Scream Queens: Bloody Hell

Welcome to Ryan Murphy’s Scream Queens, where all the good characters (see Chad, Denise Hemphill, and Tristan the Stalker) get killed off too soon. As you all know, I am tired of recapping this show and will be handing the reins to Chanel Oberline herself. Keep in mind, we at the Agony Booth are not responsible for any of the horrible things she says. Take it away, Chanel!

Dean Munsch calls a meeting to yell at us for the crappy blood bags that have been administered to patients lately. #3 explains she thought it would be a smart idea to reuse the blood spilled from the Green Meanie murders on patients because she’s super into recycling these days.

This is what Jill Stein’s America would look like, people. Don’t vote green.

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Dean Munsch announces there will be a blood drive and I am so excited for it. I’m a trained phlebotomist (that’s the shaky medical qualification I have to be a “med student” at C.U.R.E.) and it was Nurse Nurse Awful Hoffel’s idea to turn the blood drive into a competition. Whoever gets the most people to donate blood wins a vacation to Blood Island!

Nurse Hoffel gets a voiceover narration at the beginning of the episode and I know what you’re thinking: “Yawn! What do I care about some sad, pill-popping middle-aged woman has to say? Get back to Chanel!” Well, I appreciate your loyalty but Nurse Hoffel is actually relevant in this episode. Hoffel was related to my White Mammy from season 1 whom I accidentally murdered when I dunked her face into a deep fryer for some reason I can’t remember. Whatever. She probably deserved it.

Ah college. I miss those days.

Ah college. I miss those days.

Anyway, Hoffel wants revenge because somehow that murder was the Chanels’ fault. Um, maybe if White Mammy was actually good at her job, I wouldn’t have murdered her. Did Hoffel ever think of that? No, some people just want to play the victim when there are real victims (read: me) out there.

For all her declarations for revenge, Hoffel doesn’t have the ovaries to kill us Chanels so she’s not the Green Meanie. Her idea of getting us back is to keep reporting us to the Green Meanie tip line and turn the blood drive into a competition,;have the prize be an all-expenses trip to Blood Island, which is filled with deadly spiders and volcanic ash; and then hope one of the Chanels wins it.

To be fair, I probably am going to win. I love blood, I love all-expense trips, and I could use a free vacation to whisk Dr. Holt on a romantic getaway. But stupid Dean Munsch poisons Dr. Holt against me, telling him that I must have HPV or some other STD because I’m young and hot therefore extremely sexually active. I mean, I am but I don’t appreciate some withered hag who probably has dust come out every time she opens her legs for my leftovers interfering with my love life! So before we do the nasty, Dr. Holt wants me to get tested for every STD to make sure I’m not nasty.

We did make out a little, though. Be jealous :)

We did make out a little, though. Be jealous 🙂

Nurse Hoffel interrupts our kissing to make me go deal with another police interview. Dr. Holt offers to have sex with her to welcome her to the hospital, but she turns him down. Wow. She really is committed to this revenge thing.

Hester is bored hiding at our apartment all day and no one will give her the Netflix password so I confess to Dean Munsch that we have been hiding her and convince her to let Hester work at the C.U.R.E. under the name “Donna Summer”. Hester gets to deal with the Patient of the Week, some lame Goth kid who thinks he’s a vampire and not the romantic Edward Cullen sparkling in the sunlight kind or the hot Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt kind. The Count Von Count kind.

One lame ass vampire! Ah! Ah! Ah!

One lame ass vampire! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Dean Munsch is seen stealing blood from the hospital and the next day, informs me that I have tested positive for all of the STDs and I mean, all of them. Coincidence? I think not! Dean Munsch clearly switched my blood sample because there’s no way I have every single STD known to make. Sure, I only used condoms occasionally but I was having sex with other hot people and “No glove, no love” is reserved for ugly people who shouldn’t reproduce.

Dean Munsch takes great pleasure watching Dr. Holt dump me, but the worse part is that she disqualifies me from the blood drive and puts herself in the lead. Now she’ll get that romantic vacation to Blood Island with Dr. Holt.

It was a really sad day, everyone. It was my own personal 9/11.

I stole blood from a local blood drive to try to recapture my lead but that stupid slore Hester used all of the blood I had already collect to help Count von Lame break his blood addiction. Dean Munsch, of course, doesn’t take my side but at least she tells Hester to find another way to cure Count von Lame or else Hester will go back to jail.

