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VIDEO: Sailor and the 7 Ballz (2000)

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BONUS! Mendo and Hagan’s commentary track:

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This video is no longer available due to the shutdown of Blip.tv.

Mr. Mendo teams up once again with special guest Diamanda Hagan! And clearly, the only way to top a review featuring random genital mutilation is with Sailor and the 7 Ballz, a completely unlicensed and unauthorized porn parody of Sailor Moon and Dragon Ball Z and lots of other anime, complete with horrible animation, cartoon jizz flying everywhere, the sailor girls growing cocks, and a plot too puerile for ten year old boys. Special thanks must go out to Jerry Nava, AKA the Film Renegado, AKA the (Unpaid) Editor who somehow found a way to cut this thing together without giving in to madness.

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  • MichaelANovelli

    At last!  The long nightmare is over!  🙂

    All hail Jerry!

    • Kids today!

       I hope poor Jerry got some hazard pay for this.

      • I got some more tacos, no complaints here.

        • Russell Brin (Facebook sux)

          Were they Taco Bell or Taco Time tacos?  Cause if they were Taco Time, you got ripped off…

          • MichaelANovelli

            I would prefer quesadillas, myself…

          • Russell Brin (Facebook sux)

            no way!  Beef, Bean and Rice burritos all the way!!!!

          • Excuse me, I prefer enchiladas.

          • Sofie Liv

             I am not even from Mexico or any-where near the place.
            But we seriously don’t have Taco Bell or Taco time around here, and what i’ve seen from it it looks disgusting.

            I am from Denmark, a compleately Scandinvian country, and we usually just buy the shells and make our own filling.

            How does it work in real Mexico Jerry? You don’t really go to Taco Bell do you?

          • MichaelANovelli

            Nah, in Mexico, Taco Bell sells “American food”…

          • Russell Brin (Facebook sux)

            In the US, I’m also sure the servings are twice as large (When I was in California, I was shocked at how big the fries boxes were at McDonalds; I couldn’t finish them and what’s large here is medium there; a large Fries is like…wow…a bucketfull…and unlimited drinks of coca-cola…with huge burgers…just wow; how anyone stays in shape with the fast food being the cheapest to consume is beyond me, that is a draconian feat for sure.

          • Sofie Liv

            I do need to visit the US one day.. but I am a bit afraid to.

          • MichaelANovelli

            Don’t worry, we won’t shoot you!  😉

          • Russell Brin (Facebook sux)

            I’ll be shot, I’m that evil force from the north 😉

          • Kids today!

             Where exactly north are you?

          • There’s no Taco Bell in Mexico, they tried putting a restaurant here once but it failed miserably since…you know, we already have a bijillion better taco stands and restaurants around.

          • Sofie Liv

             Well, that indeed did restore some of my faith in humanity.

            I kind of want to go to Mexico now.. just to taste what I believe is delicious tacos tasting the way tacos should.

          • Russell Brin (Facebook sux)

            I love empanadas best, the Chilean version that is.  Add in some spanish rice, a ceasar salad and finish it off with a tiramisu desert and you have yourself a meal!

            Of course, being Canadian I also like a nice BBQ steak with roasted potatoes, ceasar salad and rhubarb pie.

  • Russell Brin (Facebook sux)

    Now there is something I never expected to see reviewed…

    • MichaelANovelli

      Believe me, you have no idea just what it took to get this review made.  But, I’m saving that one for the commentary track!  😉

      • glampire

        There will be commentary? Promise?  hehehe 😀

        • MichaelANovelli

          Yup!  Just as soon as I’ve had some time to decompress…

  • Liam Barrett

    … Oh God.

  • Ow! My childhood! Nooo!

    • MichaelANovelli

      Yes!  Feel that burning!  Feel it!

  • Torgeaux

    Holy 1986…don’t ask.

    • MichaelANovelli

      Well, that’s before I was born, so I guess I could not ask.  🙂

  • ElfShotTheFood

    How many ballz ended up in her mouth?

    I’m sorry.

    • MichaelANovelli

      Trust me, you really don’t want the answer to that question…

  • Zorha

    Furries: Making things awkward since Albedo.

    And here I was hoping to see Shinji ‘enter’ his EVA. And yes, I know that’s all sort of wrong.

    • Well, Serena “enters” Shinji, so there’s that.

      • Moo

        I’m still shitty that they involved Evangelion without using any of the female cast. I mean, every woman in that series was gorgeous.  But I guess being surrounded by hot girls and ending the series still a virgin gave Shinji the right to finally get some…

  • Good thing that Sheep plushy helped or I’d never finished editing this monster xD

    • MichaelANovelli

      Man, Welshy’s been everywhere around the site, lately.  I should get him for a crossover…

      • Sofie Liv

         Why don’t you make sure to ask through either Rick or Jill, that is a way to get a good food inside.

        Sigh, if I hadn’t so many cross-overs planned myself I would race you, but I am to stocked.

