And I banged him.

Again, ew. And double ew to Wes, who showed up the hospital looking like a hot mess and not a “hot” hot mess.

Just a mess

Just a mess

Ever since I left Wes, it appears he went into a downward spiral. But can you blame me? The man was making craft beer and growing a beard and writing a book about quarters. Quarters! It was peak white hipster and I couldn’t take it.

So apparently, Wes developed trichophagio to deal with the stress of me leaving him and we had to remove a literal hairball from his stomach. But now that he is moderately attractive again, I accept his offer to get back together, which makes Dr. Holt jealous.

EX-CUSE me, but Dr. Holt is not jealous. In fact, the two of us had a romantic dinner later that night where he regaled me with stories about his–something, I wasn’t really paying attention–and I experimented with Snapchat filters.

And then you had terrible sex.

This girl was under John Stamos and didn't appreciate it.

This girl got to be under John Stamos and all she did was be under John Stamos. Pathetic.

Dr. Holt accidentally says my name during bed because he misses me, which angers Chanel so she puts a stop to the sex.

As if that’s some great loss.

Meanwhile, Zayday and Chamberlain team up, Scully and Bones-style, to catch the Green Meanie. They set a trap for him in the hospital and rip off a piece of his costume fabric to track down the store where the costume was purchased from. Also Scully and Bones-style, the two work through their sexual tension. Zayday asks Chamberlain to stop being so “thirsty”, as the kids say.

And who better to turn to advice to than the Chanels? We’re young, tech savvy, and experts in romance.

3

The sound #5 hears is the sound of Dean Munsch laughing hysterically in the background.

I show Chamberlain an app on his phone that will block him from over-texting Zayday as she goes to visit various costume and fabric stores to track down who the Green Meanie is. The trail leads back to Pregnant Blonde Lady, who doesn’t help throw off suspicion by admitting that she has vowed against revenge against the hospital and raised her son to hold a grudge as well AND OH MY GOD THIS IS SO BORING CAN WE TALK ABOUT ME, PLEASE?

I am in a crisis over what to do about Dr. Holt. What can I do? Take sex classes to become better at sex? I’m hot! The privilege of seeing me naked should be enough for Dr. Holt but according to Hester, I need to bridge our generational difference. Instead of him learning about Snapchat and Instagram or other things I am into, I have to crack open a history book and see whatever those equivalents were back in the 50s.

Here’s a hint: there were no equivalents.

But because I love my hot doctor boyfriend, the Chanels and I throw a 1940s themed party to show Dr. Holt that we do belong together. But then he gets offended that I think he’s that old.

The real offender is #5 dressed up as Shirley Temple

The real offender is #5 dressed up as Shirley Temple

Meanwhile, I am in bed with Wes in the afterglow of our amazing sex–something that Chanel is unfamiliar with–when the Green Meanie attacks. Fortunately, we are able to fight him off together.

I think you mean “unfortunately”. “Fortunately” applies to Dr.Holt and me because he has decided to recommit to me after realizing that my grand gesture was a way to understand him and his generation so our love could grow.

Sure, Chanel.

Sure, Chanel.

In reality, Dr. Holt approached me and offered to start an affair on the side. He could get a hot 24 year old to parade around and get his needs–both sexual and intellectual–met by me. And me? I get to bang two of the hottest guys on the cast and the knowledge that once again, I am better in bed.

Um, that’s completely false! And you know what? One of those guys you are banging AKA Wes is actually super mad at you for driving his daughter insane and as discovered by Chamberlain, he purposely ate a bad of hair so he could be admitted to the C.U.R.E. and take you out and blame it on the Green Meanie!

He also wants to kill you and the Chanels.

Oh, whatever. Everyone’s always trying to kill me.

Speaking of getting killed: Chamberlain gets murdered by Wes for discovering his plan and Zayday gets captured as prisoner by Pregnant Blonde Lady.

Oh, she’s a terrible amateur detective.

I know, right? Hopefully she’s next on the kill list.

So Who is the Other Green Meanie?

  1. Pregnant Blonde Lady – She raised her son to be a killer so is it a stretch that she could be one too?
  2. Grace – She escape from the insane asylum and wants to kill the revenge–and finally earn screentime again
  3. Some Other Character We Forgot From Season 1 – I’m sure there’s another Kappa pledge Chanel drove to murder. We just have to remember who…

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Scream Queens

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