Meanwhile, Zayday hopes to use the blood drive to confirm if Chamberlain is Blonde Pregnant Lady’s son. Of course, the audience already knows that Dr. Cascade is her son but Zayday is dumb and thinks her Nancy Drew act will confirm that it’s Chamberlain.She even goes to Pregnant Blonde Lady’s house to try to take a blood sample!

Chamberlain confronts Zayday about her suspicions and offers to give a sample to prove he’s not the killer. But Zayday is doing this lone wolf thing right now so she tells Chamberlain she can’t trust him.

Whatever. Let's go back to me. I don't have eye-roll worthy outfits.

Whatever. Let’s go back to me. I don’t have eye-roll worthy outfits.

I’ve already drained #5 of blood so I set my sights on one of the new Chanels, a Goth who is afraid of needles. I remind her that it is selfish to prevent other people’s happiness–namely, mine. Because I’m such an amazing phlebotomist, I cure her of her fear. And who says I’m not a kind person? Besides my parents, passing strangers, and my court-appointed therapist who diagnosed me with a severe lack of empathy?

I pass Dr. Holt in the hallway and I offer to let him bang me with a condom, but Dr. Holt is still grossed out by the STDS THAT I SWEAR I DO NOT HAVE. As I sob over this devastating heartbreak, the Green Meanie attacks my Goth Chanel. Nurse Hoffel interrupts and offers to team up to shut down C.U.R.E. The Green Meanie agrees and reveals himself to be Dr. Cascade, as suspected. However, he asks if Hoffel is “the other Green Meanie” because he hasn’t been committing all of the murders.

So there are two Green Meanies? God, I need more Chanel minions. Any takers in the comments sections? Let’s not pretend you have anything better to do.

So Dr.Cascade/The Green Meanie drains Goth Chanel of all her blood, a horrifying sight.

On the bright side, I totally won the blood drive!

On the bright side, I totally won the blood drive!

Dean Munsch immeadiately suspects Hester because she needed more blood for Count von Lame’s aversion therapy. However, Hester suppressed her murderous impulses and used the so-called contaminated the blood I donated. She uses it to successful cure Count von Lame of his blood addiction and explains to Dean Munsch that no, she’s not the killer and most importantly, MY BLOOD WASN’T FILLED WITH STDS.

Like I suspected, Dean Munsch tampered with my sample to sabotage my relationship with Dr. Holt and Nurse Hoffel declares me the winner of the contest. So her evil plan worked and now I’m going to die on Blood Island, right? If that idiot whore did her research, she would know that I only fly private and charted a private jet for my trip. I reject her prize and demand a cash reward because if I’m not going on a romantic vacation, I want some money for Black Friday shopping.

Business select? What am I, an six-figure earning upper middle class business man? Please!

Business select? What am I, an six-figure earning upper middle class business man? Please!

Chamberlain reports to Zayday that he got a sample of Pregnant Lady’s DNA, which he then used to determine her blood type. She’s O+, hospital records show that her husband was O+, so logically, the killer must be O+ too! Chamberlain is AB+ or something so they go to analyze the blood types of the other hospital staff. Dr. Cascade knew they were coming and switches his blood bag with Dr. Holt’s so now Zayday, Chamberlain, and Dean Munsch think he is the killer.

“The proof is in the pudding. Blood pudding that is,” says Dean Munsch.

Ugh, she is the worst.

Dr. Holt gets angry and this activate his murderous hands. He warns Dean Munsch that she will be sorry and all of the hospital staff deserves to die. I’m assuming he is excluding me from that threat because as we all know, I don’t really work.

Dr. Cascade presents Nurse Hoffel with a Green Meanie costume and together, they go stalk the hospital halls. So if we know she’s the other Green Meanie, who is the other other Green Meanie?

Who is the Killer?

  1. Pregnant Blonde Lady herself– Maybe she’s been wreaking havoc without her son’s knowledge.
  2. Hester– She is the only other murderous person
  3. A Yet to Be Revealed Character–Let’s face it, out of everyone left in the cast, no one else is smart enough to get away with murder this long.

Scream Count: 8

Happy Thanksgiving, you idiot hookers! Be sure to eat lots of turkey and mashed potatoes so I can make fun of you for being fat!

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Scream Queens

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