Santa with Muscles (1996) (part 4 of 11)

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Well, it’s back to that old lady from the Childrens [Sic] Mission sleeping by her globe of cash. The two hoodlums are still just standing there, so apparently it’s taken the last ten minutes for them to work up the nerve to do the idiotic thing they do next.

Anarchy Guy comes up and puts the Globe-O-Cash under his shirt for another supposedly amusing image. See, he looks like he’s pregnant. And men can’t be pregnant! Isn’t that hilarious?

He asks D.A.R.E. Guy to help him out, because “this thing’s heavy!” Even though, really, it’s just a cheap plastic bowl with maybe 20 one-dollar bills inside. Either way, D.A.R.E. Guy puts his hand on Anarchy Guy’s “belly” as they continue to walk along. Wacky!

Santa with Muscles (1996) (part 4 of 11)

“You dumbass! Who told you to steal that apostrophe?”

Unfortunately, Anarchy drops the globe, spilling money everywhere. The two guys crouch down and start shoving cash in their pockets while still on the floor of the mall in plain view. You’d think this would gain the interest of mall security, but remarkably, no one shows up. I guess the Lakeview Mall hired the same crack outfit from the casino in 3000 Miles to Graceland.

As it turns out, the little girl who was asking Hulk for a hundred different things is the only one to come over and investigate. The crooks tell her they’re “Santa’s little helpers” but the girl doesn’t buy it. She takes a deep breath and screeches, “SAAAANTAAA!” Hulk takes a kid off his lap and hands him off to Lenny so he can go and answer the call.

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Hulk confronts the crooks, saying, “Someone’s been very naughty!” For some reason, Anarchy Guy suddenly has his own Italian Jersey goomba thing going on. He talks some trash, then starts taking swings at Hulk. And I have to say, you’ve gotta be one pathetic sack of shit to punch a guy in a Santa Claus suit. Way pathetic.

Needless to say, Hulk just takes the blows without flinching. Instead, he swings and knocks Anarchy Guy flat, and all the kids cheer while a deafening rendition of “Deck the Halls” blasts in the background.

Meanwhile, D.A.R.E. Guy rips a picket off the white picket fence and comes at Hulk with it. Sorry, but after you’ve had someone threaten you with a tire iron and a weed whacker, this just isn’t all that intimidating. Hulk easily tosses D.A.R.E. through the air, and in a stupid bit, the footage is seriously under-cranked here.

Anarchy Guy then comes back for more, so Hulk tosses him into a big pile of wrapped presents. D.A.R.E. Guy then comes back at Hulk with a lawn gnome holding a huge pair of shears [!]. The weapon of choice back in the WCW, or so I heard. Hulk effortlessly fends D.A.R.E. off with a head butt, then violently tosses him right onto Santa’s throne, surely causing severe spinal injuries.

Santa with Muscles (1996) (part 4 of 11)

“Hah! You picked ‘paper’! I win!”

Anarchy Guy then picks up a huge plastic candy cane and starts spinning it like his own jujitsu staff. Hilariously, among all the dubbed-in background chatter is some dad yelling, “Watch out! He’s got a candy cane!!” Well, folks, it’s official. This is the first line of dialogue I’m sure I’ll never hear again in any other movie. I mean, just try and envision other scenarios where that line could conceivably be used. Can’t do it, can you?

Despite wielding this impressive candy cane, Hulk quickly kicks the ass of Anarchy, scoring one for orderly government and the rule of law. He tosses Anarchy through the door of Santa’s Cottage and the crowd cheers. “Yay!” they cry, “Senseless violence!”

Hulk turns to the adoring crowd of newly-converted Hulkamaniacs and says, “You see, kids? It pays to be nice!” Hmm. Somehow when I see a violent fight that could have been easily averted by calling mall security, I tend to walk away with the exact opposite lesson. I must be retarded.

Santa with Muscles (1996) (part 4 of 11)

Candy Cane Day at Dodger Field sometimes gets a little out of hand.

Nevertheless, the kids help Hulk clean up the cottage, and we cut to an impressed Lenny visualizing a place for Hulk in his grand, devious schemes. He goes to chat up Hulk and draw him into his wicked elf plans, but for no reason whatsoever, Hulk is struck by the table accepting donations for the Childrens [Sic] Mission.

“They need help, Lenny,” he says. “We should go.” A puzzled Lenny says they’ll go there “someday”, but Hulk yells, “We should go right now!” I think what Hulk is experiencing here is the extremely strong pull of plot mechanics.

You know, I can just picture the story conference between the screenwriters that led to this scene.

Jonathon Bond: Well, let’s see, we need to get Hulk over to the orphanage, because they’re in trouble!
Fred Mata: But, Jonathon, um, how do we get Hulk from the mall to the orphanage? I mean, what makes him go over there in the first place?
Dorrie Krum Raymond: Ooh! I know! Hulk senses they’re in trouble!
Jonathon Bond: That’s it! You’re a genius, Dorrie!
Fred Mata: Problem solved! Now let’s go cash our paychecks before the studio stops payment!

Okay, I’m being a little hard on the movie, since this plot point will be explained later. It won’t be explained very well, of course, which is why I say I’m only being a little hard on the movie.

Multi-Part Article: Santa with Muscles (1996)

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