        Would be a funny mail do. “Hey remember me? I totally verbally asaulted Doug about a year ago today at Anite con, you said it was awesome, then Jill Bearup said hey from me to you while you were filming nerd-quest (and told you I were Swedish.) Isn’t it about time we do a cross-over?”

        I think that’s very legit, don’t you?

  • Sofie Liv

    What the hell did you just make me watch… how the hell do you keep making me watch weird stuff like this?

    I WAS HAPPIER WITHOUT THE KNOWLEDGE OF ITS EXISTENCE! 

    • MichaelANovelli

      Now, Sofie, you know at least one of those statements isn’t true… 

      • Sofie Liv

         well I suppose twilight is a master-piece in comparison now.

        • And A Serbian Film looks like The Pound Puppies next to this.

          • MichaelANovelli

            I always thought A Serbian Film was pretty dull, to be honest…

          • I dunno, “NEWBORN PORN!” still sounds more awfully amusing than “TRANS ANIMU PORN”

  • Finding out something like this exists is like finding out that a homophobic, Republican Christian has just been caught giving analingus to a European rentboy. It should shock and disgust us but it’s happened so frequently that it doesn’t surprise us anymore. Although, this reminded me that I needed to buy a few more cans of brain bleach. Thanks for the reminder Mendo, you’re such a samaritan, who subjects viewers to stuff even a blind, deaf masochist would object to. 🙂

    • ElfShotTheFood

       Because that happens all the time, right?

      Stop trying so hard.

      • Not specifically that gay act and that person but yes, that happens a lot. Ted Haggard, George Rekers, Bob Allen, Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Glenn Murphy Jr and so on.

        Like Roy Zimmerman says: “How do you know when a virily homophobic, Republican Christian is actually gay? And the answer is ‘Well duh!'”

        • Sofie Liv

           Don’t mind Brewerman to much, he’s just british, it’s not his fault.

          • Just your average Internet nuisance at your service 😛

  • Tim Terrell

    Why waste the precious opportunity to get Mendo and Hagan together again by having them review this banal p.o.s.?

    “This movie has worse pacing than High School Musical” is like saying “A Yugo is better engineered than the go-kart my 8 year old nephew built by himself!”

    Jokes like this go nowhere. No matter how third rate ‘High School Musical’ or a Yugo are, they are still made by professionals with financial backing. Comparing professional to amateurs is not funny. It’s obvious.

    Riffing on fan fiction is like shooting fish in a barrel. It’s below you.

    • MichaelANovelli

      Well, reviewing bad movies IS what we do around here.  😉

      • Moo

        It’s still reasonable to challenge yourself with something that’s professionally bad. I don’t know if you’ve made the pro circuit of bad movie reviewing yet, but the best way to do that is to go after something that stretches your creative, movie-chewing muscles and hones your skills. As my GM used to say, you won’t make level 20 slaughtering 3rd-level fighters.

        I guess you eventually would statistically, but you’d either grow old and die first or become so disenfranchised by the game that you’d stop bothering to play it.

  • Gasmaskangel

    Ok, I need to collect my thoughts on this. 1.) This is not even close to the worst most, disturbing porn I’ve ever seen, or even the most disturbing anime porn I’ve ever seen.

    2.) Holy shit I actually draw better than the artist responsible for this piece of crap!

    3.) I’m sort of desperately hoping no one involved actually payed for this goddamn movie.

    • MichaelANovelli

      But, at the same time, you kind of have to be glad that it exists.  It’s so rare to see a film that just gets EVERYTHING wrong.  It’s sort of beautiful in its own way…

  • Anonymous

    I think I mentioned when the box made a cameo earlier in the series that I bought this piece of crap. I was like, “Oh, Sailor Moon grows a penis and makes it with all her friends? That sounds both silly and kind of hot, I’m in!”

    It was not silly, it was awful. It was not kind of hot, it was terrible. And the only thing I was in was a shitty mood afterwards.

    • MichaelANovelli

      So, hopefully you can see why I felt the need to review it, yes?

      • Anonymous

        And I thank you for it. Someone must warn the people!

  • rainflyx

    Oh, Mr. Mendo and your WinDVD woes. Have you tried VLC? She may not look like much, but she’s a capable little minx, and apparently has a much less obnoxious interface than your current choice of software.

    • MichaelANovelli

      Believe me, sir, in the year and a half (give or take) since this script was written, I’ve become a very firm convert to VLC!  😉

      • ANNONNY

        Most would tell you to get CCCP already since VLC is like a bare bones player, heh.

        Anyways, I’ve long since warmed up to Diamanda and learned to appreciate her stuff after avoiding it for a long time. Always great to see her in other stuff.

  • MichaelANovelli

    So, looking back, with the benefit of having seen the sequel, I will say this: this one is, at least, INTERESTINGLY bad.  The sequel was just so damn boring!